I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (28M) for 10 months and living together for the past six months. He is the love of my life and I have never felt more loved and appreciated by someone. I know that sounds like a quick timeline but we met three years ago as co-workers and quickly became good friends while working on a small team together and were essentially pregaming our now relationship for months before actually dating. I have been in two serious relationships and a few others that didn’t lead to anything. My boyfriend has never been in a relationship before this one and I’d describe him as more reserved and introverted where I’m pretty assertive, speak my mind, and communicate very openly. We have a good, very loving relationship with lots of open communication and hardly ever get in disagreements. Occasionally (mostly while experiencing PMS tbh) I get very emotional, and express just how much I love him. Not in any sort of crazy way, just some extra long hugs and admiring looks. I tell him that sometimes I’m scared to lose him because of how much I love him in addition to abandonment issues from ex’s and family trauma. And he tells me it scares him too. But he always says it scares him how much I love him because he’s worried he doesn’t love me as much as I love him.
He tells me constantly how much he loves and appreciated me and we’ve talked about how maybe my capacity to love is just greater than his. For example maybe my 10 on a 1-10 scale would fall more like what his 15/10 would be and his 10/10 would be more like my 6/10 or something like that. I’m not sure if that even makes sense that’s just how I try to imagine it.
Him saying this (he’s only said it about four times in our relationship, only during times like this) always causes me to spiral slightly and I get in my head about maybe him not being my person? But we get along so well, we communicate so well, there’s so much love in our relationship and I would never say that it feels like he doesn’t love me or like he “doesn’t love me enough” or anything like that. We’ve talked about it and he says he’s scared to lose me too, and that he gets all in his head and overthinks.
I’m just not sure what to make of it and could use some advice. I don’t have a lot of close friends and I have no family to go to for advice.
I have a lot of issues with my self confidence and a lot of people have made me feel like I’m not enough. I don’t think that’s how it is and i know he loves me I just don’t understand.
If you’re able to make sense of any of this I’d love some input.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (28M) for 10 months and living together for the past six months. He is the love of my life and I have never felt more loved and appreciated by someone. I know that sounds like a quick timeline but we met three years ago as co-workers and quickly became good friends while working on a small team together and were essentially pregaming our now relationship for months before actually dating. I have been in two serious relationships and a few others that didn’t lead to anything. My boyfriend has never been in a relationship before this one and I’d describe him as more reserved and introverted where I’m pretty assertive, speak my mind, and communicate very openly. We have a good, very loving relationship with lots of open communication and hardly ever get in disagreements. Occasionally (mostly while experiencing PMS tbh) I get very emotional, and express just how much I love him. Not in any sort of crazy way, just some extra long hugs and admiring looks. I tell him that sometimes I’m scared to lose him because of how much I love him in addition to abandonment issues from ex’s and family trauma. And he tells me it scares him too. But he always says it scares him how much I love him because he’s worried he doesn’t love me as much as I love him.
He tells me constantly how much he loves and appreciated me and we’ve talked about how maybe my capacity to love is just greater than his. For example maybe my 10 on a 1-10 scale would fall more like what his 15/10 would be and his 10/10 would be more like my 6/10 or something like that. I’m not sure if that even makes sense that’s just how I try to imagine it.
Him saying this (he’s only said it about four times in our relationship, only during times like this) always causes me to spiral slightly and I get in my head about maybe him not being my person? But we get along so well, we communicate so well, there’s so much love in our relationship and I would never say that it feels like he doesn’t love me or like he “doesn’t love me enough” or anything like that. We’ve talked about it and he says he’s scared to lose me too, and that he gets all in his head and overthinks.
I’m just not sure what to make of it and could use some advice. I don’t have a lot of close friends and I have no family to go to for advice.
I have a lot of issues with my self confidence and a lot of people have made me feel like I’m not enough. I don’t think that’s how it is and i know he loves me I just don’t understand.
If you’re able to make sense of any of this I’d love some input.
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Ma’am you need therapy. Your trauma and abandonment issues aren’t his to fix and expressing these unhealthy attachment styles very well could drive him away. He’s telling you he doesn’t love the way you’re expressing the over the top admissions, I would find a more healthy way to communicate.
A therapist can help you find ways to express your feelings and navigate your trauma without using your boyfriend as an all consuming crutch.
Wish you the best
Sheesh. I’m exhausted. You’re going to love him and smother him to the point he’s overwhelmed.
I think your partner is inexperienced in relationships and is stoked to have a girlfriend. I think he does love you, but not with the same intensity. Intensity is very good in relationships if it’s reciprocated, and bat shit insane if it isn’t.
He is unable to meet you where you’re at, so you either need to tone down the intensity or be with someone who can reciprocate. He is telling you, very kindly, that you’re too much and he feels pressured to give you something that he can’t.
Is it love or limerence? Are you attracted or attached? Is there interdependence or codependence?