I (25F) have a very difficult time having serious conversations with my boyfriend (29M). We’ve been together for almost 2 years, and this has been ongoing. He avoids every “uncomfortable” conversation, and honestly avoids any remotely serious or unfunny conversations as well, and instead makes a joke or a jab at me.
I’m a thoughtful person who enjoys deep conversations about all sorts of things. I always talk deeply with my mom, brother, and friends. With my boyfriend, I’m not even referring to going down rabbit holes every second of every day and getting into heated conversations – I’m talking about just deeper conversations about childhood experiences, college, friends, future plans, life goals, etc. He might respond with a sentence or two sometimes, but generally responds with “idk”, changes the subject, makes a sarcastic joke or comment, or says nothing at all. It makes me feel really lonely even if I am physically with him, as the conversations always feel one-sided.
We are both introverts, so it’s natural perhaps that he’s more quiet, but I almost feel like he’s dismissive to me sometimes. Our relationship is such that we are very close and comfortable with one another and we are always joking. He’s been that way since the beginning, always having sarcastic commentary and making playful jabs at me. I know he’s joking, and he always says he’s joking, but it gets to the point sometimes where it’s hurtful sometimes. He makes jokes that I can’t do anything, saying I’m not smart or capable of certain things, that I’m too sensitive, yap too much, etc etc. And yes, he is joking, but when you hear these things on repeat when you’re trying to have a serious conversation, it’s honestly more annoying than hurtful.
For example, today, I was having a conversation with him in the car about how involved and present my dad was when I was growing up – always taking me and my brother to practice, reading to us, sharing the load of parenting with my mom when they both worked. I asked him if he had this experience with his dad growing up, to which he said not really, his mom and grandparents did most of it while his dad was “busy making money”. I wanted to inquire deeper about this, and was sharing my opinion about how I’d want my future husband to be a present and involved dad, and how I don’t want to be a “married single mom” one day, working just as much if not more than my husband, but also taking over the majority of the housework and child care responsibilities. That is not what I want for my life, and I feel it’s an important conversation to have before we’d consider marriage, living together, kids, etc, because that could cause some serious issues if we don’t see eye to eye. He basically dismissed the conversation, saying something along the lines of “you must’ve been listening to your girl podcasts lately”, and made a joke about “you can’t handle it anyways” referring to cleaning the house, working, and caring for kids. (Meanwhile, I’m the only one who has ever cleaned HIS house, and I don’t even live there.) I know he was joking, but I was annoyed and irritated so I didn’t push it any further – but this type of thing seems to happen any time I want to talk about something serious. It always turns into a sarcastic comment or a joke/jab at me.
Another example is he is always saying we’re gonna get married one day and I’ll move in with him one day etc, but any time I’d try to talk about logistics (because I’m about to start grad school and we’re adults and these things are important lol), he gets weird and avoids the conversation and changes the subject. Even when I try to talk about things in his past (college life, sports, etc) he seems to always shut me down with one sentence and “idk”. It makes me feel like we aren’t close, even though we’re close in the sense that we are very comfortable and joke around.
I did have 1 successful serious conversation with him a few months ago, and that was when I was very upset about things in our relationship; we were on the verge of taking a break. I think he only had the conversation because he was afraid I was going to break up with him. Even then, he hardly contributed anything to the conversation other than that he will work on being better. It just seems like he gets irritated any time I try to talk about anything lol. It just has me feeling lonely. Any advice on how I can get him to be more open to talking to me? Or any idea why he might be avoiding these conversations?
TL;DR: my (25F) boyfriend (29M) of 2 years is constantly making sarcastic comments, jokes, and jabs at me when I try to have conversations beyond surface level, and it makes me feel lonely and irritated. How can I get him to be more open to talking?
Comments
He isn’t serious about you. Probably because he doesn’t like you that much.
Just because he likes having a sexual partner and someone to bully doesn’t mean he actually likes you as a person.
Aside from the fact that he is a lazy slob, leading you in with fake promises and is mean to you all the time, he’s not even on your level when it comes to emotional depth.
You’ll regret settling for him. I suggest you don’t.
You are settling, and this is not your person.
You can find someone who wants deep conversations like you do, and is more willing to go there with you.
This level of constant joking and avoiding depth is usually a deflection.
My husband and I are very silly people and we joke a lot, but we also aren’t mean to each other and we have very in depth conversations about every aspect of our lives. After 2 years you should be able to have more serious conversations without him being mean to you or turning it into surface level banter.
He seriously says you “yap too much”? I don’t think these are jokes at all. I think these are his serious thoughts & feelings that he’s masking as jokes so you don’t feel able to call him on them. What’s the punchline of saying you’re not smart, capable, that you’re too sensitive? What makes those statements funny? Pretty sure the joke is you.
Tbh he just sounds like an ass. And he’s already got you cleaning for him!
Not trying to sound harsh, but if you plan to marry and have kids you end up dealing with the worst of someone a lot of the time. Communication and openness is key to nor hating life and each other. He is showing you who he is. Unless he wants to work on this part of himself and open up. You’ve got to move on
The singular, only solution, is to tell him flat out that if he wont ever talk to you seriously, you’re not going to stick around for a lifetime of being the butt of his jokes.
Look, a lot of people like this use humour to redirect and mask due to childhood trauma. So it’s possible that it’s a default of his for a reason. I don’t recommend you ask this outright of course, but it’s worth considering. The flip side, of course, is that a lot of people are also just assholes, and that even if the cause of the behaviour is trauma related, he’s still being an asshole to you. So yeah, gotta be blunt and make it clear that this attitude is having an impact on you and will come with consequences if he doesnt work on it.
This guy is DEEPLY insecure. Sure, he’s good for a laugh, which is how he ensnared you in a relationship. But he’s unwilling or unable to “read the room,” and know when it’s time to turn off the funny faucet. Having a sense of the appropriate is a big deal of being a good partner.
You cannot count on him emotionally, which is the most damning thing of all in a relationship. It IS possible to find a partner who makes you laugh, AND you can count on to be your confidant without fear of being mocked.
I’m reminded of Robin Williams’ character in the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. He was hilarious, but his wife, played by Sally Field, could no longer deal with cleaning up after the mess of another one of his antics. And you’ll note they did NOT get back together at the end of the movie.
TL;DR: This guy is exhausting and refuses to change and grow. Leave this relationship, and find someone with more balance.