I know he’s doing it out of love, and I appreciate it for the most part so I don’t exactly know what to say to him, or how to bring up the topic?
We have been together 3 years. A few things have frustrated me recently, keep in mind all of this I do appreciate and I get it that he loves me but it just gets kind of hard because I feel like I’m an adult but don’t have adult freedom
last weekend we were staying in a hotel. 4 couples we have all been friends for years. Late at night (9pm) all the girls wanted to walk to McDonald’s for a late night snack.. the McDonalds was literally in sight of the hotel window.
Yet of course I wasn’t able to go unless one of the guys walked over, which was my fiancé. And I guess it’s fine, it’s just frustrating that all the other bfs/fiances were like ok have fun, and mine won’t let me walk across the parking lot
Then, a few months ago a man hit on me while I was walking to my fiancés car, despite the fact this man was about to take no for an answer my man jumps out telling him to back off like he’s going to beat the shit out of the poor guy. He’s also like 6’4 and quite scary, I felt SO bad
He’s also weirdly been “strict” with my phone usage. Using strict because I don’t know how to word this.
I have been depressed recently, the news and social media make it worse and i understand that. I have a bad tendency to scroll to distract myself then make it worse..
He literally will take my phone out of my hand and “put it up” mostly at night so I can’t scroll, he also tells me not to look at the news and if he sees me looking at an article or something politics related he gets pissed, but I want to stay informed and instead of avoiding I think I need to learn how to manage it better
I get it he loves me, he wants the best for me but I need some balance. He wants me to quit my job so badly and stay home, because I’d be safe and less stress/anxiety.. which I do have bad anxiety and my job makes it way worse so he’s just trying to take care of me but still, I need to push myself
Also, posting because I want to talk to him tonight a bit. We’re leaving for a week at the cottage with our best friends, and in the past I haven’t been able to do anything with just the girls at night unless we’re staying in or with the guys so I want to somehow tell him this week I’d like to do the same stuff they do if they decide to do something without the guys
*if you saw this before sorry for reposting. I only got one comment because I posted at 3am and talking to him in one hour before we pack up for the cottage
Comments
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>Without sounding ungrateful
Why should you be grateful that someone is treating you like property?
I appreciate your love and protection, but I also need to feel trusted and independent. Let’s find a balance where I feel safe and respected
The Mcdonalds thing is especially ridiculous. Nip this in the bud before it gets worse. You’re his fiancée, not a pet. I would be worried about this spiraling until he establishes complete control over your life. Don’t give him an inch, or he’ll take a mile. You don’t have to “listen” to him no matter what he says.
He’s not protective, he’s controlling and this in particular is a massive red flag:
>He literally will take my phone out of my hand and “put it up” mostly at night so I can’t scroll, he also tells me not to look at the news and if he sees me looking at an article or something politics related he gets pissed, but I want to stay informed and instead of avoiding I think I need to learn how to manage it better
Someone taking away your means of communication and education is someone who wants to isolate you in numerous ways. None of what you described is cute or sweet – talking as someone who works with victims of DV it’s paragraphs of red flags
Protection is the word you’ve used. Controlling and territorial is another way to view it
Uhhh no, this is not being done out of love, this is being done for control. Please god do not quit your job.
Your fiancé isn’t overprotective; he’s extremely controlling and doesn’t want you leaving his sight. He’s literally preventing you from having access to your phone. None of this is normal or healthy or done out of love. He doesn’t “want the best” for you. He wants you under his control at all times with no social outlets or money of your own. This is terrifying.
This isn’t protective, it’s controlling.
There’s simply no room in the world in 2025 to be so naive you can’t see the difference.
I totally understand the concern around the news and anxiety. When I get overwhelmed, my boyfriend and even my dad will suggest I take a break too. But there’s a big difference between encouraging a break and physically taking your phone away. That can feel disempowering, especially when you’re already struggling with your mental health. You deserve support that helps you feel safe and in control—not like your choices are being made for you. Setting boundaries here isn’t about rejecting his care, it’s about making sure it’s coming in a way that actually supports you.
That’s not protecting, that’s control.
For the the love of everything holy and the sake if your mental health, do NOT quit your job to stay at home. It’ll make your anxiety worse. NOT better.
Find another job if your job is horrible. You need the exposure. Also, the income.
Insofar as your bf is concerned, he’s acting more like he’s your dad than your SO. It’s not cute. You’re a grown ass woman. You know how to to keep yourself safe. Also, nobody wants to fuck their dad. Tell him to calm down and cut back on the pointless displays of machismo.
Perhaps he’s doing this out of a need for control, which is not the same as love.
OP – it sounds like he is your parent and not your partner. You are an adult but he treats you like a pre-teen. Time to grow up. Life is scary but you can learn to manage your life.
If he keeps “protecting” you then you will never have an opportunity to grow and mature. You will continue to lose confidence in yourself over time.
Your future looks bleak if you continue to allow this. Get some therapy to learn to take care of yourself. I don’t think your fiancé will like this but it is essential for your growth.
He’s not overprotective, he’s controlling. This is the behavior of abusers. He will only get worse if you get married and it will be much harder and unsafe to leave. You deserve freedom to go where you want, when you want and with who you want. You need to think long and hard if this is how you want to live and if you want to be in abusive relationship because that is what this is, abuse.
That’s not love. He’s not being ‘protective’. He’s being controlling. He can certainly offer his opinion but ultimately the decision is yours.
This isn’t love, it’s control. It will only get worse if you marry him.
Your bf is getting creepier and creepier be careful how far you let him get to have control.
Does he try to make you happy- provide a life and things that you’ve expressed you want and would bring you joy? If he’s trying to make you happy and you’re doing things to counteract that no one would like that. Similar might look like- You’re cleaning the house and he’s coming behind you being sloppy. Then complaining the house is messy. Would you telling him to pick up or making you guys eat at the table even though he wants to eat on the couch be controlling ? Or would that be trying to make him not make the house messy? Even if he doesn’t like it -if he does what he wants to do it would likely make it messy. Just because you want to do it doesn’t mean it’s good for you .
I think the first one to McDonald’s is protective.
The jumping out of the car kinda extra
The doom scrolling ask as yourself “is he right?” Without being defensive is he right about you putting it away bc of your anxiety. His message may be correct but the delivery might be a little harsh.
The quit work also – “is he right?” Maybe but you’ve have to learn to work and function.
I think he’s just tired of trying to make you happy and you sabotaging it.
Dump him.
A healthy relationship/marriage is two people who work together for what’s best for each other separately and together.
What he’s doing isn’t healthy for you or for the both of you together.
This isn’t going to change. If you marry him, this is what it will be like the rest of your life.
Hard no to the idea of quitting your job so you have to rely on him more
i don’t know if anyone else has made this comparison for you, but imagine this:
a younger member of your family (sister, daughter, whatever) comes up to you and says her boyfriend takes her phone from her without her permission when she is using it. she also says her boyfriend doesn’t allow her to go anywhere without a male chaperone. she isn’t allowed to do much by herself, and she’s also being pressured to quit her job. but it’s ok! she says he does all that out of concern for her, so there’s no way he has nefarious motives, right?
doesn’t that sound creepy? would you not want to intervene and get her away from her boyfriend?
He doesn’t love you. He loves an idealized concept that he is going to make you fit, whether or not you want to or if it’s good for you. That’s why he’s taking your phone away and why he accompanies you places and why he gets outraged at other guys hitting on you – because he believes you belong to him, and that you are his to do with as you want. He doesn’t want you to exercise independence because he does not care about your autonomy; he wants to silence your autonomy so that you remain dependent on him.
This is not love, it’s control. You should leave him.
I say this as a dude, if that matters. I understand how men like this work very well.
It doesn’t come from a place of love. It comes from a place of control. Don’t expect the talk to go well, he will manipulate you by telling you this comes because he loves you. It doesn’t. It comes from a place of control, and from mistrust.
Wow. That is a serious case of abuse. This is not love.
YOU ARE IN DANGER!
I know you’ll be offered lots of good advice. Please take it and run.
Don’t marry this dude OP, these are signs of an abuser not a protector.
jesus christ, this is bleak
This is not overprotective, this is controlling. You are a grown ass person and do not need permission or an escort to go anywhere, with a group or alone. You are perfectly capable of saying no to a potential suitor, capable of managing your emotions, reading the news and regulating your own phone usage. This will continue to spiral under the guise of “protecting “ you until you are cut off from friends, family and freedom. This is abusive behavior and you need to RUN!
His behavior is not okay. It’s not “out of love.” It’s out of insecurity, fear, and a need to control. You. He needs to control you.
You are an adult. You are in control of you.
If you marry him, it will get worse. He will make you quit your job, isolate you from your family and friends, physically and financially control you and your whole life. Don’t.
Read – Why Does He Do That PDF Free download by Lundy Bancroft – Free Books Mania
It’s not love and protection, it’s control and restriction.
I only needed to read the title and first paragraph. It’s controlling and will become abusive if you ever start saying no.
I guess you could try telling him that having independence will make you happy. Knowing he’s watching your every move can’t be helping your anxiety.
I don’t think you’re ready to hear these posts, which I understand. Don’t get pregnant and don’t stop working. Keep your friends and family close.
You might need to change therapist if you don’t feel you are making progress. Talk to your bf about you needing to do some things on your own to build confidence in yourself. A loving respectful partner will encourage you to spread your wings and support you in doing things on your own. The more he ‘protects’ you the less confident you become. Tell him you do feel controlled and not protected.
It might help you to talk to your doctor to get on anti anxiety medication. It’s good you have decided not to quit your job, the more you isolate the worse your anxiety will become and the less you will feel capable of handling life. You are capable of monitoring your screen time and what you are viewing, you do not need daddy to do that for you. Perhaps both of you can agree to a time in the evening both of you will put away your screens and spend time doing something together.
If your partner refuses to give you the tiny bit of control over your life that you are needing, then you’ll know for sure he isn’t being loving and protective, he is being totally controlling, take a step back and look at the past 3 years with him, did you trade a toxic father for a toxic partner.
I didn’t have to read more than the title to know this man is abusive and controlling. This is not overprotective. Break up.
He’s controlling. This is not love.
This man will eventually murder you. That’s not an exaggeration. You need to make an escape plan NOW. He is dangerous.
I’m so confused, are you 12, and you are talking about your father?
He doesn’t “love” you. He’s a controlling asshole. He doesn’t respect you, he seeks to dominate you.
This is one of those 🚩🚩🚩🚩 relatuonships.
You marry him and ypu will be trapped in a type Domestic Violenve relatuonship called Coercive Control.
Please seek help from a DV centre. ASAP