We got into an argument last night because i wanted to shower and rest after work. He didn’t want me to and we argued in front of our bedroom door when he shoved past me. In my past experiences with him, he’s lightly kicked me while i was laying down. ( Like he was angry and was trying to hold back). He’s belittled me at home and in public just for looking at him a little too long, making me cry in front of strangers.
He wasnt like that when we were dating. Only after i moved with him. I’m 13 weeks pregnant, away from my family and i don’t know anyone else here. He’s in the military and i don’t know what to do. I’ve only been here since February.
I’m just so tired. He did end up apologizing last night and went for a drive alone but i don’t think i can move on. I don’t know what to do. I have a 3 year old son who saw him do that and i feel like i failed as a mom because i grew up in an abusive household and i never wanted that for my kids.
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You have two examples of him being physically aggressive when angry. This is a pattern of behavior and may very well escalate. You know this and now have a decision to make for your own safety and that of your two children. So sorry you are going through this. Lean on your community!
Not sure why he wouldn’t want you to take a shower? Seems very controlling in and of itself.
None of this is a great sign, not sure I would say you’re being physically abused, but not a far leap from your examples
I would seriously consider if you want to continue a pregnancy with this person.
Go back home to your family and consider this carefully while you still have time.
It’s not the start of abuse because he’s already been verbally abusive. He’s escalating now, very common with abusers who get their partner pregnant or “trapped” in their minds.
Gotta love a story like this that’s leaves out so many details on why y’all fight so much. Sounds like you both are already headed down the divorce path and you just want a gotcha claim for the court hearing. Go to therapy.
Go ahead and read through this – see if you notice similarities. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Cal your family for help and move out now. He’s an abuser. If you are living on base, then let the CO know. As far as I know, abuse isn’t tolerated.
If he’s with the US military, there are resources on base for you. You can first contact the chaplain’s office and they can discreetly refer you to support.
If you don’t want to use those resources and are in the US, you can contact United Way 211 and they can put you in touch with a local women’s shelter. They can help you create a safety and exit plan and offer access to childcare, legal, job training and placement, and housing.
Even if you aren’t ready to leave yet, knowing what your options are and having a plan would be smart.
I am not an attorney and don’t play one on TV. But if you think you want to leave him and go back home, I’d consider making that move before the baby is born. Because in the states where I’ve lived, once baby is born, he could get a custody order that prevents you from taking the child outside of a small radius from where he lives and you’d be stuck there until he gets orders to go elsewhere.
Your partner has kicked you, shoved you, and belittled you. It doesn’t matter how he treated you in the past, this is how he is treating you now. Yes the abuse had already started and will escalate as the pregnancy continues, and he’ll likely treat your son the same. Call family or friends, and get help moving out, if not for yourself, but for your son. You’re not a bad mother, but you will be if you stay.
Well, I was gonna ask questions, but then read the “he wasn’t like this until we moved in together” and I gotta say, he might just be showing true colors. My first thought was he’s stressed but, my wife was really hormonal when she was pregnant and while I was stressed beyond belief, it was because I was gonna be a dad, and her hormones were making her crazy. Which she acknowledges to this. I say all this to reflect and say, I never once had to “hold back” cause I never even had a thought to hit, or hurt her. Never called her a name even except once, after a barrage of names being hurled at me. I can’t imagine a single reason I, or anyone one would have for now wanting their significant other to shower and rest, and feeling so adamant about I that it even turns into an argument. Might have yourself a controlling prick with unresolved power issues. Those types can be really dangerous.
You could still get an abortion, cut everything that ties you to this man and protect your son from his influence. Get therapy and talk through your family issues before getting into another relationship. This is the responsible thing to do, in my opinion.
Go home.
Take your child and go home.
Plan without telling him, leave while he’s at work, and after you get safely home, make a report to his command about his behavior.
Once you give birth, he can file for custody.
And then you will have the choice of leaving the state without your baby or staying near him.
But if you give birth in a different state, that state becomes the child’s state of residence, and when the child is born, you file for divorce, child support, and custody in your state.
Then he will not be able to force you to move back to where he is.
You have to leave. You know it’s only going to get worse, no matter how sorry he is. This isn’t an isolated incident, and he already feels comfortable verbally abusing you in front of people. Pregnancy can turn abusers into even bigger monsters, it’s incredibly common. And you have to think of your poor son too.
You’re only 13 weeks pregnant rn. I don’t know where you live but if you leave him you might want to at least consider abortion, otherwise you’ll be tied to him for decades. In your shoes I wouldn’t wait for this to get inevitably worse. Take your kid and go. Find alternative support. Take some time alone to decide what is best for you and your son to do. This man likely will not change — or even admit he is an abuser. It is up to you to act now.
Read up on traumabonding. Take your son and travel to your family – or somewhere SAFE. Send everything he writes and says to you in a secure document. Call the cops. Search for help (callcenter for domestic abuse).
If I were you, I would use these resources @usuallywrite2 said. The chaplain can help and it wouldn’t hurt if the chaplain talked to the military therapist to get you and your husband an appointment. Your husband may get mad, but him knowing his superiors know about his behavior will more than likely help him to see he is in the wrong. That happened to my sister in law. When she was first married, her husband pushed her and she fell. She was upset and called the base chaplain. He contacted her husbands superior over his unit and they pulled him in for a chat. At the end of the work day, he also stopped by their house to talk to them both to make sure she was ok and she never had a problem with him after that. He was only 25 and he was taught a valuable lesson that day. Now I’m not gonna say that will happen in your case. But that’s what I would do. He needs counseling on not being controlling or abusive. You can shower when you want and rest when you want. If he doesn’t change, you need to leave and go to your parents.
I do think it is the start of abuse. I’m sorry. Lay low until you can figure out what to do with him
Talk with your ombudsman. That’s your spouse and family support liaison for your husband’s command. If you don’t have the contact for them talk with one of the other wives. The ombudsman will get you the resources you need and any aid available from the military side of things.
Talk with your family about moving back home. You don’t have to have an abortion. He’s in the military. If you have the baby you can live near your family and he’s still going to get stationed wherever he is going to get stationed. And the military would make him pay child support and all of that.
That ship has sailed sadly. He isn’t starting to abuse you, he already is and has. And he will likely continue and escalate.
It is evil to begin with. But to abuse a pregnant woman is doubly so.
I’d seriously be making an exit plan if I were you.
Is it too late for an abortion?
First he’ll kick you, then he’ll kick your son.
Further down the down, he’ll kick all your children.
Sorry, but I would never have allowed myself to get pregnant by someone who treated me like this. I think you really need to consider your options, as others have commented.
Honestly, I would leave asap. Imagine when he gets angry at the kid or he can’t hold back anymore. He thinks he has you trapped. If you go to his superior- he’s in SERIOUS TROUBLE. What kind of man gets aggressive w a pregnant partner? That’s not love or kindness, not someone fit to raise a kid. A real man doesn’t need to strike his pregnant wife (or anyone) to make himself feel better/bigger when having a tantrum.. I’m stronger than a toddler but don’t go around abusing them just because. Run now, before he gets worse
Unfortunately, yes, it sounds like abuse. Even your mention of him not wanting you to shower and rest, even though you’re pregnant, is a red flag. What was his reasoning for not wanting you to shower and rest?
Just call the cops don’t tell us
It’s the middle of abuse
Go home NOW.
Consider if you want to remain married to him and if you want to carry this baby. I’m unsure if your older child is his son but adding a baby into this makes you very vulnerable and it’s so hard to pack up and escape when the baby is here, and the abuse will ramp up then.
Being 13 weeks pregnant is exhausting. He is mad at you for being tired. Can we just sit with that for a moment. He believes his needs and wants are the most important. Not you, not his baby growing inside of you,not the child watching, not you as a person, only your ability to provide your role and at that moment it apparently was to entertain him. Ok. Now let’s move onto what is a physical reaction to not getting his way. Yes he chose to push you. A woman pregnant with his child far away from home and family. You are venerable rn and he is taking advantage. He’s not a good guy, sis. Can you go home to parents? It’s where you belong. Not in his care.
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The abuse started when he began to belittle you. You son is learning how to treat women and you’re right to worry the cycle will continue unless you change it. If you don’t have friends or family who can help you, seek out resources in your area or through the military for abused women/parents/spouses.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Everything you described is abuse. Can you get back to your family? That is my strong suggestion – get away and go back to your family now so that you can be where you know people and have a support system for you and your kids.
And PSA to the ladies – stop procreating with these horrible man-children!!!!
Get. Out.
It’s not going to be long before he fully hits you. He’s already testing the waters. Shoving you. Humiliating you in front of strangers. Mine started just like this then moved onto punching walls and doors and throwing things. He loved to scream at me in public. I felt the violence building up over time so I told him, the first time you hit me I will leave. Eventually he hit me so I did as I said and I left. I wish I had done it sooner. Don’t wait for him to hit you, you don’t need a reason to leave an abusive man even if everyone else only sees his good side.
Your son has to be your priority. He saw someone physically abuse you. If you stay, he will learn that abuse is acceptable and he’s never going to feel safe in his own home. That damages a person for life. A man who thinks it’s okay to “get physical” with his PREGNANT WIFE is not going to change into the kind of supportive partner and need, and eventually he’s going to be abusive to your kids, too. Get yourself and your son to safety and sue for divorce and support. I’m sorry this happened, but at least you can get out now before the real emotional damage starts. Good luck, darlin.
Pack you and your son up and drive or fly to your parents. There is also a program in the military for getting away from abusive spouses. They will pay you money so when you leave you have something. Google it. But yes get out. Get out now.
The abuse has already started, and it will escalate. Please, please don’t accept that your children will grow up in an abusive household like you did. You’re so much stronger than you think. Updateme!
It’s already started. You are very vulnerable right now. One of the leading causes of death for pregnant women, it’s domestic violence.
He shoved you when you wanted to shower and HE didn’t want you to. Think about that? Á shower. What else does he control?
Move quietly. Get your important document in check preferably not in the house. Do you have your own bank account? Do you work?
He will escalate. He’s already escalated. He will apologise ánd love-bomb to stay. He will promise it won’t happen again but it will if you let him talk you into staying. Don’t tell him you want to leave ánd divorce him until you are in a safe place with safe people (beware that abusers also tend to groom the people around the victim so don’t be surprised at people who supposedly love you who might not believe you).
Look into domestic violence services – not at home or on your phone, use a library, if there isn’t one close enough to walk to ánd you drive, park somewhere plausible like a supermarket ánd leave you phone in your car. He may have trackers on your car and I have no doubt he wants your location services turned on.
It’s going to be hard to leave. It’s going to be much harder when you are further along. I won’t tell you what to do about the pregnancy itself, that is your decision, but should you choose to proceed, your growing belly will not stop the violence, just increases your helplessness ánd leaving is the most dangerous time for people fleeing DV.
I fully expect that you will leave and go back a few times after he sobs while apologising or threatens to end himself. Ánd every time it will be ok for a short while but you will piss him off by breathing wrong one time and the violence continues until you successfully leave him or he ends you (ánd your son. What happens to his non-bio kid if ends you?)
You will only fail your children if you continue to stay and excuse his abuse. But that’s what he is, abusive. My father was abusive and my mother stayed for 27 years. My siblings never forgave her for staying and knowingly keeping them in that environment. Why continue to stay and have a child with this person? Is this seriously who you want to be the father of your child? Someone who abuses you and guarantees that child will have a lifetime of trauma? Stand up, you’re not a doormat stop acting like it
Not the start of abuse but a work in progress. Please protect yourself and your kid by moving away from that situation or hold him accountable one way or the other. By informing the police, for instance.
He has belittled you at home and in public. He’s made you cry in front of strangers. He has kicked and shoved you, and clearly believes he has control over you.
This isn’t the start, OP. You’ve been experiencing abuse from your husband since you moved in with him (at least) and you need to get out of this marriage before he escalates.