My GF 23F “Lucy” and me M25 are together for about 4 years and things are going good. We barely fight and care a lot for each other. But there is one recurring controversy.
But at first I want to clafiry that I dont consider myself as a jealous guy. She has a few guy friends and them hanging out without me never bothered me. Even when she and one of them went to the movies together a few times I had absolutely no problem with it. I am very confident regarding the relationship and she would never cheat or something (me neither).
Now to the problem. There is this really slimy guy lets call him “Sam” M23. I personaly dont know him but I never heard anything good about him. And I think I have to make it clear him and Lucy had no relationship in any sort of way. They were no friends they never met up. They barely knew each other from school and partys. So they have each other on pretty much every social media plattform. But you know ho you have a lot of “friends” on there which you barely know.
In the time previous to our relationship he already made some gross comments on snapchat like how she would love to get fucked by him but she never entertained it at all. When we got together she still had a bunch of guys on snapchat which is no big deal for me so I never thought about it because she was only sending a few pics from her day to day life to everybody.
Sam and Lucy texted from time to time. Every 2-3 months nothing extraordinary. But one day he just decided to send her a dickpick. She told him if he sent something like this ever again she would block him. She told me about it and I was just like wtf please block him immediately but she never went through with it and I didnt think about it after that conversation so it faded away. A few weeks later he responded to a bikini pic of her that he would like to see whats underneath and when she told me about it she didnt seem to be upset with Sam it was just like hey I ate a pizza for dinner. At this point I got a little bit pissed because he knew that Lucy had a bf so I felt disrespected and I hate it when guys talk like this to women (not to mention the dickpick which is absolutely disgusting). I am not proud of that but I took her phone and blocked him on snapchat and whatsapp. She didnt mind me blocking him so I thougt this was over.
Fast forward a few months and we are reading through her old Facebook chats for fun. So as we laughing at her cringy first attempts at flirting as a teenager I think I spotted Sam’s name in the contact list. As I asked her about it she locked her phone and tried do deny it. But she gave in very quickly. Sam wished her happy birthday and so they sent some texts.
Lucy said she felt obligated to say thank you and to entertain the conversation for a little bit. Which doesnt make sense because she never responded to anyone she didnt like or know even for her birthday. So I told her how disrespected I felt and that I thougt I made myself clear the last time. She just told me he is not such a bad guy that he is just little bit weird and I shouldnt make a big deal out of it and she wont text him in the future.
Fast forward again to yesterday. She texted me during the day that she had something to confess to me. I think you wont be surprised to find out that she texted him again. He reached out on instagram because he was blocked everywhere else and she responded again.
At first it was this superficial catching up but then he asked if we are still together and when she said yes he cursed and told her she could send him nudes anyway. This is what sent her over the edge she blocked him and told me how sorry she was that she felt used and that he is disgusting.
I am not even angry I just feel so disapointed in her. I have the feeling she doesnt respect me or our relationship. I told her how this whole situation made me feel and she texted him anyway again and again. I wonder if she would have even told me if Sam hadnt messed it up.
To be fair she never texted him at first and of course she never cheated on me or had plans of doing so. Thats not the issue. I just have the feeling that she does what she wants no matter how it makes me feel. And I cant wrap my head arround it as I said they have no relationship and its not like he is good looking. I just dont get it.
I went home and told her I need time to think.
But now I think I have overreacted and she just didnt saw it as a big deal to text with Sam.
How would you handle the situation? Any advice?
Tldr: my gf keeps texting with this horny creep she doesnt really know. I told her it makes me feel bad but she didnt stop for a long time.
Comments
she doesnt find him disgusting, she likes the attention bro, he’s the forbidden/exciting option here. Tell her if she does it again, it’s over
Honestly? You didn’t overreact. You told her more than once that this guy made you uncomfortable, and she still kept texting him. That’s not jealousy, it’s about respect.
Flip it around: if you were messaging a girl who’d sent you explicit stuff, even after she asked you to stop, how would she feel?
It’s not about cheating…it’s about her ignoring your boundaries. You deserve better than that.
yea that is frustrating – I want to say she may have liked the attention, but never planned on acting or she has some trauma on setting boundaries with aggressive men like this. It seems opposite, but sometimes it feels more dangerous to block than it does to be nice.
I would explore both options – is she getting everything she needs in your relationship? or does she need to work on her ability to set good boundaries?
I am sure there is more to this and you will find out more if you talk to her, but you seem to know how to express yourself and your boundaries so I am sure you will be okay
on one hand, she never actually did anything to betray your trust or make any real attempts to be alone with him. But on the other hand, her continuous communication with this sketchy guy while knowing he’s a total creep is def weird. It’s like, does she not get why you feel icky about it?
I’d say have an open and honest conversation with her about how his texts make you feel. She might not realize the discomfort she’s causing or the message it could send to others (like Sam). And yeah, it’s fair to ask her why she entertains his messages if they have no real connection. Is she just feeling sorry for him ’cause he’s kinda lonely? Does she think it’s no big deal ’cause you’re not ‘technically’ cheating or something?
You could also try to reassure her that jealousy is a normal emotion and there’s nothing ‘insecure’ about being uncomfortable with her talking to a guy like Sam. You both have to decide how much screen time you’re comfortable giving him if they do keep in touch. Maybe set some boundaries or tell her to mute the dude.
But if she still doesn’t seem to get why you feel weird, you could explore whether she’s feeling suffocated or anything else that’d make her talk to this guy more than necessary. It’s like, her actions speak louder than words and they’re kinda screaming ‘I don’t care how you feel’
Anyway, just try to approach the convo with empathy and understanding. You both need to be on the same page about what’s cool and what’s not in your relationship. And if she’s still down for talking to him after that, you might want to think about whether this is a deal-breaker for you or if you’re comfortable enough knowing she’ll always have some ‘guy-friend’ she texts with no big deal. It’s like, don’t let it fester and ruin your relationship over something relatively harmless but still icky.