TLDR: My GF got mad at me that I dislocated my shoulder while she was ready to go sleep which then kept her up and then I went to bed while she was still up.
This may sound a bit strange, I have a shoulder dislocating problem (at least 25 times in my life) and my shoulder popped out about a week ago so which makes it easier for it to pop out again. Well, lying in bed on my stomach on my computer while my gf was trying to fall asleep I sneezed and bc of the way I was laying down my shoulder popped out. It’s not too painful when it happens but this one was very uncomfortable since I was lying down. I needed help sitting up so I can move my arm at the right angle so I was asking my gf for help but she responded by asking me if I could just do it myself. So I just took an extra minute to get myself up and just took care of it myself.
*I want to note that my gf does not handle medical emergencies well and always talks about how she hates blood and wouldn’t know what to do if someone with her got hurt.
Right afterwards my gf started yelling at me that it’s my own fault bc I sneezed to hard without controlling my sneeze and I shouldn’t be laying like that (which is fair bc I brought up a week ago that I need to not be laying horizontally while putting pressure on it). I was just thinking in my head that it was an accident and idk how the hell she can expect me to control my sneeze. I also was upset bc she never asked me if I was okay, and instead of her feeling bad for me she only showed anger. She asked me to grab her phone for her bc she was going to be up for another 30 mins now and I left the room for 10 mins bc I was a little shaken up. I get back in the room and it’s 1:40am roughly, I work remote and I have a 9am meeting the next day so I knew I had to go to bed soon but I know I caused my gf to stay up so I stayed up a bit with her. It was just both of us on our phones not really talking.
It’s about 2:20am now and I ask her if it’s okay that I go to bed and if she wants me to go to bed in the living room. She replies that she doesn’t care so I try to go to sleep while she is still up. I try to go to sleep for a bit and 5 mins later she storms out taking a blanket and pillow to the living room. I offered again to stay in the living room but she refused. I tell her again that I need to go to bed bc of my earlier meeting tomorrow. So I go to bed and then around 5:30am she slams the bedroom door to wake me up and turns on the lights. She didn’t end up getting any sleep which didn’t surprise me. She insisted that I stay up now bc it’s not fair to her so I went to get my laptop but she wanted me to just stay up and stare just like what happened to her. So I made this post in the meantime while I stayed up.
I also want to add that she doesn’t have a full time job (which doesn’t bother me at all) so every morning it’s me who gets up first at around 9am and then I work for a bit and will make breakfast for the both of us around 10 and wake her up when breakfast is ready so she always gets more sleep than me.
Bottom line:
We have been together for almost 5 years, currently live together (but it’s just me on the lease) and I think we are very compatible together, we enjoy doing the same fun activities together but I have doubts about our relationship when we have these kinds of fights. I honestly am contemplating if she is a good person for her to be upset at me for things like this.
Comments
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I’m not a relationship expert by any means, but this is petty as hell. If she knows you’ve got a re occurring problem with your shoulder popping out and can’t handle it, that’s one thing, but if she gets mad at you for your shoulder popping out cause YOU SNEEZED. Jesus man.
I know there’s a lot more emotion and connection there than what people on reddit know about, but she just sounds cold. Making you (the breadwinner) stay up all night doing nothing cause she’s uncomfortable with you being injured is toxic as hell, and I’d say “leave her” but again, I haven’t been in a relationship with her for 5 years. What’s she gonna be like in 25 years time? Guarantee she won’t get better about it. Sorry that happened to you mate, good luck with whatever you decide to do.
That’s absolutely ridiculous. I’m sorry but if I see someone in pain then I’m going to help them. I’d do that for a stranger. Hell even someone I didn’t like that much. The fact you’re her partner of 5 years and not only does she not help you but she gets angry with you and makes you stay awake for no reason at all is beyond me. And you cook her breakfast every morning when you have work and she doesn’t. Wtf is this!?
When you’re ill does she ever help you?
Maybe this helps or maybe I’m a dick. My wife semi-regularly has accidents: stacking student’s desks, managing to twist her ankles while walking outside after the sun has set, and last night she fell down the stairs, while stepping over a child gate with food in one hand and a laptop in the other.
It’s 100% an accident, but we’ve been paying for physical therapy for the better part of a year due to complications caused by being on crutches (chronic hip pain). IMO, it’s okay to be annoyed with your partner for doing something daft.
How shit played out after you addressed the shoulder is pretty immature and bonkers, though. Sounds like next time you just sort it out and head to the secondary sleeping location. Definitely need to talk through this encounter once heads have cooled.
This sounds so toxic on her part.
You dislocated your shoulder! That sounds miserable! She didn’t stay up because you dislocated your shoulder, she stayed up because she got on her phone (which stimulates the brain,) then ruminated on her displeasure, then chose to sleep in the living room, then picked a fight at 5am.
You did nothing wrong by dislocating your shoulder. She should have shown concern, not anger.
Have you dislocated your shoulder around her before? In the past 5 years has she got angry at you like this before?
What type of relationship is this?!? You’re up late when you have a work meeting, scrolling on your phones, and then she is slamming doors and having a tantrum?
This is toxic AF. Why don’t you have priorities like sleeping before going to work the next day?
I guess what she wanted to hear was: “I’m sorry for being in bed with my laptop causing my shoulder to dislocate, causing you a sleepless night, I’ll do better in the future”
Too much drama for my taste, too little empathy for your mistake and hurt. She woke herself up because of enraging herself over you getting ‘yourself’ hurt.
Do not accept this behavior. Draw a line or get disrespected. Greetings, a 35F
I would absolutely dump her.
You are being abused OP.
Reverse the genders,? Abuse.
Reverse the roles, you keeping her up, yelling at her for dislocating her shoulder and sneezing too hard? Abuse
Her waking you up serves only one purpose. She is angry and wants you to suffer. She hates you in that moment and wants you to feel it. Does you not sleeping solve anything? No. But she decides you don’t deserve to sleep. This is abuse. She wants to punish you.
You dis not wrong her. Even if you did, none of her actions would be warranted.
Why are you acting like her daddy by getting up and making her breakfast? Is she able to start adulting or do you always want to parent her?
She was grumpy cause she was inconvenienced not because of anxiety. Anxiety isn’t the problem here. Her gut response of resentment and disdain is. She may be passive-aggressively angry at you and possibly lacks the impulse control to not let her emotions control her every action. She needs to start communicating properly or there won’t be a relationship to save. You can say something upsets you without wearing that anger on the surface. Likely lacking self-control or justifying it. The problem is how often is that her excuse?
She sounds very immature. Or resentful of you and this minor medical issue. It maybe that the relationship has run its course if she can’t have some empathy for your issue that again is minor and didn’t really affect her except that she let it. I’d ask her to give you some grace and try to not be angry over something so minor and if she can’t it might be time for a break.
Sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture and actually is outlined as something you can’t do per the Geneva convention and UNCAT. Did you know that?
You didn’t wake her up or try to keep her up. But she was/is trying to punish you by keeping you awake. That’s abusive behavior. It sucks that she couldn’t sleep but she can take a nap—she has no job.
Her yelling and being angry when you get hurt is nuts. Yeah, I get annoyed when my partner does stupid shit and hurts himself and then wants sympathy for it. Like…decides to move a big ass piece of furniture at work instead of waiting for help and then is out of commission for the weekend because he’s tweaked his back. So sure…don’t lie like that when you know it is likely to screw up your shoulder.
So I get it if she’s annoyed but she’s angry and mean! That’s not anxiety. She’s just a jerk.
And she’s a freaking hobosexual princess with no job and expecting breakfast in bed.
Let’s say you’re cool being treated like shit. Is this how you’d want a pet or a child or an elderly relative to be treated by her? No empathy and punishment when they get hurt or sick?
She sounds nice mate. Marry that one.
My husband had a similar issue when we were dating prior to getting shoulder surgery—his shoulder would dislocate multiple times per day. Never ONCE was I mad at him for it??? It’s a medical condition! Now we’re married and I’m pregnant and having a very rough go, and he is nothing but supportive and encouraging. There will be more medical issues, injuries, illness, etc. in your future as you grow and age—be with someone who CARES about you, not someone who chastises you. Frankly, this is an issue with your own self-respect. You deserve more.
I have hEDS which can also result in frequent dislocations. Due to my chronic pain it’s important that I have a partner who isn’t scared of bodies or pain and who listens and helps when I need it. I would be unable to be in this relationship because it appears to be lacking empathy. You should at least tell her point blank that being angry is detrimental and that she needs to respond differently or you will be reevaluating.
The way she handled the aftermath of the actual incident was way out of line with the staying up, and throwing a fit.
I can see why she would be annoyed though. It sounds like you were already more likely to dislocate your shoulder and were laying in a way to increase those odds. So yeah, that’s annoying when your partner chooses to make decisions that can hurt themselves. But her reaction was so callous and mean-spirited. I’ll give my husband a little shit when something like that happens (“poor husband who is hung over after going out with his friends and drinking all night! Boo hoo.” But then I get him Tylenol and water bc I love him.) I hope you find someone who treats you with kindness.
Your gf sounds awful. She seems very selfish.
Hi, uh, she hates/resents you. She doesn’t seem to be a good person in general. Hope this helps.
Look, joint dislocation creeps me out because of my own history of injury. I am also kind of an anxious person. I also really don’t do well with medical emergencies in general.
If I’d been in your girlfriend’s position, I would’ve had to take a few deep breaths to gather myself, and then I would’ve helped you get up and then probably looked away and covered my ears while you got it back into place, asked if you needed an ice pack or heating pad and then asked if there was some kind of way for you to provide physical comfort for a few minutes that wouldn’t risk re-injury, like rubbing my back with your other arm or something.
Part of being an emotionally mature adult means recognizing that sometimes you will come across situations that knock you off balance emotionally that also require you to put aside your emotions for a bit, deal with the situation at hand and then find a way to regulate yourself afterwards. That requires having some basic empathy, coping skills and knowledge of your own needs, which it seems your girlfriend struggles with. It would be reasonable for her to ask you to not directly talk about when your shoulder dislocates if she’s not around for the incident but it is not reasonable to blame you for your own injury, refuse to help you and then punish you and choose to ruin your sleep.
You are correct to be having serious doubts about your relationship after fights like this. These kinds of things say a lot more about her character than the fact that you enjoy fun things together when she’s not being selfish and mean to you for things you can’t control.
My husband and I would never treat each other like this. She was mean to you, hateful and resentful. This is not how people in love behave.
Please leave her? That’s so immature of her to act that way. I would usually say have a conversation about it, but there’s no point in this case. She doesn’t sound like she’s willing to be understanding of other people’s perspectives. Maybe this was a one off instance, but you gotta draw a line somewhere and acting like this isn’t cool.
The first time code you give is at 1:40AM, and you indicate you’d been arguing about 40 minutes before that. So the initial incident was… 12:30AM, maybe? 12:00AM?
So, OP, what on EARTH were you doing:
> lying in bed on my stomach on my computer while my gf was trying to fall asleep
??
This is, by any measure, incredibly inconsiderate to your partner. She’s literally trying to sleep and you’re plinking away on a laptop in bed.
I’m not saying your GF was right to get to say mean things.
But, she was probably at the end of her rope dealing with being woken from sleep or attempts to sleep because her BF won’t stop using his laptop in bed!
I’m frankly amazed that you wrote this whole account and didn’t once acknowledge that you should have been working at a desk so that your GF could sleep. And that would have also addressed your risk of injury.
> I sneezed to hard without controlling my sneeze and I shouldn’t be laying like that
That is, laying in bed with a laptop while your GF tries to sleep at like, midnight.
> I was just thinking in my head that it was an accident and idk how the hell she can expect me to control my sneeze
Control it by taking it to another room where it won’t keep your partner awake.
She’s crazy, please leave. The waking you up at 5 ? Wtf ?
No empathy. She should have been upset about your pain. Self centered. Dump her
So, I have a rage flare up that happens when I’m woken up abruptly that’s related to some childhood issues, so I feel like I can weigh in a bit here.
You know who’s problem that trauma reaction is? Mine; it’s my problem. So if I get woken up by my dog throwing up or my husband snoring or something, I try to take care of the issue while keeping the lights as dim as possible and the noise as light as possible so I have a chance at getting back to sleep if it isn’t an emergency. I do my mental relaxation exercises and try to get back where I was. If I can’t manage it, I go sleep on the couch. My husband makes an effort to not make a ton of noise/light if he gets up at night, which is nice too.
What I don’t do is take out my being woken up out on my spouse. Who does it benefit if I don’t even TRY to go back to sleep and just spend all that time in a snit instead? (I also don’t IMMEDIATELY reach for a screen to make sure I’m fully waking myself up, geez.)
People who care about each other shouldn’t try to punish each other, imo. Your gf has revealed a weakness of character as far as I’m concerned, and I would need an apology and evidence of doing better to continue the relationship, but that’s just me.
You most likely will need surgery on that shoulder to keep it from dislocating continuously. Will she help you recover from surgery?
I wouldn’t want to spend my life with someone as selfish as she seems to be.
I have the same issue. In fact, my shoulder dislocated when reaching for the shower head yesterday! It sucks when it happens during a sneeze. It’s dislocated while in bed before, and if my partner is there, they do whatever they can to help me. They will help prop me up so I can position my arm correctly, and will ask me if I need anything. Yes, they sometimes chide me about doing my pt exercises and over using my arm, but it’s never a lecture.
Her punishing you for waking her up with your medical issue is a huge red flag. Your partner should be concerned about you when you get hurt. Her reaction was selfish, and to rudely wake you up at 5:30 when you have a meeting at nine is petty and mean.
Idk, if my partner yelled at me and punished me because of a medical issue, I’d consider breaking up. I want my partner to take care of me when I’m unwell, as I take care of them when they are unwell. If they treated me like this, I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship.
In my opinion somebody living with your girlfriend is just a roommate and you’ve been with her for 5 years and you’re not engaged yet so here’s you’re out kick her out and move on just you don’t want to be bitching in the morning about this for the next 30 Years to you
Dude you either need surgery to fix the labrum tear or PT to strengthen the joint. This is wild. Why are you not taking care of yourself?
Also your gf sounds like a selfish tool and that doesn’t just magically get better (not unlike a shoulder that continues to dislocate).
Fix both of these issues and watch your life improve in ways you can’t imagine.
Sorry dude, but here’s the T, this won’t get better. 40F here. Someone who doesn’t show concern about you when you’re hurt is not worth your trouble. You’re 25, you seem smart enough to realise there’s no such thing as “the one” but people fall within a bell curve (Tim Minchin reference).
Last BF was like her, and when I was really unwell wanted me out his house so he could sleep. I drove home in the dark with a terrible fever. Current partner works mad shifts, but when I had covid and was really unwell stayed up and checked on me despite his 4:40am alarm.
Sadly, she might have good qualities, you might get along in lots of other areas. But when you’re looking for someone to stay with as you get older, you want someone who cares when you hurt yourself. That should be a minimum non negotiable. She acted terribly, very spoilt even when you gave her solutions she declined them and denied you sleep. So not only did she show no empathy, she punished you by waking you up early. Dramatic is being polite.
Mate, if it is first time that she snapped, you should check if there was something else unsettling her. Once in 5 years is not bad for more dramatic sex. Just tell to her, that you won’t tolerate any more sabotages to you work meetings. She did not help you and you did not make drama about it. Now she should have discussed the problem if there was any instead of ruining your sleep. Now that you know facts, think of the way to communicate it to her by understanding and mature way. If she makes it all your mistake, dodge the bullet bro. Tell her to go to talk about it with her dad and think it though. If she refuse, tell her to provide half the rent from now on or pack. Goodluck bro.
Wtf 😭 does your girlfriend like/care about you?
She’s an AH. Like you really want your shoulder to dislocate. She got mad at you for something you have no control over. Control your sneeze? How? She’s never gonna be good in an emergency. She’s also a lazy mooch. Why isn’t she working? Do you really want this to be your life? If you have a medical emergency do you want to be with someone who will yell at you because you did?
It’s one thing to not be comfortable or know what to do when a medical emergency happens, as you get caught up with adrenaline and fight or flight mode, etc. however, this..was not really a medical emergency? This is routine for you, and although I’m sure it’s painful to keep having it pop out and pop it back in, it’s not like you were spitting blood or wailing in agony. You literally just asked her to help you sit up for a second so you could take care of it herself, when she was barely even asleep, and she rocketed off to planet Petty-upitor, by way of Overreactory.
She dint have to schlep you to an ER. She didn’t have to mop up blood. She didn’t have to hold your arm and jam your bones back together. She literally just had to roll you like a log so you could sit up. Instead of doing that, asking if your ok, or getting you an ice pack, hell… even just rolling over and going to sleep, she decided to crash out over nothing, and keep you up all night for no reason.
I’m not an expert on relationships, but I can tell you right now, you guys aren’t compatible. Enjoying activities together is what you say about friends and acquaintances, not a serious romantic relationship. I can’t say for sure if she’s a good person or not, but based on this antidote, she certainly isn’t smelling of sunshine and roses.
Hard to say. Anger is the bodyguard of fear and sadness. Your shoulder dislocating so easily, especially if she’s bad with medical stuff, may scare her a lot and this is the reaction. Or she may be frustrated you’re keeping her up so late. Or she may just be selfish and uncaring.
Sleep is very important to me. Nobody messes with my sleep. Ever. I didn’t even have kids for this reason (among others).
AND, if I was in your girlfriend’s shoes, I would not have reacted this way. The fact that you had a medical situation & she refused to help you is really troubling. Are you sure she actually cares for you, & isn’t just around because you subsidize her life?
Have you ever gotten a clear answer from doctors about this?
I’m absolutely NOt a doctor, but arm broke because sneeze?
Doesn’t sound normal. You sound like a friend with a connective tissue problem. Basically he has very stretchy ligaments and they don’t hold him together well.
There is a whole very specialized stretching and muscle strengthening routine he has. It is time consuming at first but it really helps him.
Look just like depress or other chronic conditions: it isn’t something that can be cured but it needs to be managed.
You sneezed and were in pain and you and your partner lost sleep.
This is affecting both of you. Now she didn’t particularly bring this up in a helpful or kind way.
And it sounds like she needs to see her own type of doctor who can help her deal with her emotional panic in medical situations.
Both of you need help.
Getting mad at you for your body doing something you can’t control is absurd and childish (even if she thinks it’s “gross” or whatever) but the level of rage you’re describing her is really unproportional to the offense – is she often this angry over small things? That sounds really unpleasant
I would note that (traditionally) the ultimate goal of a relationship is to be with someone who will be with you through the worst, and there is going to be a lot worse in your life for a partner to deal with than your shoulder dislocating. I’d maybe consider if she’s someone who can expect that from.
Sidenote: Have you ever been assessed for
Ehlers danlos syndrome
Also, you deserve a partner that is able to be caring, supportive, and empathetic when you are struggling with health issues.
ETA: Spelled EdS wrong
My partner hurts himself and I check he’s ok, do almost anything he asks to help him, give him my medical opinion and any meds. Only then do I tell him off if it’s because he’s been stupid. I’m an emergency nurse so I have to tell him off 🤣.
My point is I don’t get angry at him. I may be annoyed that my plans have had to change. But that’s my annoyance and I do not take it out on him.
We both now work Monday – Friday. But back when I did shift work, I would make us breakfast on days we are up together, I would cook days I’m off. Sensible, but on my days off I would still wake up with him to say goodbye and if I was awake awake I’d make us a yummy breakfast.
You can do better. Either make her get treatment for her anxiety or show her the door. What if you get seriously unwell in 15 years time and need her to help care for you? Can you be sure she would??
She seems VERY immature. She needs to grow up and learn some damn empathy. She has some real Spoiled Brat energy for sure.
One thing is not being good with medical emergencies, another is to blame you for sneezing and messing with her bedtime routine when you were in pain.
If it is a one-off, and, more importantly, if she can admit that she was behaving like a lunatic and apologise sincerely, maybe stay and see if you can work things out, to me it seems pretty egregious qnd borderline abusive behaviour, though.
I’m not sure if I would if I were in your shoes.
This is not the girl for you
So she just raged all night and kept herself up and blamed it on you because she can’t handle any inconvenience to her extremely lax schedule (waking up at 10am hello????) without ever giving a second thought to her “partner” (note the quotes because she’s not treating you like an equal) and how you were impacted by this happening?
I’ve been with my bf for 5 years and he is not good with medical emergencies, but any time I’ve ever been hurt he has never made me out to be the bad guy, even if I did it to myself. He’s just been there to help with what I need. I know for certain that if something truly bad were to happen to me he’d be there, can you say the same about your gf?
Is she someone you could believe saying the vows “in sickness and in health” if you were to marry her? Because if not you’ve already invested 5 years worth of time into this, best not invest anymore if this is a recurrent issue because you don’t know what the future has in store for you and your body and it would be awful to have a medical emergency and an absent/angry partner to make recovery that much worse.
I’m not a big fan of your GF. I don’t know why you are.
Your girlfriend sounds absolutely exhausting. No, she is not a good person if she treats your medical emergencies like that. And purposefully waking you up at 5:30AM when you have a morning meeting and expecting you to just stare into the ceiling is beyond the pale.
She is not a safe or healthy partner for you.
As far as your shoulder goes, have you been screened by a doctor for EDS or joint hypermobility?
Doesn’t handle medical stuff well? She literally didn’t handle it at all.
Someone with no sympathy much less empathy is a gigantic red flag to me. I’d be gone.
I understand joint issues (look up Ehlers Danlos) but you need out. She is NOT a supportive partner. She yelled at you for getting injured then told you to sleep on the couch for daring to have a medical issue when she barely works and you support both of you. This is not a balanced relationship.
Do you want kids, OP? Because this isn’t someone you should have kids with. Kids need someone who won’t freak out and blame them for getting sick or injured, and what’s less obvious but just as true is that kids need parents who respect each other and treat each other with compassion.
This is an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships are commonly really good except for the really bad parts, and you’re meant to believe it’s your fault that she’s screaming at you, and really she’s somehow the one who’s being wronged by you daring to have a medical condition. All of that is a huge mindfuck that you’ll need to sort out from a safe distance, but focusing on your own needs when you’re in a relationship like that isn’t very convincing, so focusing on a hypothetical child might be more useful. Or asking yourself what you’d advise a friend in your same situation. But I want to be clear that even if you don’t plan on having kids, this isn’t fucking normal and you don’t fucking deserve this treatment. Millions of people, including myself, have anxiety disorders and would never dream of doing any of this. She just doesn’t respect you. She screams at you because it makes her feel better. She hurts you to gratify herself somehow. That’s not anxiety, that’s a character defect so deep that she couldn’t change it anytime soon even if she wanted to (and she doesn’t). She might pretend to change and love-bomb you, but she’ll go back to mistreating you. Look at forums about emotional abuse — you’ll see the same patterns regardless of gender. You see the good in her, and you’ve had good times, but that’s true of almost all abusive relationships. Otherwise no one would stay in them.
This isn’t your person. And this isn’t even about you. It should be! She should care for you. But she doesn’t really see you. She can’t. One day you’ll be able to believe that it’s not your fault, but until then, you’ll just have to take everyone’s word for it. I’m sorry.
Sleep deprivation is a form of abuse. Your girlfriend is abusing you. I regularly dislocate joints (aEDS). If I dislocate something my husband immediately askes if I need help reducing it? He has no medical training, just loves me and has learned to help me. He has always been the bread winner. I would never deprive him of the sleep he requires to support us…..Time to serve an eviction notice.