I (25M) have been with my girlfriend (23F) for about 11 months. Lately, I feel like I can’t communicate any of my needs without it turning into a huge emotional ordeal.
When we first started dating, I’d tell her when I needed space. She didn’t always take it well, but at least I tried. Now, I don’t even have the energy or courage to bring it up. Even if we’ve been on the phone for two hours and there’s nothing left to say, I’m scared to tell her I want to hang up. If I do, she becomes upset, anxious, or emotional — and I end up staying on for hours longer to calm her down. If I don’t, things escalate until I end up apologizing.
It feels like our relationship revolves entirely around her moods. She often vents her frustrations from unrelated things onto me. When she’s angry, she says she needs space — but if I give it, she accuses me of not caring. If I don’t give her space, she says I’m smothering her. Now, when she tells me to leave, I often stay because in the past, actually leaving caused explosive reactions.
When I get angry, she’ll pick one specific word I used — often something minor — and shift the entire fight to that one word. I then have to apologize profusely to fix her mood. If I don’t, she cries, says she’s struggling to cope, claims her anxiety is spiking, and accuses me of being selfish, rude, and lacking empathy. Sometimes she’ll even say she can’t rely on me.
She also needs me to be constantly available. If I have to spend a weekend away — for friends, work, or a family emergency — it becomes a major issue. Even if I’ve already spent hours on calls with her that day, she’ll still be upset, and I’ll have to apologize for not being there physically.
Recently, I reached my breaking point and told her I wasn’t happy. She begged me to stay, promised she’d change, and then had a full-blown anxiety attack. I’m now sitting next to her in the hospital, feeling guilty for considering leaving — but also wondering if I’m losing myself entirely in this relationship.
I feel like this might be emotional abuse to some extent, but I’m not sure how to identify if it truly is. How can I tell if what I’m experiencing is emotional abuse? or I am being unreasonable because my gf constantly tells me that, that’s how girls are and I can’t handle a girls needs and emotions. Also should I break up? Or couples therapy might be able to help ?
TL;DR: My girlfriend (23F) is extremely emotionally dependent. When she’s angry, she asks for space but criticizes me no matter what I do. When I’m angry, she fixates on a single word I said until I apologize or she becomes emotional and anxious. She needs me around at all times, and even short absences can turn into major fights. I’m scared to voice my needs because it always leads to guilt, emotional outbursts, or a crisis. I feel trapped, drained, and guilty about leaving. I also feel this might be emotional abuse but don’t know how to identify it.
Comments
You are not obliged to stay with her. She sounds suffocating and exhausting, and it is emotional abuse. She probably doesn’t realise she’s doing it tbf, but that is not a reason to have to endure it.
This behaviour is not acceptable and you’ll end up resenting her. If you have done nothing to make her anxious like being unfaithful or cheating or things of the sorts it’s not really on you and even if you did that you guys should approach it differently but it can’t keep going like that.
I was like your girlfriend minus the calls but used to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks but that was because my ex was indeed lying, and being emotional neglectful and always going to other girls for emotional support, well, specifically this one girl. He also left me during my panic attack
And went to this girl turned his phone off and didn’t come home to sleep. So different people different reactions.