I (26F) have been best friends with another woman (26F) for years. Lately, her behavior has changed and really started to blur the line between platonic and something more. But when I try to talk about it, she deflects or changes the subject.
To name a only a few:
1. Picked me up and spun me around after I said I find that attractive.
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Fed me from her plate in front of our friends.
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Told me, “You in my life is enough” when I apologized for not buying a birthday gift.
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Said, “We’re kinda the closest thing to partners” and started calling me petnames like “gorgeous,” “babe,” “baby,” “pretty girl,” etc.
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After I lied to my boss and said I had a boyfriend to attend her event (they only allow time off for romantic partners or married couples), she said, “Well, I kinda am your boyfriend.”
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Reacted to a girl complimenting her by saying: “Too bad she doesn’t swing that way. If it were a guy, it’d be better.”
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Once joked “I’d remember that” when I used an idiom that literally translates to “you got me out of my clothes.” in my language.
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And when we talked about a teacher who thought we were dating, she said: “We weren’t but I wouldn’t have a problem if I was (a lesbian).”
She says she’s straight and I’d always seen her as just my best friend but now I’m questioning everything. I don’t want to risk our friendship but this dynamic is confusing as hell and I feel like I’m being strung along.
Could this be closeted behavior or just intense platonic affection? And how do I navigate this without her shutting down?
TL;DR: My best friend, who says she’s straight, is affectionate in ways that feel romantic. When I try to talk about it, she avoids the conversation. I don’t want to lose the friendship but I also don’t want to keep feeling this confused.
Comments
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Just ask her. Say the stuff you’ve said here, and ask her. Be sure you’ve created a safe space for her to be honest: no judgement, you really value her, etc. Be prepared for her to be defensive, and she may need to sit with this idea for a while. (I’m bi and it took me YEARS to realize; bi-erasure is a real thing.) Also, you never mentioned your own sexuality. Would you be open to possibly adding a romantic dimension to your relationship with her? If so, tell her that, too.
OP, I’ve witnessed this dynamic before, a friend who seems all in and then bam, won’t discuss it. I get why you’re confused.
I had a friend who I found out later in life was in love with me. She and I were close from 17-20 but then drifted because I went away for college. Our drift lead to a falling out that she treated like a breakup. A few years ago at 29, a mutual friend told me that former friend was in love with me our whole friendship. I was shocked at first, but looking back on certain things, it all made sense.
Sexuality is a complicated and personal thing. Your friend could just platonically love you very much, everyone expresses it differently. Your friend could be confused in her feelings, maybe she’s always identified as straight and isn’t sure how to navigate the feelings she has for you.
There are many possible reasons, but I think the best thing you could do is have a gentle conversation with her about it.