Hello all!
I need some advice as soon as possible to help me figure everything out. Yesterday, my bf (“Josh”) came home and immediately began to complain about me “not doing anything around the house,” despite the cleaning and cooking that I’ve done. I’ve been out of a job since January, but I’ve been looking for another one with no success. He complains that he has to carry the finances right now, but when I was carrying his child, I was taking care of everything—bills, cleaning, cooking and everything else. I didn’t complain about him not pulling his weight at the time (he wasn’t earning much), and so I asked him not to always complain when he comes home because I’m trying my best. From there, we got into an argument and he called me “deadweight” to my face. There’s no words to describe the heartbreak that I felt in that moment because I was already feeling like a burden. So, I just need advice. I plan to leave to stay with my mother soon, but I love this man. It just how he said it and the way he said it, that hurts more than I can explain. Can anyone give me advice on what I should do?
Sorry, this post may be all over the place. I’m just an emotional wreck right now.
EDIT/ MINI UPDATE: I don’t know how to do this properly since I don’t use Reddit a lot but here is an edit/update. To answer some questions, no I don’t believe he’s cheating. The reasons are too much to explain but I don’t believe he is.
Also, he is an asshole. He’s admitted it to me himself. He says he’s trying to change himself. He grew up with a dad who treated his mom similarly to how he treats me. Not excusing his behavior but giving more context.
Third, we have had a history of insulting each other but I’ve never said anything like that to him. I would either call him an “a*” or a “dck”.
Now to the update, I left with my mom. We are on our way back to her house as I write this and I’m trying not to cry too much in front of her. She has been very supportive nonetheless, and that’s been helpful.
Comments
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If the two of you have a child together, leave and hit him up for child support. At any rate, you have to go; there’s no coming back from that level of disrespect.
I don’t know how you come back from that level of cruelness, and from someone seeing you only for what you contribute financially.
You’re a partnership. You helped when he was down, and now you are, and he’s complaining.
Unless something radically changes, which is so unlikely, your child will grow up thinking this is how relationships work. Men treat women like crap, and women stay for it. That’s dangerous whether you have a son or a daughter.
Never take abuse from a man and that includes verbal abuse. What do you love about him? This type of disrespect only gets worse.
Girl leave him. He’s emotionally abusing you. You’ve done all that extra work while pregnant and now he sees how you were feeling while growing his child. He can see how hard it is when he’s living on his own and you’re not there to care for the home. You did it with no complaints and he’s a grown man.
I guess he can figure out how to cook and clean for himself and care for his child 50% of the time. Don’t put up with that.
Is it possible he’s cheating? Cheaters will often randomly start attacking their main partner to justify the cheating.
Bless ya hunny, shouldn’t have to deal with that men can say the most cruelest things sometimes and not think twice about it. I would sit him down and explain that his behaviour is not acceptable and the situation itself is disgraceful. You need to tell him you deserve better and if he doesn’t start treating you how he should be then you need tell him where the door is hunny. No man will learn unless you put your foot down because at least you’ve respected yourself and made sure he can’t lower you anymore and doesn’t have that authority. My partner was out of a job for 6 months until he finally got something it’s not that god damn easy to get employment these days and I still supported him either way do not let anyone put you down doesn’t matter who it is.
Trust your instincts and leave. It’s emotionally abusive what he said and if you stay the jibes will increase. It’s possible as someone has pointed out the change could be he’s cheating and fault finding alleviates the guilt. But most domestic abuse tends to start when a women is pregnant or had a child. So this could well be the start of that change in the relationship. You have to ask what example of a relationship do you want your child to have? If you try to leave and you get either love bombed or your partner threatens you or themselves it answers yes your relationship is now toxic and only you can control the next step and make your choice to leave or stay and it getting worse and the cycle continuing. Good luck.
Is it possible that he’s an asshole?
dump him ASAP.
He’s cheating and picking fights with you and criticizing you to justify his behavior and assuage his guilt.
Relationship is over.
Go be with your mom and hit him up for child support.
He was very cruel to you and if he didn’t apologize immediately, that’s a problem. Do you guys normally name call or throw insults when you argue?
You know what it is like to carrying the household, plus be pregnant or mothering a young human. It is hard. If this was a one-off comment, he is likely just super stressed and worried about money. I have seen this happen to other couples – one person just snaps when they are the only one working. The responsibilities are too much for them to bear.
No matter the reason, you don’t deserve to be insulted when you are trying the best you can. I think it is a good ide ato go stay with your mom for a bit and get some perspective. It may help himk appreciate you more, as well.
you did the right thing by leaving. tbh i hope you never go back but if you do, you have to make it absolutely clear that you won’t tolerate being spoken to like that. he can speak respectfully or he can be alone. don’t worry about your mom judging you, she is probably just happy to know you’re away from him
There is no excuse for calling the mother of his child “deadweight”. I hope your child didn’t witness it.
Is he in any kind of therapy or counseling? Are you?
Good for you for leaving. One thing I read a long time ago and has stuck with me: don’t consider the potential but who they are right this moment, could you see yourself with this version for the rest of your life ?
Remind him all the time, what happened when was you who paid almost everything . And as soon as you get a job, you know what to do, just in case, he is not a good man. Let’s see what he will do, when have to work and be the only one responsible of “his” child.
For a relationship to last long-term and to model good behaviours to your child, you need to both be treating each other with respect- even during arguments! Neither of you does by the sound of things as you’ve admitted to calling him names too. Your relationship is currently toxic for that child.
I think you were right to leave. Please seek some counseling for yourself and tell your bf he should do the same. Both read some relationship books to get a better idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. Use this separation time to look inwards and work on being the best parents you can be for your child. I recommend the book ‘Nonviolent Communication’ by Marshall B Rosenberg as a good starting point for both of you.
My husband and I had our child during the 2009 global recession, and both ended up out of work prior to the arrival of our son. Despite financial hardship, I can say we never treated each other with disrespect. We worked together to build each other up, supporting each other while we survived on benefits until my husband was able to get work through his business again. We used the time we had together to enjoy free activities with our child (bushwalks, local parks, play areas, picnics at the beach etc). I added to our finances with nanny, babysitting, and eventually home educator work (looking after other children in our home) until the economy picked up and was able to get some part-time sales work. Throughout our 25 years together, there have been times when my husband has supported us the most financially and vice versa (I started a new career in my 40s and it’s carried us through the current global recession)- it doesn’t matter because what I have is his and what he has is mine, and we respect and love each other. We’re stronger together through the hard times.
Be strong for your child, and with work on both sides, your relationship may be able to reestablish in time. Right now you and your mum can be great role models for the child. Encourage and support your bf from a distance to get the help he needs to become a better person for the sake of your child. Good luck.
I’m sorry you’ve learned that he doesn’t value you and treats you badly when you would never treat him that way. You deserve better and I’m glad you left!! Stay strong 💪
Unless he’s willing to do couples counseling and really put in the work to make changes, you need to move on. If you don’t, your son will wind up treating his partners the same way yours treats you. Or your daughter will believe that’s an acceptable way for a man to treat a woman.