hi yall, 26f and 31m. We’ve been engaged since Christmas and our whole relationship has been a total fairytale, he’s my rock. here’s the tea. He got this huge promotion last month that involves travel and a new assistant, which is great! but his new assistant, Rachel (24f), is a little much. I met her once at a company happy hour last month and she was super sweet! but she also told me I was “so lucky” and that she hoped to find a guy just like him someday. whatever tf that means? she texts him at all hours sending him memes and really pushing the whole mentorship thing. He says she’s just young and he’s trying to be a good mentor, which makes sense cause he’s a genuinely One of the kindest people I’ve met.
last week he had this business trip to chicago and rachel went with him because thats literally her job right? but when i was helping him unpack i found this receipt from a really fancy restaurant, way fancier than what his company usually approves for expenses. i didn’t get to look at the bill before he said “ah i need that” and i just handed it over to him. when i asked about it he got kind of weird and said they had to take a client there, but then changed the subject super fast. I didn’t press him. Then I was looking through our shared cloud for a picture and saw that he screenshotted Rachel’s Insta story from that same night, at that same restaurant. It was a pic of just the two of them, looking all cozy in a booth with a caption that said “best boss ever!” He said the client took the picture right before they had to leave and that the dinner was a celebration for landing the account.
I wasn’t too concerned until this morning, when phone was buzzing on the nightstand while he was in the shower. I saw a preview that said “last night was exactly what I needed 🤍”. white heart’s not a romantic heart, but i still was shocked. I showed him the phone after he got out and he just laughed accusing me of snooping jokingly and showed me his texts, and it was just them talking about a presentation and her career. But that one message felt so out of place. Am I clueless??
(ps. he just told me as im writing this he’s going to have to start flying to LA once a month for the new development in LA and “help Rachel get settled in the new office” he got her promoted to. he said it’s a great excuse for us to have little weekend getaways. i don’t know what to think or how to feel but im glad to have her out of my hair i guess)
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Backup of the post’s body: hi yall, 26f and 31m. We’ve been engaged since Christmas and our whole relationship has been a total fairytale, he’s my rock. here’s the tea. He got this huge promotion last month that involves travel and a new assistant, which is great! but his new assistant, Rachel (24f), is a little much. I met her once at a company happy hour last month and she was super sweet! but she also told me I was “so lucky” and that she hoped to find a guy just like him someday. whatever tf that means? she texts him at all hours sending him memes and really pushing the whole mentorship thing. He says she’s just young and he’s trying to be a good mentor, which makes sense cause he’s a genuinely One of the kindest people I’ve met.
so last week he had this business trip to chicago and rachel went with him because thats literally her job right? but when i was helping him unpack i found this receipt from a really fancy restaurant, way fancier than what his company usually approves for expenses. i didn’t get to look at the bill before he said “ah i need that” and i just handed it over to him. when i asked about it he got kind of weird and said they had to take a client there, but then changed the subject super fast. He said they had to take a big client out, but his company is usually super strict about the budget and I didn’t press him. Then I was looking through our shared cloud for a picture and saw that he screenshotted Rachel’s Insta story from that same night, at that same restaurant. It was a pic of just the two of them, looking all cozy in a booth with a caption that said “best boss ever!” He said the client took the picture right before they had to leave and that the dinner was a celebration for landing the account.
This morning, his phone was buzzing on the nightstand while he was in the shower. I saw a preview that said “last night was exactly what I needed 🤍”. white heart’s not a romantic heart, but i still was shocked. I showed him the phone after he got out and he just laughed accusing me of snooping jokingly and showed me his texts, and it was just them talking about a presentation. But that one message felt so out of place. Am I clueless??
(ps. he just told me as im writing this he’s going to have to start flying to LA once a month for the new development in LA and “help Rachel get settled in the new office” he got her promoted to. he said it’s a great excuse for us to have little weekend getaways. i don’t know what to think or how to feel )
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He’s not giving you full truths, and is dismissing your questions.
Laughing your questions off is NOT what listening looks like.
“he said it’s a great excuse for us to have little weekend getaways” – so does that mean you are going to LA with him? How did she get promoted so fast? That’s a little suspect. Honestly I would have put my foot down with the messaging at all hours. That’s not professional and I suspect their relationship is more personal than he is letting on. I really hope you are going on those trips. The skeptic in me thinks he got her promoted so she wouldn’t be reporting to him anymore and they could carry on inappropriately. I would be keeping a close eye on this.
There a a ton of red flags here….. You need to talk to him and express how you are feeling. The texting all night is absolutely not appropriate. What if you guys were married? Had kids? How would he feel if your male colleague at your work did the same?? This is the set up for an emotional affair and possibly a full blown affair.
Tell your fiance that part of being a “mentor” is teaching young mentees about professional boundaries. This seems like a lesson he may need himself.
Updateme!
He needs to set boundaries. Even if nothing happens. People talk and this can cause him a lot of problems.
But let’s be honest. He is cheating. Send that picture and screenshots of that message to HR.
He is not kind. He is a liar.
Rachel is very unprofessional and therefore undeserving of your husband’s mentoring. I’m actually a little disappointed that he’s not catching up on the fact.
Now, usually, men forgive any unprofessional behavior from women who they like, so I would be extra careful.
No heart emojis should be sent to any co-worker and proper hours for calls/texts should be respected.
There’s also no reason why this assistant can’t be an older woman or of the opposite sex.
Keep an eye on him and his interactions with her.
She is 100% gunning to take your man. Putting up boundaries is on him, and he’s failing.
I traveled with my boss to a big event for our grant project. He booked us adjoining suites. I switched to a regular room on a different elevator bank because I didn’t like what the “adjoining suites” looked like to others. I didn’t have dinner with him even thought I spent 3 days getting national attention for our project. He was married. I was in a relationship. I had and still have boundaries.
Your fiance is the boss. He’s 7 years older than this “assistant,” who clearly has a crush on him and he’s not just not handling it well, he’s feeding the crush. Getting cozy in a booth? Insta photos of that? Constantly sending memes and texts outside of work? Unprofessional, both of them.
Don’t marry a guy who has very poor boundaries with female co-workers. Even if there is no affair, he’ll always be basking in the crushes. My ex-husband had women I used to call the “wannabes.” He wasn’t cheating but he loved the attention and I came to understand how much that showed his disregard for me, his wife. My attention? Nothing special?
I would break the engagement. I would tell him, “You have poor boundaries with Rachel and I think there’s something going on there. But even if there isn’t anything going on yet, with her, I’m not spending a lifetime with a man who can’t tell his assistant to stop sending memes and who takes her out for expensive dinners, getting cozy in a booth. I can do better than that.”
And you can.
My first thought was that he got her a promotion so he could date her without losing his job. But, Im a seriously suspicious person so….
this is sus to me too. it feels like it’s gotten to be too close of a relationship too quickly and is crossing lines of a professional work relationship with how they’re messaging and how she posted the photo and him screenshotting it. you’re not crazy for feeling suspect
Oh wow from what you’re describing she is most definitely flirting hard with him. If he were a gross old troll he wouldn’t be getting late night messages, hearts, and her willing to go to overnight trips, are you kidding me? Women don’t behave like that unless they want the guy. The question is- did he indulge her or not?
Updateme
His behavior was also unprofessional to do in front of a client. Celebratory or bot, there should not have been a pic of the two of them all cozy. As a mentor, he should have let her know how to act in public with a client. The receipt was a red flag, the photo was a huge red flag. There are red flags everywhere. He might have called it a promotion but he might have moved her to about her position so he could date her which is still unprofessional and hurtful to you. When she said that she’d be lucky to have a guy like that, she was saying that she was going to take him from you. You’re young too big you wouldn’t act that way. Who sends memes and hearts to their mentor or a colleague especially on their personal time. Your fiancé likes a young woman fangirling all over him. I would definitely question the engagement because he seems to think he’s ready to mingle.
Seriously ! Are you dumb ?
Leave his cheating ass
Okay, so I was completely thinking he was a cheater up until I saw the last paragraph about the text you got while writing this.
“He said it’s a great excuse for us to have little weekend getaways”
If he was cheating, physically or emotionally, he would absolutely not want you to come on these monthly LA trips. He would want that time alone with Rachel, obviously. He’s chosen to include you instead of having dedicated time alone with Rachel once every month. He could’ve had fun little weekend getaways with Rachel, but instead chose to have them with you.
With that said, I think he’s allowing Rachel to push the boundaries a little bit, and I think you should tell him how you feel about that. Don’t be accusatory, because I’m pretty confident that nothing has happened, but be pretty firm that you think he’s letting her take it too far, or at the very least letting her think that it may at some point get “too far.”
UpdateMe
I’d be sitting him down and stating that he needs to set boundaries with Rachel. Like not messaging after work unless it’s work related only, no heart emojis. I’d also be telling him he needs to be honest because you feel like he isn’t being entirely truthful and that is grounds to hold off the marriage. How he reacts will be telling to how you proceed.
He’s lying.
He’s cheating. With his assistant.
Break up.
After work hours, he needs to leave her message on read.
He’s already crossed one boundary and she knows it; she’ll encourage him to cross more, and before he even realizes it. He needs to nip this in the bud BEFORE he becomes too entangled.
Why would a client meeting be in a booth and not at a table…
When she texts him at all hours, does he ignore her or checks every time? Your time should be just that.
He needs to listen or he risks ruining your relationship
Yeah he’s not being truthful – he’s cheating on you with his assistant….its 100% emotional cheating now with flirting and will soon be more…
He’s not the great guy you think he is…
Dude. This screams cheating. You know that or you wouldn’t be posting here.
Read Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass. They shouldn’t be texting anything non-work during non-work hours and he should have been making sure they adhere to boundaries. What he is doing is not what you do with someone you are mentoring. You keep things professional and above board. He could be setting himself up for problems in his workplace, and honestly that’s even assuming he has been completely honest with you. The fact he blew your concerns off and didn’t take a moment to even consider or really discuss is a bad sign.
Part of mentoring is helping them understand what is and isn’t okay in the workplace. Do his texts with her look like his with other coworkers? I’m betting not. If everything was really professional and okay and no lines had been crossed he would have taken time to really talk through your concerns and considered them.
I would push for more of a break between them and no regular trips out to her office unless he can show you this is what anyone in his position would be doing, but it’s weird she would be promoted and then need monthly visits from him. Was her promotion undeserving? I would ask to see the professional correspondence from his higher up that mandates monthly visits to help get her “settled”.
Some of what you describe in comments- him lighting up when she is around- sound like attraction and if he has any attraction to her at all it’s even more of a reason for him to set firm boundaries and distance himself.
I’d make sure you know what you need to before moving forward with a wedding. His behavior doesn’t sound professional or appropriate for someone you are mentoring.
Him not shutting down her inappropriate texts should have been the red flag you needed to get out of this relationship. Tell him to leave. He’s a cheater.
Oh sweetie there’s so many 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🫣