Something happened a few nights ago with my friend and I just wanted your opinions on it and maybe some advice.
I’ve been friends with her for a little over two years now. She was in a relationship when I first met her, but for the past year she’s been single and she’s definitely ready to mingle lol.
A few nights ago, we went out to this cool trendy restaurant that has an outdoor lounge area with fire pits and all that. We were sitting outside, and she saw a group of guys across from us and thought a couple of them were cute. She decided to write her number down on a napkin and she went over to them and said “do you guys want to meet us at our hot tub?” And then walked away. We ended up leaving right after that.
About 30 minutes later when we are back at my apartment, she gets a text from one of them saying “is the hot tub offer still on?” I told her “hey look… I’m not comfortable with inviting a group of guys over to my hot tub (it was at my place, not hers). You know I have a boyfriend and to me, two girls in a hot tub with a group of guys late at night isn’t appropriate in my opinion. Also we don’t even know these guys, I don’t want them coming to my residence”
She tried reasoning with me for a long time and then said “okay fine. But they are at a bar now really close to you. Let’s just meet up with them for a drink. It’s just two of them there now. Come on, it’ll be fun”
At this point it’s almost midnight and I try telling her again that I just don’t feel comfortable meeting up with these two guys late at night like this while I’m in a relationship. It just looks wrong, especially after her going up to them and saying “hey wanna join us in the hot tub?”
She literally begged me for 30 minutes, said I’m “thinking about it too much” and that I’m not doing anything wrong so why am I over reacting about this. I told her that I wouldn’t be comfortable if my boyfriend went out at midnight with his single guy friend to meet up with two girls. I get that it’s not “cheating” but it’s just a fair boundary in my opinion to have. If we were already at the bar and she wanted to go up and talk to them, I wouldn’t have an issue. But I just think going to meet them there after her jacuzzi invite wasn’t sitting well with me. (Also they texted her and asked if we wanted to come over to their apartment and hang out. So this just all screamed inappropriate)
Anyway, she begged me for over 30 minutes saying “please girl, I can’t go alone, that’s so weird. I just need a friend there with me, please” and I finally said “fine I’ll go.”
We went to the bar for little bit and after it was done I told her “hey look. I’m glad you had a good time, I’m not trying to be a downer and I want you to get yourself out there and meet people. You deserve to have fun after everything that happened with your last relationship. But I also just want to respect my relationship too. I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but I just didn’t want the situation to look wrong if you know what I mean. Next time if I tell you no, can you respect that?”
She says again how I’m over reacting, most girls wouldn’t think twice and would go to support their friend, all this stuff. She said I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I guess I’m just looking for reassurance or advice because she made it seem like any good friendship, the girl would 100% go to support their friend in this situation and I wasn’t being supportive to her. Just want to see what everyone else thinks.
LDTR; my friend went up to a group of guys while we were out at dinner and gave them her phone number and asked if they wanted to come over to my hot tub. After telling her I wasn’t comfortable with that because I’m in a relationship, she said we should go to the bar they are at and talk and have drinks with them. I again told her I wasn’t comfortable with that, but she begged me for so long and I ended up going. I told her that night next time, I’d appreciate if she could respect my boundaries if I say no. She said I’m over reacting and making too much of a deal out of nothing.
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“r “hey look. I’m glad you had a good time, I’m not trying to be a downer and I want you to get yourself out there and meet people. You deserve to have fun after everything that happened with your last relationship. But I also just want to respect my relationship too. I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but I just didn’t want the situation to look wrong if you know what I mean. Next time if I tell you no, can you respect that?”
Such a wonderfully healthy response OP. You did just fine because I would’ve just said “okay” after you weren’t comfortable.
People that make me feel uncomfortable about my morals or push me into doing things I’m not comfortable with don’t remain in my circle. Trust your morals. Your friend needs a wingman, I respect that, but it doesn’t have to be you.
Your girl is whiny and immature and is going to go from bad relationship after bad relationship if she just goes up to random guys, drops her number, and says come to YOUR hot tub. She’s inconsiderate and selfish. Now, you going as a wingman to keep her safe isn’t a bad idea, but your boundaries have solid reasoning. I don’t see any reason you can’t go out with her, occasionally, to keep an eye on her if she’s meeting up with someone, but you’ve gotta let your BF know ahead of time. In the end though, she’s selfish and immature and you’re going to get story after story about the bad guys she hooks up with and her “woe is me” attitude, because she makes terrible choices.
You are not wrong, but you do need to learn to stand your ground. “No” is a complete sentence, and isn’t the start of a negotiation. You did a nice job explaining your reasons behind it, but even a simple, “No, I don’t want to” is enough.
Your friend could have given her IG info, Snap info, whatever, and if they were interested, they would have followed up that way. These are not the only guys on the earth.
She also needs to not give your info – address, hot tub invites, etc., to anyone. That’s sketchy. That kind of invite screams “come over for sex”. Maybe that’s all she’s looking for, and more power to her, but your house isn’t her party place.
She wants you to “100% support her” in these things, but she isn’t offering you the same support. You said no, and that’s all she needed to hear.
“She says again how I’m over reacting, most girls wouldn’t think twice and would go to support their friend, all this stuff. She said I’m making a big deal out of nothing.”
Maybe this is why she’s single
There are certain things a wingman can do so she can safely meet guys. But after that it’s on her, you can’t hang out with other guys late at night out of respect for your relationship. Either she gets that or she doesn’t, if she doesn’t too bad for her🤷🏼♀️
You’re not wrong. It can look bad.
Has your friend always been like this with regard to trying do what she wants, even if you really don’t want to do it?
You were 100% in the right, and can I just commend you for how GOOD of a partner you are to your BF, the fact that you understand respectful boundaries of behavior in a relationship. Like… you’re pretty awesome, and he’s a lucky man.
With the buttering up out of the way… while I get your friend wanting to go out, meet guys, and have someone there to ensure safety, you are not the person to be doing that for her. She needs single friends for that, or a larger group of girls. Having a taken girlfriend be her wingman is just a recipe for disaster, and her refusal to respect your boundaries speaks to far bigger issues in her mindset. She was not being a friend to you, and that is a red flag.
I would honestly take a step back from the friendship – especially not agreeing to activities that have the chance to turn into what happened. So daytime activities, dinners, group events, stuff at home, etc. all fine. But going out to a bar with her just the 2 of you… you know she won’t respect healthy boundaries for your relationship, so you refuse to ever be put in that position. If she continues to disrespect your relationship and your boundaries, then you walk completely.
Who invites random men to their friend’s hot tub without consulting the friend that has the hot tub first? Just screams entitled and audacious. Probably not a good long term friend to have. Doesn’t have your best interests in mind, only what helps her out.
You were right. Single friend inviting you and begging you to meet up late to meet 2 random guys and try to get them to your hot tub (which by the way, why would she fight so hard to let these guys know where you live when they are strangers) is definitely over the line. What you should have done is say no, give your reason, and then ignore when she persisted. Clearly, she doesn’t respect you, your boundaries, and your relationship to your bf. That isn’t the influence you want around.
I think you are fully within your rights to tell her exactly what you told her. And good for you for respecting your relationship. I think the two of you are just really in different places right now, and it sounds like she needs some single friends who want to do the same things and go to the same places that she does.
Not much of a friend
You sound like a keeper and you should ditch her. She will ruin your relationship.
Your reaction and your request is exactly what I would want and expect of my partner. It doesn’t have to be cheating to be inappropriate and you are putting yourself in an unnecessarily risky situation for no gain.
That’s not a friend. Ditch them permanently
You had the perfect response. Don’t worry about her response. What you said is appropriate and just leave after. She can continue the night and do what she wants. She’s single, you aren’t. She needs to understand the difference between a wing woman and a double date.
I think that your response to your girlfriend was clear and caring on your part… In all honesty you gave her a lot of latitude for some pretty poor behaviour on her part.
I just want to reiterate that having a group of guys come to someone’s apartment or hot tub after drinking could be a recipe for really bad things to happen including SA.
I’m really glad that you stood firm and didn’t allow that to happen, but I think your friend is gonna need to increase her Protective measures while she gets out there and dates again.
Im assuming that you have not told your current boyfriend about this single “friend” encouraging you to participate in a double date with two randos, at YOUR apartment, late at night, after drinking, in your hot tub. What could possibly go sideways in this setup? Hmmm….
I’m assuming that you are hoping you current bf does not find out about this episode. It would look and sound really sus from his point of view.
Updateme how your current bf (now ex??) reacts.