We’ve been together for about 7 years and need to start thinking about the future. I am vaccinated and don’t have any issues with them. She has gotten more political (or maybe just more vocal) over the years and I now know she is very much against vaccines and constantly incites arguments about them and new “proof” of why they’re made of the devil’s shit.
I don’t really care about the difference of opinion, and I’m all for civil discourse, but I know both of us want children and at the rate we’re going I only foresee stagnant arguments because neither of us is willing to budge on our stances.
I’m of the opinion that a kid doesn’t need parents who argue about every medical decision and we’d be better off not having one. She then started looking into ways to have a kid that didn’t involve me, whether that be adoption or IVF, not cheating just alternative methods of birth. I had to clarify that if we ever get married, I’m not just going to ignore a child in our care, from mine loins or not, I believe a child deserves two loving parents if they’re both there.
We’ve been through a lot of life events and arguments but worked through it all, 7 years doesn’t come without some tribulation. However, now I’m wondering if staying together is really the best option, only because I don’t think we can give each other what we want. That being a family. There’s no hate or anger here, just logical reasoning. Thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
Edit: Thank you for the responses so far. To add some context she isn’t entirely against vaccines, but is against ones like COVID. She says she’d agree to “important” or “doctor approved” vaccines, but hasn’t really clarified on what that means.
Also, we are fairly civil with one another, but while I don’t really want to admit it, we don’t entirely see eye to eye on a few other things like preparing for retirement early, political ideologies, or religion, but the last two are mostly negligible. A lot of things work here and we’ve been there for one another for some tough times, but it’s only now that I’m thinking having a family will not work, that is why I’m putting in some serious thought into ending things.
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You know what they say, “don’t stick your dick in crazy”.
She is literally going as far as to look at ways she can have a baby without you as the bio dad. That’s insane.
Leave. Don’t have children with someone who will knowingly endanger them.
You need to stop fucking this woman.
Any kids I have would be vaccinated. And if anyone I dated didn’t want to vaccinate…I wouldn’t be dating them.
Actually, I wouldn’t be dating them even if I didn’t want kids because the lack of intelligence to get caught up in the anti-vax movement is just not something I would ever choose to deal with.
Big red flags waving in the wind. Your instincts are telling you that rational discussion and planning is being replaced with… something else.
All I can say is that my dad was in your situation approximately 25 years ago and i wish he had followed the rule not to stick your d*ck in crazy.
Brother, I say this lovingly:
End this.
She’s literally trying to figure out a way to have a baby and raise it on her own with you in the house so she doesn’t have to vaccinate them.
That’s insanity. Like, literally insanity.
Now is not the time to be entertaining this conspiracy theory. We just got out of a pandemic. There is a major measles outbreak and now the bubonic plague is back. You cannot have a child with a woman is this deep down the no vax pipeline during a time where healthcare is so shit and sickness is so prevalent.
End this now before it gets worse.
Wow finally some responsible adult thinking! You are super wise to consider this. This has implications for how you will provide child care and educate the children. You ain’t getting into a day care, preschool or public school with no vaccinations. Has she considered this? This would for sure be a deal breaker for me.
The red flags are both red and flaggy. She’s willing to go so far as to have a baby without you as the biological father so she can subject it to medical neglect. Stop having sex with this woman and run.
Ummm, all of this seemed normal until you said she looked into ways to have a baby without you. Not normal.
Also, bad news, girlie: IVF requires a boat load of medications and they’ve got way more side effects than a tdap shot.
I wouldn’t want to reproduce with someone that dumb in the first place.
Imagine paying for all those rounds of IVF, the pregnancy, the birth, the medical care, all for the child to die of measles or something preventable.
Get out now before the heartache.
It won’t get better, leave
Life provides us with informal IQ tests. People who fail these tests might be fun for now, but they will grow tedious when you need to rely on them in the long-term future. This is data you should be grateful for receiving now, while it’s not too late to act upon it, rather than after you find yourself with unvaccinated children who unfortunately inherited their mother’s IQ.
My daughter is immunocompromised. Thankfully she can still be vaccinated, at least depending on the vaccine, her diagnosis is very new and I’m still learning how to support her. But especially now that I have a child who is at risk I am begging people to get their kids vaccinated. Please do not have kids with this person.
Are you two otherwise in agreement on other things in your relationship, or plans for the future? If so, I think this could be a point you could use in trying to bring her back to reason: “We’re able to come to an agreement on so many other things, I would hate for this point of disagreement to be what causes a rift in our relationship.”
If this is a matter of facts and knowledge about a field of study, perhaps you two could identify someone who you two can BOTH agree would be a knowledgeable and trustworthy source, who she could talk to about her concerns with vaccines. For instance, if she already currently sees a licensed doctor who you’d trust isn’t a quack, what if you asked her to raise her questions with them?
This is a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness. Time to cut your losses.
The anti-vax thing in itself is a red flag. I have a family member who refuses to vaccinate her child. The kid is “homeschooled” because the school requires certain vaccines- your kid generally cannot go to public school without them.
She also refused anyone in her household to get vaccinated. They all legit had covid at least 5-6 times during the pandemic and were always pretty ill from it- it boiled my blood that her two underage children were subjected to it.
You have incompatible life goals. How you raise children is as important as whether or not to have children, or how many to have.
Yeah, I think it’s time to move on to this relationship. Next thing you know, she’ll be trying to medicate with crushed up flowers and stop wearing deodorant or using soap. I don’t trust ALL vaccines, but my kids are vaccinated with the exception of Gardasil, the flu, and covid vaccines. I did not follow the vaccine schedule exactly as it was scheduled to be given, though. Babies get a lot of shots at one time these days. The ones that I questioned being necessary I talked to the doctor about and got good information. Of course, you have to have a doctor that you can trust if you’re going to go this route. And they did get their full rounds of vaccines, but I had them broken up so they didn’t get a bunch at one time. it took a little longer to finish out their vaccines, and I had to make a few extra trips in between normal checkups, but it was easier on their little bodies
I do find anti-vaxxers bizarre. If your gf needed a medical procedure, would she just refuse it because she presumably can’t trust medical science? Or is it just vaccines?
Ultimately if she doesn’t want the protection of vaccines, that’s her decision but it’s totally different when it comes to your kids. I really wouldn’t be considering starting a family in any way with this person.
If she is looking to have a baby without you then you should go.
looking at alternative means to have a child without you yet wanting to stay together is actually insane.
yes, i couldn’t be with someone who was against basic vaccines. you know, the vaccines me and you and the rest of the first world got as children.
You already know the answer to this. People can have and should have differences of opinion. They shouldn’t knowingly endanger their children. If they reach a point where there is no compromise on major issues, the relationship generally ends. You fundamentally want different things. She is going so far as to have a child without you and tell you what parts of its life you can be involved in, medical decisions not being one. It’s over. Find someone else who more closely aligns with your views. This is not only a political difference but a difference in a fundamental view on the world and how to treat a child you bring into it. You’re not going to resolve this with her and her actions to exclude you from the process and anti vaxing are something beyond my comprehension.
If you reproduce with someone dumb, don’t be surprised if your kids are dumb too.
Does she uses a smartphone, has flown or used a car? Why does some science gets trusted and the other not? How the fuck does she trust IVF?
That woman is crazy and if you decide to have children with such a person you are too.
Leave Now.
Frankly, ignoring well established medical science is a huge red flag. You do not want to have to fight your coparent over basic health and safety because that fight has the highest stakes and will never ending.
As a parent, your job is to prioritize your child. it’s the worst idea to enter a situation where that basic principle is going to constantly get in the way of your relationship with your partner and is setting yourself up for failure.
It’s tough when a long-term relationship must end for logical reasons, but it’s worse to stay even a day longer.
Do you think someone who believes in the literal devil is girlfriend material?
I have relatives who work in health care and without a doubt they always say the worst patients are anti vaxers because they’re selfish. Children’s immune systems are not strong enough. My uncle literally recalls a child that died from measles and had to suffer for the rest of her little life until death because her father was an idiot who prevented her from getting the measles vaccine. Mind you. He was vaccinated against measles. What’s even worse is that reason why anti Vaxers believe their rhetoric is right is because not everyone is an idiot aka herd immunity. If majority of the population is vaccinated, the smaller population of people who cannot get vaccinated for whatever reason. It’s also worth mentioning that the rate of measles is increasing in the uk and aus because less children are being vaccinated. Don’t reproduce with this selfish idiot.
Is there a compromise? 1. More research (pro or con) may come by that time, 2. Truly listen to one another’s thoughts and research 3. Vaccinate but on a delayed schedule
Leave, it’s an untenable situation.
Dude what 😂
Vaccine argument is enough to not have a kid with her. But the fact that she was looking at IVF from another man so she can be the sole decision maker, but still thought it would be cool for you guys to stay together is INSANITY. You shouldn’t have to clarify to her. Nobody in their right mind would reach that conclusion.
This goes beyond compatibility. She is way out of touch with reality. Your entire life is going to be nightmare after nightmare, it’s not just the kids. She’ll be arguing with you and you’ll have no means of getting her to comprehend basic concepts. Get out NOW. You get married or have a kid, it’ll be too late.
It’s okay you had 7 years with her. It’s not a waste if you leave. You’re only 26. Leave
Time to find someone compatible. She’s not it.
When I met my wife she was a hippie. We discussed vaccines when we were still in our FWB phase and I was clear “if we ever have kids, I’m getting them vaccinated whether you want to or not”. She accepted that. Now she’s the biggest proponent of science based medicine.
Stand your ground on this one. You have a responsibility to all children, not just those of “mine loin”.
I couldn’t have kids with someone who disagreed on such a fundamental safety issue.
Yeah, Don’t procreate with people like this.
Read Roald Dahl’s description of how his daughter died from measles before there was a measles vaccine.
So she believes in the science to have a baby through IVF? Or adopt a child that probably already is fully vaccinated too. Please run!
Leave. Your wife is a danger to children. Not just your own, but other people’s. Not everyone CAN be vaccinated, if someone is immunocompromised or has an autoimmune disease or certain allergies, or is even just too young, being around them can expose them to deadly diseases.
Go look up measles deaths in Alberta.
Do not procreate with antivaxxer, leave.
You guys need to sit down and have a very serious talk about what it would look like if you have kids because this isn’t going to work.
Personally, I would not have kids with someone who was anti-vaxx. This isn’t an argument about something small, this is a very big life or death decision. You have to make sure you are having kids with someone who agrees with you on the big things like this and is willing to respectfully work out the small disagreements. This doesn’t sound like it’s going to work for the two of you, but you need to know now.
And if she’s looking into having a kid that doesn’t involve you while also still being with you…? That’s genuinely weird to me. I can’t quite verbalize what it is that bothers me about it, but it just feels like a disconnect with reality, especially since she knows you also want kids. I’m not going to call it a red flag, but I’m also not not going to call it that. I don’t think she knows how serious having a kid is if she thinks this is something that’s feasible.
When you have the conversation, though, make sure you’re not posing this as an ultimatum. Make sure she knows that you will not be compromising on this subject, and that sometimes people need to be honest when they’re incompatibile. It sucks but it’s true. She needs to understand the gravity of the situation, and you guys just need to be honest with yourselves and each other.
And it’s especially important to keep in mind that if she’s already like this now, it’s likely going to get worse when the kid comes around. My ex wife became an anti-vaxxer once we were expecting, and it was an absolute struggle. I had to fight to get my kid vaccinated and to not get circumcized. There’s something about actually going through the pregnancy period that can make someone amp up these feelings of urgency wrt topics like vaccinations.
Thankfully, my ex wound up growing out of the anti-vaxx shit, but that was after I left with our kid and she had to get help to become a stable parent. That was not a fun time, you do not want to have kids with someone who is going to battle you on the big stuff like this, trust me.
She’s talking about having children that aren’t yours biologically because she doesn’t want them to have vaccines….. that’s just maddening. It’s time to leave the crazy for someone who thinks the same as you and wants YOUR children
I say this realistically. Your partner would let your children die to prove a point. Leave while you can cleanly.
Hello. Vaccines are required for a child to go to a public school in Canada. Not too sure if that is required where you live. You can home school the child of course. It really depends on if the Vaccines are mandatory. The big C vaccine was not mandatory and was given out as an “as-is” and take at your own risk vaccine. There is no legal possible way of fighting an “as-is” item. Yea I understand your spouse point of view. It is what the law says that counts in the end and it is sad that the laws that are in place voids any warranty or claims legally. I will not get in to law talk because ironically it will depend on where you live and what laws apply based off of where you live. With regards to the baby in the end it is her body and she can choose what to do with that body. It is a bit extreme or out of the norm but in her mind she is correct even if it has not been proven to be correct.
If the baby thing is a deal-breaker then you have no choice but to leave her if you want a biological child.
Sorry But :
I vote = + 1 to leave
Oh god. Just end it before she baby traps you with an unvaccinated kid.
Can’t fix crazy.
Unless you enjoy the idea of watching your kids* suffer and/or die from a completely preventable disease, it seems like this relationship has run its course. But let’s set the vaccine stuff aside for a second.
When I see posts like this, I count the years backward to see when y’all started out. You were 19 when you got together. People do a whole lot of changing between the ages of 19 and 26. Are you still with her because of who she is at 26, or because of what you guys had when you were 19 or 20? If you were choosing someone brand new at 26, would you choose THIS person knowing who she is now and what she believes now? That’s your answer.
(* Or the kids she’s going to make you raise, even if they’re not yours.)
All I read in OP’s post is “we are incompatible”
Time to leave, your differences will result in a bad outcome for everyone involved
My guy, she doesn’t make decisions based on credible evidence. She is susceptible to manipulation through propaganda. She believes in conspiracy theories.
You don’t want to spend your life with someone like that. She will destroy you and ruin the mental (and likely physical) health of any child she parents.
Our brains finish developing in our mid-20s. This is just who she is now. This is the kind of adult she intends to be, and nothing you do can change that.
It’s time to leave.
What about spacing out all the vaccines. I know that some that they give an infant aren’t needed right then?
She’s too stupid to be a mom.
No im sorry this is something worth splitting up over
If she wants children, you should put your foot down when it comes to vaccines and other important matters.
Things don’t have to be terrible. When you realize you’ve reached a point that you can’t progress and have the life you want with the person you’re with or can’t give them the life you know they want, staying is just wasting time.
It’s painful to say goodbye to someone you still love but it also frees you both to pursue the life you want and meet someone with whom you can share that.
All vaccines (99%) are “doctor approved” for the population they are designed for. There are certain specific MEDICAL circumstances that may exempt someone from a vaccine. Besides that, her “research” is YouTube conspiracy theorists. Don’t have children with this idiot.
You two are not compatible. She might be telling you that she will allow your child to get vaccinated but would she be willing to lie to maintain her beliefs? She also may go further down the rabbit hole as she finds others who believe in her views.
We haven’t had measles in US because of vaccines. Then the anti vaccine became popular and we have an outbreak of measles. Measles can progress to pneumonia, encephalitis, and even death. The virus weakens the immune system, making individuals more susceptible to other infections.
It would be tragic to have babies with someone who would risk a child to this disease. Polio is coming back. I had friends who had to wear braces for life because of polio. Another disease that was gone.
If she can be so ignorant about vaccines, what other hare brained things will she want to do when they become popular?
I am not going to trash her for her opinions cause it’s not my place but yes, this is absolutely an incompatibility if you are planning to have kids.
Please do not procreate with someone as moronic as her, no child deserves that.
She is in the rabbit hole. It can get way worse, soon she shoots the postman for being a lizard person.
People who reject logic and seek conspiracy theories are not well. But it has been shown that confronting them with flaws in their logic makes them believe it harder.
So, stay away. Someone close to me watched his wife go from slightly gullible to complete conspiracy nut, and now the kids have a broken home.
Please leave. The added stress of fighting over core values with kids is hell for everyone
Have her read your Reddit post’s comments. We do not agree with her.
You should leave now- not just because of the vaccine issue, but because she’s gullible.
Anyone who can fall for this crap is likely to fall for tons of other ridiculous scams. If you stay with her, one day you’ll find out she sent your savings to a scammer, or got into MLM bullshit or joined a cult.
There’s zero chance that vaccination will be the only major parenting disagreement/incompatibility you’ll have. Nope.
Leave, that’s an irreconcilable difference.
Vaccines, retirement, politics, and religion are all unaligned for y’all…none of these are truly negligible. She’s also willing, while in a relationship with you, to look into alternate methods of getting pregnant whether you’re actually consenting to parenting with her or not??? That is so manipulative and crazy, dude.
Leaving is the right choice, for both of you. Don’t let Sunk Cost Fallacy convince you to settle down with someone who is fundamentally incompatible with you.
This is too big of a difference to make work. You have to leave. It will be a constant battle trying to raise children together
This is going to become a bigger problem when you have kids, especially if she is getting deeper into the conspiracy theories. It could eventually turn into her not wanting any medical care for your children. My mom was anti vax and a nurse. While she wasn’t completely anti medicine, she still didn’t take care of my medical needs as much as she should have. I get terrible car sickness and didn’t know there was anything you could take for it until adulthood. I never got the hpv vaccine because my mom told me it killed people. I had infections she would try to use homeopathic medicine on before sending me to the doctor once it got dangerous. She thought too much sunscreen was bad so I was constantly sunburned in the summers.
And this is someone educated in medicine. If she hadn’t had that it would have been so much worse. Please don’t do this to your future children.
You posted about your gf 8 months ago saying you wanted to break up with her because of multiple issues that made you two incompatible including the vaccine thing. You were told at that time that the kindest and wisest thing to do would be to end the relationship. Now here you are 8 months later with the same woman and asking the same question. Why do you think the feedback will be different this time? Just go read your thread from 8 months ago because the answer is there.
I had a similar situation at about the same age as you. Leave. She will not change her mind, you will not change yours and its a deal breaker because this is a fundamental incompatibility.
This is quite a big thing which you both have strong feelings about. Neither of you are compatible
She sounds very thick. Not sure why you want kids with her.
Look how RFk turned out
Y’all have been together since you were teens. You’ve grown apart. This is the issue that has made this fact visible but there will be and probably already are others. Don’t wait until you have a child (whether of your loins or not) to admit you shouldn’t be together.
Don’t have kids without following the vaccination program. You will give them hell many times around, maybe worse if unlucky.
Yes she can be against vaccin for her own sake but don’t drag kids into this shit. It’s risking their life’s.
Leave now not vaccinating kids is non-negotiable. Do you want your newborn dying of a preventable disease? I sure wouldnt
I used to be very judgmental of antivaxxers until I learned more of the sad history of how medicine has treated African American and indigenous people. It’s a trauma response to not trust, and it’s sad, and it’s coming from a place of deep hurt.
There is an interesting story about the genital warts vaccines— one went with the “ask your doctor”’route and one teamed up with schools to push it hard in school. The former was well accepted, the latter raised fury— “the school is assuming my 9 year old boy is going sodomized?” It was bad. When people felt they had a choice in the privacy of the doctor’s office, the consent rates were much higher.
So I agree with you, but knowing that it’s probably coming from fear, sad history and a knee jerk to feeling forced more than willful ignorance and conspiracy can make it easier to face.
Well one of you is rational and the other one isn’t. One of you refers to commonly accepted practice and the other one prefers to latch onto conspiracy theories rather than listen to the experts
Have two kids. One vaccinated and the other not. See which one of you is right.
This is a dealbreaker, sorry.
And antivaxers just get more extreme with time. You wouldn’t recognise her anymore in 10-15 years.
This is why it’s important to ‘take the temperature’ of various topics throughout the relationship. Sometimes, people who started the journey together end up on separate paths.
Haven’t they released several studies showing intelligence is carried on the maternal gene?
Godspeed, brother.
You are not compatible. And she is stupid. Do not have children with this person.
So she’s somehow gotten a PhD in epidemiology from youtube in the last few years? Good for her.
She’s down the rabbit hole of believing that her ignorance trumps science. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HER. DO NOT.
She’s turned the corner into a lost cause of the cult of politics over actual reality. May as well leave now.
I mean I see both sides although vaccines protect when you look at the harmful things they put in them that that’s a real thing and yes I have two daughters who are autistic link directly with the vaccine they had around 1 year right after that vaccine she didn’t talk for 4 years my older daughter so I postponed it with the second trying to give it and both kids are still autistic also look at the schedule of the vaccines and the fact that they give them now more vaccines than we ever got I actually think I would listen to her more instead of just dismissing it look at all the injuries and wounds coming out over the vaccines that are finally being released look at studies from other countries that prove what people have been saying all along maybe hear her out
all vaccines are doctor approved. dont procreate with a moron
Don’t have children with a conspiracy theory believer
She would rather do IVF than have a child with you. Please, you’re young. Leave, grieve and move on. Find someone who is intelligent enough to know that doctors do actually know what they’re talking about.
Please don’t stick your dick in crazy.
This is just the tip of the iceberg
What else is she going to later fight back against? Education, etc.
Is she aware that ALL vaccines are approved?? That’s why they are made available to us. I grew up when the common vaccines were just coming out, so many of my relatives got the actual diseases. My uncle got the measles and ended up deaf. I knew people who had polio and were sick for months, and it affected their bodies in different ways. I had Rubella (German measles). Did you know if a pregnant woman is exposed to Rubella, her child could end up with intellectual disabilities? I’ve had chicken pox. It’s generally not fatal, but it is a miserable couple of weeks. When you take your child to get their vaccines, you are given a paper with all the information you need to know about it, including possible side effects. Vaccines did not just pop up out of the blue. Actual qualified scientists researched and developed them over years. I’ve had the COVID vaccine twice. I was fine. A friend of mine died from COVID. Your girlfriend needs to stop listening to conspiracy theories and look at facts and reality.
Both your brains finished developing a year ago and met as teenagers- it’s a bigger world bro, go see it with someone who doesn’t think polio was a scam
My advise is not to have kids with an idiot
The thing about getting married is that you’re stuck with all the decisions your partner makes. If the kids aren’t vaccinated, they get sick more often than vaccinated kids, which (in the States) can mean lost wages while at home caring for ill children. Or maybe using your vacation hours to care for ill children. People are extra likely to catch respiratory viruses on planes. That means if you fly on your vacation, you have two days to enjoy it, then the kids get sick, and the rest of vacation is spent caring for ill children away from home.
Denial of Science would be the end for me. Also where does it stop? Are we washing our hands, or is it “good” for our bodies and immune system to be exposed to harmful bacteria too? Do we cover our sneezes and coughs, or do we cough on people to “strengthen” their immune systems too? Are you comfortable with your unvaccinated wife and kids visiting your parent who has cancer and is on chemo? What about Hep B vaccine helping to prevent liver cancer, and the HPV vaccine that prevents some throat and cervical cancers? Do you not want your kids to have those?
Don’t have children with someone who’s okay with them succumbing to preventable diseases. Vaccines are one of the best things to happen to the human race. Anyone who thinks differently is not smart enough to raise children, and I will die on that hill.