Hi everyone,
My husband used to have alcohol and substance abuse. After years of tears and begging and a lot of let downs, I was ready to leave. As I was making a plan for mine and kids escape, he changed overnight and all seemed okay for a while.
Now, there is a new addiction, and I cannot understand if he is sublimating but I am really getting tired of this.
I work for him as a legal employee (he runs a small business) so my finances are tied to him. Recently, he has become obsessed with tik tok battles where 2 creators battle against each other and you send your picked creator gifts (bought with real money) so they can win. The battle lasts 5 minutes but creators can do hours of these battles (this is my best knowledge and understanding of the battles as I’ve never known of them until this issue).
In 2 days he spent $975 (US) or €860…I’m am shocked and speechless at how anyone can throw away this much money on nothing..
In the live stream he chats with them, sends them wink faces and so on. All the tik tok battles he watches are with girls, that obviously flirt and are charming, sweet and funny for a reason. The amount of girls like this he has added in just days is concerning. No shade to what they do, it’s not their fault.
I know it’s nothing ‘serious’ but for some reason the betrayal hurts, and deep. I’ve had previous relationships with cheaters and even though he isn’t cheating it hurts as if he is. For what reason would a married man and father of 2 children need to act like this, chatting to girls online and spending his money left and right ..
Really need some advice, if he gets over this, will there be a new addiction? How can a grown man fall to such things?
P.s. I had an interview today for a job and start Wednesday. Also thinking of opening a separate bank account so he can’t use my money when his is all gone.
Thank you in advance for your advice.
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Backup of the post’s body: Hi everyone,
My husband used to have alcohol and substance abuse. After years of tears and begging and a lot of let downs, I was ready to leave. As I was making a plan for mine and kids escape, he changed overnight and all seemed okay for a while.
Now, there is a new addiction, and I cannot understand if he is sublimating but I am really getting tired of this.
I work for him as a legal employee (he runs a small business) so my finances are tied to him. Recently, he has become obsessed with tik tok battles where 2 creators battle against each other and you send your picked creator gifts (bought with real money) so they can win. The battle lasts 5 minutes but creators can do hours of these battles (this is my best knowledge and understanding of the battles as I’ve never known of them until this issue).
Today alone, he spent $975 (US) or €860…I’m am shocked and speechless at how anyone can throw away this much money on nothing..
In the live stream he chats with them, sends them wink faces and so on
I know it’s nothing ‘serious’ but for some reason the betrayal hurts, and deep. I’ve had previous relationships with cheaters and even though he isn’t cheating it hurts as if he is. For what reason would a married man and father of 2 children need to act like this, chatting to girls online and spending his money left and right ..
Really need some advice, if he gets over this, will there be a new addiction? How can a grown man fall to such things?
P.s. I had an interview today for a job and start Wednesday. Also thinking of opening a separate bank account so he can’t use my money when his is all gone.
Thank you in advance for your advice.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Years of tears and begging? How long have y’all been together?
First of all, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I can only imagine the frustration. I would have a serious talk with him and tell him that he is being so irresponsible, and disrespectful. I would encourage him to delete tiktok, and if nothing changes you may need to speak to a family lawyer and get a plan if you decide to take a break or divorce.
He is being extremely immature, especially to be so much older. Good luck OP. I hope things turn out for the best!
I just bought an 18K gold ring from Tiffany’s that cost less than that 😂
I was in a few rough relationships where I couldn’t trust the other person. Being on edge all the time takes a toll and you don’t have a relationship if you don’t have trust. I met my human 10 years ago, and the difference between this relationship and my previous ones is extreme, to say the least. I feel comfortable, safe, and not anxious when I am at home. That last one was the real kicker to me. Seems like you are on edge right now and there is no trust. I would do exactly as you are thinking, get a job, direct deposit into that account, and when you have enough of a nest egg, leave (if he asks your saving for your kids school stuff). You are still relatively young, so I would advise taking a step back from relationships for at least a year or two before entering a new one. You are really vulnerable after you exit an abusive relationship to fall into that sort of relationship again. I know that cycle all too well. Take time to get to know yourself and focus on your kids as well as settle your old relationship/custody. Get a therapist as well after this is all said and done.
This can’t be real. Don’t waste your youth
Easier said than done but you need to leave and make a safer space for you and your kids. Staying and putting up with after 5 years of this is teaching them that this is what they should accept in a partner…
Not to mention he controls all your finances and employment. This is really manipulative and many would consider it financial abuse.
First off the age gap alone is a red flag. So y’all got together when you were 21 and he was 46. Was he your boss then? Doesn’t matter. Do what you gotta do legally and cover yourself. You’re giving him your youth. Ain’t no dusty man worth your best years. You should be living it up and preparing for your future not cleaning up his messes and begging for attention. Leave him. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
Op, i think a lot of things need to be reevaluated here, even the age gap is a huge 🚩, he probably is addicted to the attention,… I don’t know enough to judge, but if you need to talk I’m here for you
Either this man will never be satisfied and you should leave immediately or he’s finding a way to fill a void of attention he’s not getting from you. Maybe talk to him so you know exactly what to do. Unless of course you’re done with him then just go.
A 41-year-old man blowing money by watching girls on TikTok is fucking ridiculous. I’d require that he delete the app entirely and make sure he knows that’s the last straw. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
How can a grown man fall for these things? Your husband isn’t grown. At your young age, you’ve matured past him.
Glad you’re taking charge of your own finances. He will spend you and your children out of your home.
🚩 🚩
$900 on TikTok battles isn’t nothing. You need to pack your kids and go. This man is going to destroy everything, replacing one addiction with another.
>I know it’s nothing ‘serious’.
Girl you definitely need to be taking this seriously. Him “changing” overnight wasn’t actually real, that’s why he reverted right back to his old ways. It was just a ploy to get you to stay, please don’t fall for it. Continue to get financially independent and then LEAVE. You are way too young to continue to be shackled to this man who has no intention of being a good partner to you. Almost 1000 in two days?? on tiktok battles????? That’s insane.
Leonardo DiCaprio behaviour. Always looking for younger women while getting older
God he’s so old for you.
How is it possible that the 26yo is more mature than the 41yo?
Separate your finances first, maybe, but understand that (in the US) any debt he incurs is shared just as marital assets, including your income, are shared. The sooner you divorce and isolate the financial damage to him to bear the weight of, the better.
Even if you wanted to stay with him romantically for some reason, separating legally is still probably an advisable course of action for your financial future. Which, by the way, you have a lot more of than he does.
I’ll just come out and say the hard part.
An addict is always an addict. Doesn’t matter what the addiction is. When they aren’t using, are clean, they may be considered “in recovery”.
You said you’ve forgiven his mistakes. They weren’t mistakes, friend… they were his actions. He betrayed you by his actions. Yes, it will happen again. If you choose to “overlook” it each time, he’ll become more comfortable with acting again.
I’m speaking this as a 56 year old woman who’s been in similar situations. I bring this with love.
You need to separate your finances. I saw that you’re getting a new job. Excellent! Save your money, your time, and your energy for yourself and your children. They are the most important beings in your world, don’t facilitate them growing up seeing their mother being taken advantage of. They will find it hard to respect you, and may come to resent you, the longer this goes on. You are not a doormat. Be the strong, loving mother that you are.
I’m sorry you’ve hitched your wagon to a man that isn’t strong enough to walk through life beside you. You deserve much better.
Op just leave. This man is no fixer upper he’s a down dragger. He will have you in debt over your head if he keeps on like this. Yes please do divide your accounts. I would start separating everything. And prepare to leave again. This man will end up cheating too. He likes the attention throwing around money to young women and flirting with them which hurts you bc in your gut it’s cheating. Be it financially or just out right interactions with these women. Everyone’s cheating line is different. This is yours and that ok. I would be pissed too. Get that job and get out before he bc addicted to something else he drags you into. Good luck op.
Normally I would say to seek couples therapy alongside individual….
It’s best to begin planning the exit now. You are young, and if there are no kids, a divorce isn’t an issue for future partners. Therapy for yourself should still happen as any divorce is a big deal to work through.
That aside, browsing Reddit makes me believe I’m an idiot for deliberately avoiding dating because I was/am going through a low point mentally/emotionally. Men out in these stories make me seem like a model boyfriend/husband, top 1% quality.🙃
Creepy AF age gap…
My advice is to stop trying to analyze why he is doing any particular thing. Doing this will distract you from the reality you are facing and what you must do to survive. He is an old adolescent and grabbed you when you were very young. He has socialized you as you have spent your developing years with him. He will continue to ignore your and your children’s needs. It will only get worse. That amount of money is outrageous to make himself feel better when he could be using it for his family. When he is on that planet, he has no memory that you even exist. This sounds like a no-win situation to me.
He gets addicted to whatever because that’s how his brain works. Please, leave. He will never change
People in these live streams work it like a job and thrive off off all of the attention they get especially from females. They often have clandestine relationships offline and a lot of money can change hands in these battles.
You need to get your own bank account, siphon off money that you can for a nest egg for your own place and talk to a lawyer and get away from him.
You need to get a separate account, get a new stream of income, HIDE or put in storage your valuables, anything he could look for to sale and consult an attorney
It’s a dopamine hit for him, just like any other addiction.
I hope and pray that you can escape this marriage safely OP. He is a huge 🚩 you’re still young and he is mostly a groomer.
I hope you have a separate savings accnt. Pls reach out to someone you can trust and help you leave this situation.
LEAVE
When he suddenly “changed” and “got better” overnight, did he seek any help? Did he go to meetings? Did he go to rehab? Get a sponsor?
I feel like you don’t even have to answer me. He’s doing a classic addiction swap. He didn’t get better. He didn’t do the work of understanding his addiction, then healing it. He just found a new one.
What I think most people don’t understand is this: Your husband doesn’t have an alcohol problem. He doesn’t have a drug problem, or a gambling problem, or an internet problem. He is an addict. It’s not the drug. Or the gambling high. It’s the addiction itself.
If that doesn’t help, try to think of it like this: Someone with liver cancer has a sick liver. Someone with a broken leg has a damaged leg bone. Someone who has an addiction has a sick brain. That rewards center in our brain, something that has helped drive our evolution, is out of control in an addict. It overrides reason. It overrides reality. I’m sure OP, but probably many of you have heard an addict tell a crazy lie, something no one would believe, and seem to believe it wholeheartedly (and think you should too). It’s because they do. That drive to feed the addiction will take over everything. That’s why you see mother’s leave their children. Friends rob their friends. That addiction becomes a force like starving for food.
OP, it may be too late to salvage your marriage. But if he doesn’t actively seek help and work towards true sobriety, he won’t ever stop. He will always be seeking his next high. Sure, there may be periods of calm where it looks like he’s getting better. I promise you though, if he’s not working with people who understand this disease (and unfortunately it’s a lifetime of work), he’s not. It’s just how addiction is. Good luck.
So you work just to fund his creepy ass addiction? I’m assuming when you say “girls” that they are in fact very young?
Leave himmmmm girl!! What are you doing
Jesus. You need to dump this guy. He’s paying online whores.
WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE??
Another age gap red flag. U/burbnbougie
There’s a reason we look down on age difference relationships: you married this loser when you were only 21 years old, your brain hadn’t even finished forming, and he was a 36 year old alcoholic. Okay! When you were 21 you were charmed and you didn’t know better, but now you’re older and wiser, and it’s time to make a plan to sever yourself from this alcoholic spendthrift. Start a new bank account. Go see an attorney as soon as possible and get some advice on how to get a divorce. Start thinking about who can help you out during this difficult time: friends? Family? Get your support people ready.
Girl ew
I’m gonna go out on a limb and take a guess that at some point earlier on in your relationship with this man, you heard these words almost verbatim “you’re so mature for your age!”…
This dude sounds like an absolute creep and this is not normal at all.
Yo gtf OUT of there
Also holy age gap. RUN AND NEVER EVER LOOK BACK
What’s crazy is the girls who do these battles collect cash 1x a week for a few hours and then go live their life. I work with one girl who does these battles and she literally does it for an hour and makes $$$.
You need to leave as soon as you can
If you’re a US citizen then your money is his once his is all gone. Any debt that he takes on during your marriage, whether or not you are aware of this debt, is a shared marital debt.
PLEASE do more than think about opening a separate account. Please do it, and make sure he has no access to your account info or cards.
DO get your own Bank account and reinstate that exit plan
You should have never married him. Run while you can
You were 21 and he was 36 when you met… that’s the only red flag you should need
Hé is addicted. Hè has a problem.
Hè needs change NOW.
Change = professional help
And Cold turkey — stop all addition.
Hé needs to know you will leave
In his mind hé can do whatever hè wants: you will not leave him. That is a comfortable and reassuring situation.
Trust me
I have had an addiction myself.
I feel like we’re living the same life.. mine is addicted & obsessed. I see it in our finances, I hear about it and all the drama all day long (do I look ligaf??!!), I even hear about when he’s sleeping!! Literally sleep talking and hand movements like scrolling, but nothing’s there. Start protecting yourself financially before he starts spending thousands of dollars behind your back and lies about it because “he just couldn’t help it” or “didn’t realize” or he was “just trying to get that win” for someone or himself. Watch out if he starts joining multi-player box battles also.. those can be even more costly. Also, I would be checking other social media platforms… maybe there’s no shade from you to these girls because they’re just doing whatever to profit, but his help may be coming at a cost. I hear pictures and videos bring bigger throwers.
You’re a victim and you don’t even see it.
Get yourself a therapist asap.
Please please separate your finances immediately. Do whatever you need to do to ensure you and your children’s future, but yeah start looking for an exit plan. Like first of all, this doesn’t even sound like the behavior of a sober person it sounds like the behavior of someone on meth. And secondly, once he gets bored with this I bet the next vice is gambling, and that can get real bad real fast. Get out while you can, you’ve got every right to be pissed you don’t have to justify your feelings to anyone or explain yourself. That almost thousand dollars he spent on literal strangers could’ve gone into your kids college funds for fucks sake. He’s shitty. You deserve better.
It wont get better. As Hard as it sounds your husband is mentaly fucked. He is dragging you and your Kids down. For the sake of you and your Kids leave him asap. He wont change and you cant change him. He will hurt you and your Kids more and more. Use your head and leave him.