Let me back up: We have been married two years, together for nine (since high school). Over time, we have grown to be very different people in terms of values, ethics, how we like to spend our time, etc.
He is currently in medical school and I am in the process of going back to school. I want to move to a city for school, and he essentially said I cannot consider any city he wouldn’t move to (based off of his own preference) or any without a good residency program in his specialty (which is fair). Unfortunately, this eliminates the top places I would prefer to go to school.
Ultimately as we discussed our future plans and life goals and dreams, he told me he initially liked and chose me because I was mature and goal-oriented, but now I have become someone who just wants to have fun and is immature. He thinks it is immature to dream to go to school in a big city just because I want to, that desire alone is not a good enough reason to do something. (Nevermind that my career prospects are better in the cities I am targeting.) He also told me he doesn’t trust me to make the right decision and that he doesn’t trust me, period.
As we had this conversation, he told me 2-3 separate times: “Good luck finding someone as good as me again. You’ll never find it. You’re making a huge mistake.”
I feel like based on the things he said to me during this conversation alone, he doesn’t trust, respect, or like me anymore. He has never given me this impression before, but now it’s clear as day and I can never forget his words. They’ve been playing in a loop in my head. What do I do? We’ve only been married two years, but I live with him and am studying full time with no job or savings right now. I need time to get the money to move out and support myself through our inevitable divorce. I don’t know where to begin. I am overwhelmed and heartbroken. How do I take my life back into my own hands?
Comments
Madam, I think your instincts are 100% correct.
Your husband does not respect you, nor does he take your thoughts and feelings particularly seriously.
Most importantly, the statement he made to you on two or three separate occasions is manipulation in its worst and most destructive form.
You have described a situation where the two of you have grown apart… and your differences are existential in nature, and therefore likely irreconcilable.
If you are overwhelmed by your feelings and confusion, I would humbly recommend that you seek some sort of talk therapy.
You refer above to the “inevitable divorce.”
It’s a very good thing that you already have an objective in mind. Now you need to talk to someone, an objective third-party, who can help you figure out how to help you get there.
For what it’s worth, I’ve been in your situation, and I speak to you from many years of experience.
Please let me know what you think about that. Thank you.
Get a job and move out and then pursue your career.
You can’t have it all in this scenario. You can’t have him (in particular) respect your wishes, get to live the life you want to live and have this relationship support you in it.
You either take action to break free or wait and have him dominate the relationship in the mean time.
You may want to talk to an attorney about spousal support but he’s far away from making the big money, probably had huge debt and with no kids and only married two years I don’t think it’ll matter much. If anything you’ll want to divorce his debt too.
When you’re in your twenties, you grow a lot and this is the age where a lot of couples just grow apart. It sounds like that is what is happening between you and your husband.
Telling you that you’ll never find somebody like him is meant to demean you and if he is resorting to these kind of tactics to break down your self-esteem then he obviously doesn’t have a lot of respect nor love for you.
You can absolutely find someone better than him. Someone who better aligns with your own values, goals, dreams and level of maturity.
Start right now to save money and get your own source of income. Do not get pregnant. Can your family help you? Yes the financial situation you have can seem overwhelming and difficult to manage, but it is doable for you to leave- even if that will mean a temporary discomfort and minor setbacks. At the end of the day it will be worth it though.
I wish you all the best on your journey and good luck.
He wanted a wife who would cater to his needs and not question him or try to better herself.
He’s an overbearing, arrogant prick.