So for context I [26F] have three boys ages 5 3 and 1, I had the 5 and 3 years old from a previous relationship and the youngest with my current partner [27M] we have been together for 2 years.
My partner works from 7 am to 5:30 pm Monday to Friday and I work from 6 pm to midnight Wednesday to Saturday. We don’t really see each other a lot, 15 minutes in the evenings, some saturdays and sundays (we do live together) my eldest and middle one are with us half the week and every other weekend.
The first time that we had intimacy it was amazing, I was used to pleasing my ex and my partner’s focus was entirely my which was surprising to the point that for the first month I had anxiety attacks every time I had an orgasm. It does happens now but not that often.
He has a very high drive and I just … don’t. I don’t know if it’s normal I’m starting to think that it’s me. I keep reading posts and it’s like 2-3 times a week and for us is like 2-3 times a month.
I don’t know if it’s the fatigue of having three young children plus the house work plus working and going to bed late and having to get up early with the baby. I don’t know if I’m overwhelmed or if something is actually wrong with my drive? I’ve had tests done and my hormone levels are fine. I’m considering trying supplements but don’t know if they work.
I feel like he’s growing distant and I know he needs more bed action. I used to think that every normal family was like mine and between work and kids it was normal to just don’t have intimacy. I just don’t feel the need.Just thinking about the sport of it, the sweating and the showering after it makes me lose the little envy that I have.
I need advice, which supplements should I take? Is this going to end my relationship?
TL;DR I barely have intimacy and I don’t care about it but my partner does and I’m scared he’s going to leave me
Comments
Firstly, every person has a different level of sex drive. This could be hormones, capacity, or just your natural want/need. I think you need to have an honest talk to your boyfriend about each of your needs. There’s no point forcing yourself to have sex out of obligation. If you genuinely want to have more sex, it would be worth talking to a Dr about supplements or any medication you’re on that could be affecting your libido. Don’t underestimate how tiredness can affect your need for sex.
It might turn out that you and your boyfriend may be mismatched sexually and that’s noones fault. The real conversation is about whether that is something he is OK with or if he wants more sex. If there are other less strenuous/tiring things you can do in bed that will satisfy him, whether opening the relationship is an option, or if this is something that the relationship will have to end for. It’s sad if that is the case, but better to know now rather than keep questioning whether you have a problem.
For myself, I’ve found I go through waves with my sexual desire based on my menstrual cycle. You might find the same too?
Just want to add that forcing yourself to be intimate with someone when you’re not feeling it will lead you to feeling resentful. Please take care of yourself and dot blame yourself. what you’re experiencing is very very normal x
You are totally normal.
You are well within your rights to not want to have sex. Some people have low drives others have high drives – it’s completely normal. You barely see eachother, work, have children that are young. You need to have a conversation with him about this. Taking supplements so you can have enough energy to be intimate with your husband is not the right way to go about this in my opinion.
Talk about how he feels about this, then tell him how it makes you feel, be understanding with each-other. It sounds like you both love each-other but just don’t have a lot of time to yourselves. Just intimacy will never “fix” or release this tension in the relationship you or both of you guys are feeling. Focus on spending more time together first in any way you can. Watch a movie together, have nice conversations in bed at night together, arrange a little in the house date or if possible go outside together ( just the two of you ).
Sex shouldn’t feel like a responsibility or a duty you have to fulfill because then you will most likely not enjoy it as much. Your hormones are fine, your emotions however might not be! Low libido can be caused my stress which looking at your situation i wouldn’t be surprised if you are under a lot of it! And that is NORMAL, people have a lot of things going on at once while work and children are involved.
My advice would be to focus on eachother a bit more, do some sweet things (from you to him and him to you), laugh together. Then, i think you will have no problem being intimate. You just need a little time to relax and let your guard down for a few moments. But most importantly you HAVE to tell him how this is troubling you. He may not understand the mental battle you are going through with this. No one can read minds – only you can let him know !