My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. This has been a super toxic relationship until the past 2 years due to excessive alcohol use and untreated BPD. His mom raised him as an alcoholic and I’ve forgiven him for a lot, due to my own trauma (my mom was killed by my dad when I was 17 and the rest of my family stopped talking to me due to my own drinking problems following my moms death and they are all extremely Mormon). I’ve been physically abused (broken nose, cheek bone, multiple black eyes, I’ve been strangled multiple times and told I was going to die, mostly when he’s been extremely drunk), mentally & emotionally abused (getting called a retard, bitch, cunt, stupid, etc drunk AND not).
We started therapy for a little bit a couple of years ago, and he stopped drinking for the most part, aside from agreed times where he would go to his dads cabin to have a night to himself, with me staying at home, but regardless the drinking stopped largely and the abuse ended completely.
Flash forward to now, I am pregnant (despite being told I would not be able to get pregnant by doctors) and we have moved into a house with his brother. The drinking has started again, with him taking shots of vodka to the point of drunkenness 3-4 times a week. Two nights ago I told him that I hate the drinking and we got into a fight where he eventually agreed that he would keep it at once a week on his weekend. I would prefer him to only do it once a month, but ultimately he is a grown man and can make his own choices. He tells me that he only feels free when he drinks and being drunk is his “favorite thing to do”. I told him that I will not stick around with him if he decides to choose alcohol over his family. That night he had taken some shots while we were fighting and I asked if that could be his once a week time, to which he agreed.
Literally the night after that (last night) I woke up to a text at 2 AM letting me know he was going for a drive because he “drank too many energy drinks and couldn’t sleep”. He turned his location off and I automatically just knew he was drunk. He didn’t even have any energy drinks to consume. I called him and called him out on it, which I could tell he was lying, so I hung up. He reshared his location and we didn’t talk when he got home or this morning when I went to work.
I know that I do not want to raise my child around alcohol, and I don’t want a partner that can’t control himself with substance abuse. I’m terrified it’s going to go back to what it was, and as I’ve matured, I absolutely do not want to be stuck in the same toxic cycles we were in in the past.
I’m stuck on what to do. I do not have family support and I recently took a $7/hr pay cut to be less stressed (I make $17/hr now, and barely have enough to pay my bills, let alone when I’m out of work and have a whole baby to take care of in December).
How do I navigate this situation?
EDIT:
I’m not looking to be berated for being with this man and being pregnant. In no way was it my intention to get pregnant and I am too far along to consider abortion. I am adopted myself and I do not want to give my child up. I’m not purposefully endangering my child, I am asking for ADVICE on how to get out and where to even go. I don’t make enough money to just up and leave and am stuck in a lease. I have two cats and a dog that I’m also not willing to give away, as I see them as my babies which I am responsible for until they die, but no one wants to take in a pregnant lady with 3 animals. So please, if you’ve never been through an abusive cycle and have no idea the complexities of it, leave your unsolicited judgements at the door.
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Yikes. I’m sorry.
It’s morally wrong to knowingly expose a child to this. Contact a women’s DV shelter.
You know what’s wrong and your choosing to stay in it. It’s up to you if you want to break the cycle or want to continue this misery for yourself and your innocent child.
If you don’t have family support, do you have any friends with an empty room or a couch they’re willing to spare?
Otherwise, you’re at the point of talking with local public and nonprofit groups that offer support and services for people at risk of domestic violence.
There is no “former” in addiction, I’m afraid. Especially given he has fallen off the wagon. He is an alcoholic. He will spiral, and it’ll get worse. I’m so so so sorry, my love, but you need to get out for your sake and your baby’s sake. Start documenting things now.
Darling, neither of you are in ANY shape to be raising a child.
It is IMPERATIVE for healthy brain development that the expectant mother feels safe and calm during the pregnancy, as the child’s nervous system is forming, because how you feel while you’re growing your baby is what gets coded into their nervous system. The child uses your emotional landscape to “predict the weather” out there, so to speak.
And when they come out, it is IMPERATIVE that the caregivers are able to regulate their own emotions and create a safe environment for the infant. It’s the first 2-3 months after birth that are the most important, the first 2-3 years are super important, but in all honesty, a child needs a safe and calm caregiver for their whole life.
By what you wrote here, you need to get away from this man ASAP, because he’s stressing you out, which will affect the developing individual inside of you for the rest of their life.
And then you need to STAY gone, find somewhere secure and safe for yourself, and focus on your own wellbeing. Find a healthy community that will take you in, so you’ll get help with the baby, and then continue seeking trauma treatment for yourself, for both your own sake and your child’s sake.
Good luck.
“He tells me that he only feels free when he drinks and being drunk is his “favorite thing to do”.” He is choosing this over you, the relationship and the child. Have your reached out to family and told them the whole situation? Have you consider adoption? You cannot be around this addict being pregnant and especially after having a child.
What are your thoughts on abortion or adoption? I’m sorry but you cannot bring a child into this. Go to a woman’s shelter. He will kill you, he said it himself. He is slipping into old ways and you already know the answer. Go to a women’s DV shelter and have them figure everything out and they’ll tell you your options
There is no other option you should be considering besides getting out.
He’s strangled you, beaten you up, broken bones, busted your face, threatened to kill you.
None of that is worth the risk sticking around for.
Here is a scary stat for you… Women who are strangled by their partner are 7 times more likely to be killed by that partner.
You need to get far away from this man. He cannot be trusted. Extremely dangerous. And you’re certainly at risk.
You ask for help from domestic violence services to find somewhere else to live. He has relapsed hard, it’s not your job to fix him when you have the safety and wellbeing of your child to think about. If you don’t get away with your child, your child will get taken away from you.
girl what? you leave. bringing a child into this is beyond selfish and it makes you a bad mom. knowing what you went through with your mom and dad, why would you put your child in the same predicament?? so they can grow up to repeat the same cycle you and your mom followed? you should know better, seriously. go get some individual therapy, contact a DV shelter and make a plan to escape. i don’t mean to sound rude but this is mind boggling to me and im scared for your child.
You need to leave. The best time to leave is the first time he was abusive. The second is RIGHT NOW.
Don’t be here in a year writing a post about his abuse towards you AND the baby.
Please don’t negotiate with an alcoholic on how many times a week they can get blackout drunk and abuse you.
If you cannot raise this baby by yourself (it appears you don’t have the resources) please consider abortion or adoption. Don’t bring another whole life into this chaos.
You need to leave. Contact your local domestic violence center. They can help you make a plan, and help you find resources for housing, child care, counseling, etc.
You know what comes next if you stay. You deserve better and your child deserves better. You are not safe with an abusive alcoholic. There’s nothing to salvage in this relationship. You need to leave him ASAP.
This is one of those extremely difficult but extremely acceptable reasons to rehome your animals. I know you don’t want to hear that advice. But, it is practical and doable. Your life and the life of your human child are far, far more important than those animals living in the same place you do. You can absolutely find good adoptive homes for them, or find reputable rescues to surrender them to. If you do not have pets, your opportunities for domestic violence shelters and other housing expand tenfold. You must accept that NONE of the steps of this leaving process are going to be easy or comfortable. You will have to make incredibly painful unselfish choices that will hurt deeply in the moments they are made. But, they are absolutely necessary and will bring incredible peace and joy once you are on the other side of them.
Get out. Otherwise you’ll be raising this kid in the same situation you were raised in. Go to a shelter. Because this man is going to kill you.
There are some organizations that help with pets. But to keep you and your kid alive, you may need to find new homes for them.
Start looking for alternatives now. Start making an escape plan. You have 5 months. It’s better to live in peace in a women’s shelter and let them be your support system.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Let’s plan for a healthy baby and a good life for both of you.
I feel bad for this child being exposed to this kind of life.
I think you’re really lying to yourself about everything going on. He’s not going to change because of the baby. If he does, it’ll likely be for the worst, not better. When your baby cries at night, he’s going to lose it. When you ask for help, he’ll lose it. When your toddler has an attitude? You guessed it. And your future is tied to him, forever. The very least you can do is to be stable yourself for you and the baby. Get out. Figure out a plan for financial independence. Document his behaviors. But the reality is that you can’t get fully free, nor can baby. Get as much space as you can, and stay focused. Good luck.
Also, a note for the future that bpd is heritable and in an epigenetics way, alcoholism as well. Just keep an eye out with your child and be prepared to be extra stable to avoid that where possible.
The person who told you to contact a domestic violence program is right. They may be able to steer you toward resources. DO NOT tell your boyfriend you’re doing this. Let them know you have pets you don’t want to give up.
Alcoholism is lifelong. It does not go away and drinking once a week will increase to daily. DO NOT expose your child to this.
Why? Why bring a child into this situation into the first place and then why continue to do it? You need to either get help from local shelters or other social security resources (idk where you live) OR you need to put your child first and consider adoption if you refuse to leave. Stop using the pets as an excuse and start thinking about what your child is going to grow up thinking while their dad strangles and beats their mom. It’s beyond me why you wouldn’t want to break the cycle when you’ve seen firsthand what it’s like. Do you really want your child to grow up the way you did?
There’s no “former” in addiction. You’re having a baby with an alcoholic. I would prepare for the baby as if you will be a single mother.
Why are you popping out a kid for an alcoholic that you aren’t even married to? Is it too late for an abprtion?
updateme