My boyfriend (34M) and I (27F) have been together for 1.5 years. I first told him that I love him around 8 months into our relationship. In response, he said it makes him feel good to hear that, but that for him it isn’t clear what “love” is, and that he doesn’t want to say it, if he isn’t 100% sure that that’s what he feels for me. He said that he feels love for his friends and family, but it’s just not clear what romantic love is supposed to feel like.
Of course, not hearing it said back hurt, but once we talked about it and he explained his feelings I was able to understand where he stood. I was able to respect that he’s just not there yet, not sure. There were maybe 2 situations in the month following my confession where I was saddened again by the fact that he doesn’t love me back, or at least isn’t certain he is. It made me feel very vulnerable and fragile. In response to me being sad he also became sad because it made him feel like there was something wrong with him. Like he wasn’t capable of being in touch with his emotions. It’s true he isn’t very open about his emotions, and sometimes tends to push feelings to the side. However he is the most caring, compassionate, patient, gentle man I know (the list could go on). With this, I try to be there for him. Lend an ear whenever he has something he wants to tell me about, try to comfort him when I can, celebrate good things with him and hug him when he feels down. However I’m not a therapist and I don’t know what else I can do than simply be there and show him his feelings are valid and that he can be vulnerable with me.
Over the months I’ve grown comfortable with saying “I love you” and not hearing it back. I became ok with the idea that I am important to him and he cares about me, but just doesn’t dress his feelings in those words. The thing is, I did expect that he would be able to say “I love you” and mean it with time. We are considering moving in together in the coming months and the saddness accompanying my one sided “I love you” has resurfaced. I don’t know how to bring it up without hurting him, or if to bring it up at all. On the one hand, I simply consider not saying anything. Actions speak louder than words and with the things he does I do feel loved. Maybe it’s not good to push this conversation, and maybe these words shouldn’t be so important and it doesn’t matter. On the other hand, something inside me yearns to hear him tell me he loves me. Perhaps more than hear it, to know that he is certain of his feelings for me, for him to know that he loves me.
So, what do you think I should do? How do I go about this?
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You’ve been with him for 1.5 years and he hasn’t said I love you yet.
You’re missing way more emotional depth than you’re noticing.
I would not move in with someone who can’t even say I love you after 1.5 years together.
ugh, i am in a similar boat. I am with my boyfriend (43) for almost a year, I told him I loved him around the 8 month mark, and he completely froze up. He did say it back after a ton of word vomit, but we have never exchanged it again. We are both going through a divorce, and he seems to need to completely dissolve his marriage before telling someone else he loves them, which, i do respect, but obviously not exactly what i want to hear. However, he shows me he loves me every single day, and the way he looks at me (sometimes, i mean a lot of the times, I think he’s going to say it in those moments, but doesn’t)- it has made me incredibly insecure at times….
however, i know he will say it when it feels right to him. I know addressing it will make it feel forced, and i want him to really mean it. I know when he does say, it’s going to make my stomach drop and be a moment I’ve been waiting long and hard for. but i feel you, i feel you, i feel you. and it fucking hurts so much.
Not the guy. No matter how much you want him to be, he’s not. He doesn’t love you. Why are you still there?
I would certainly not even consider entertaining moving in with someone who cannot commit to saying they love you and is not sure if they love you after 1.5 years together. He is choosing not to say it back still, so take his original answer and apply it to now. Then, consider if you’re okay that he is still not certain he feels love towards you and if you’re okay advancing the relationship further, accepting this.
If the answer is no, the solution is obvious and he should understand completely.
If the answer is yes, then proceed as you see fit.
I would absolutely not be moving in together, though. That is something that should be completely off of the table. If your relationship hasn’t reached I love you’s, it hasn’t reached any type of emotional maturity or depth and definitely not ready to move on to stronger, more serious commitments. He has made sure to let you know he doesn’t love you and every time he isn’t saying it back he is letting you know again and again. You should listen to him, at least he’s being honest.
Honestly I don’t know how you’ve managed to become comfortable saying I love you and not hearing it back, I think I’d die inside every time.
When you love someone, you know, and you tell them. If he doesn’t love you at this point he likely never will. Sad really.
It has been a year and a half.
If you want to spend your life with someone who does not love you and cannot even show enough investment in the relationship to say it without 100% certainty then keep dating him. If you do, you will have a very unhappy life.
Why are you scared to bring it up in case you hurt him? You’re hurting yourself by not bringing it up and accepting it every single day. He knows you want to hear it but he’s not saying it or not acknowledging it.