We are in the height of wedding planning and has been arguing quite a bit lately about various things. We usually never fight like this, but it has definitely brought out the worst in us and brought out some tremendous stress. Usually, we apologize and move on or talk through it before it gets to a point that it’s too much.
We got into an argument last night about how we haven’t been having sex lately (brought up by me), and I told him that it’s important that we don’t go to bed angry, and that we continue to prioritize sex in our relationship.
He then got super defensive and said “I used to have sex with Blair every day multiple times a day, her and I never fought!” *blair is a fake name of course for his ex.
I felt like I had been shot after he said that. I don’t know why he would say something that would hurt me so bad or cut me so deeply when I’m trying to literally fix something that needs fixing in our relationship and I’m aware of it. I’m pretty sure the reason he never fought with his ex is because they didn’t actually talk about anything and they basically only met up to sleep together from what he told me.
I just don’t know how I can get past what he said and now I don’t even feel comfortable being intimate with him because it’s all I can think about is that he’s comparing me to her. I’ve put the wedding planning on a pause for now. We’ve already paid so much towards this. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but what he said really hurt me. I’ve told him this and all he has said was that he was sorry and he doesn’t know why he said it, but it’s done. What can I do?
TLDR: my ex compared me sexually to his ex during an argument
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Time to hit pause on the wedding planning and go to therapy to work out what is going on. Couples disagree all the time but bringing up sex with an ex, that is a different level of fighting and needs addressing.
That was a cheap shot he took at you and was absolutely wrong of him. I think you’re starting to see his true colors showing. Now I’d advise you not to make a mistake and marry this guy after he kicked you in your guts comparing his ex with you. I honestly think you should give him the ring back and walk away. Marriage is a big commitment and he already treats you this bad before you tie the knot. Imagine the worst being married to him just to get divorced. No sex seems time be quiet common but its no good because it makes you feel rejected and fucks up your mental health. Are you going to cancel the wedding?
It’s usually when partner’s reveal they still compare you to their ex where things go south… It shows that they haven’t fully moved on from that relationship. They aren’t appreciating the one they have now, where they need to build a future with.
You could consider couples therapy, but I wonder if he’s willing to acknowledge that his way of thinking comes from unresolved issues still related to his past.
I think deep down he still misses her. And that’s fine and all. We’re allowed to miss people, keep them in our hearts, et cetera. But he’s with you now. This relationship should be his main priority. And that it’s not okay to belittle your partner over qualities or things he and his ex shared that you now don’t.
You are unique, valuable and beautiful. And you have different qualities that make you special. And for all the things his ex had… I mean, there’s a reason that didn’t work out. So he should realize that he should stop looking for what broke him in the first place.
And sure, let’s take in some marriage anxiety and all that… Some people can be quite sensitive standing in front of such a huge step and they may react in ways they don’t mean to. Commitment can suddenly feel scary when it’s becoming real. But that too, can be worked out.
“ “I used to have sex with Blair every day multiple times a day, her and I never fought!”
If I ever said anything remotely close to that to my wife then I would be single right now.
You are way UNDEREACTING about that statement. Are you sure that’s what you want to marry?
>I’m pretty sure the reason he never fought with his ex is because they didn’t actually talk about anything and they basically only met up to sleep together from what he told me.
Do you have Blair’s number? She sounds awesome to be with.
I would feel very humiliated in that conversation. He should not compare you to his ex.
Hey OP
Weddings are stressful, but so are babies and just life in general. If you guys can’t get through this together, I’m really concerned about how your marriage will last.
His comment was definitely aimed to hurt you. So I wouldn’t read to much into the comment itself. I genuinely believe he just picked the first thing that came to his head to hurt you.
The problem though is why? There would appear to be something that he’s dealing with that he’s not sharing with you.
I definitely think pausing the planning is a good move and I’d argue you need to be prepared to cancel it. Something is going on and you guys should probably work it out before continuing further.
Tell him he should go marry her then.
When will people learn that some things u can’t take back once u say it . It will always be between u and your partner.
Comparing u to an ex is fucked up and if u ever did it he will flip out .
I am sorry you were hurt and this is a serious issue to work through, but my god good reddit will take every problem and say break up or don’t get married!!!
marriage is all about surviving trials like this.
one of the things I learned in my first bit of counseling was to stick with facts.
he obviously never planned marriage with his ex. he planned it with you.
he said something stupid during a moment of stress. you are trying to guess at his intent. did he say it too hurt you? you don’t know that! does he want to be back with her? his actions show otherwise.
get some pre-marriage counseling.
you said it yourself his previous relationship was mostly about sex. so what his ex was had a high sex drive. There must be a hundred reasons why he choose you over her to be his fiance.
this can be worked through. not saying its automatic. it does actually have to be worked through. your fiance is going to have to repair the damage he made. you as well have to repair any thing you have done. in couples counselling or pre-martial counseling both work on themselves and a lot of it is about improving communication. saying what needs to be said in the proper way, at the proper time before resentments get built up.
Yeah, that’s playing dirty. Blair and I never fought? Um, Blair and he broke up. It couldn’t have been that fuckin’ fantastic.