We are in the height of wedding planning and has been arguing quite a bit lately about various things. We usually never fight like this, but it has definitely brought out the worst in us and brought out some tremendous stress. Usually, we apologize and move on or talk through it before it gets to a point that it’s too much.
We got into an argument last night about how we haven’t been having sex lately (brought up by me), and I told him that it’s important that we don’t go to bed angry, and that we continue to prioritize sex in our relationship.
He then got super defensive and said “I used to have sex with Blair every day multiple times a day, her and I never fought!” *blair is a fake name of course for his ex.
I felt like I had been shot after he said that. I don’t know why he would say something that would hurt me so bad or cut me so deeply when I’m trying to literally fix something that needs fixing in our relationship and I’m aware of it. I’m pretty sure the reason he never fought with his ex is because they didn’t actually talk about anything and they basically only met up to sleep together from what he told me.
I just don’t know how I can get past what he said and now I don’t even feel comfortable being intimate with him because it’s all I can think about is that he’s comparing me to her. I’ve put the wedding planning on a pause for now. We’ve already paid so much towards this. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but what he said really hurt me. I’ve told him this and all he has said was that he was sorry and he doesn’t know why he said it, but it’s done. What can I do?
TLDR: my ex compared me sexually to his ex during an argument
Comments
It is not dramatic to put wedding planning on pause after your fiancé deliberately said something unkind to you, with the intent to hurt you. Comparing you to an ex is BAD. Combined with the fact that this stressful time is bringing out the worst in you, it sounds like it’s time to pause and find out if you two can find ways to go through stress together without constantly fighting, and without him going for the jugular.
Of course it cut you deeply and shattered your self esteem. He knew that would be the result and it’s exactly why he said it. He set a goal for himself and achieved it.
He is lying when he says he doesn’t know why he said it. He knows he was trying to hurt you as badly as he possible could in that moment. Nothing will get better until he’s prepared to admit that. Nor will it answer why he wanted to do that. It does predict he will do it again though.
You could give counseling a shot, but I think it’s really unwise to tie yourself to someone that viscous and cruel.
At minimum, call off the wedding completely until you (as a couple) have better conflict resolution skills. A divorce with someone who is viscous and cruel will be way more expensive than losing the deposits.
· Maybe I’m being dramatic, but what he said really hurt me.
I wonder how “dramatic” he (or any guy) would be if you had said, unsolicited, that your ex-bf made you come more often and you rarely fought as a result.
Anyway, I’m being snarky and defensive on your behalf — what matters is that you’re hurt, like you said. How much have you talked about this after that initial apology you mentioned in the last paragraph? I would basically tell him what you told us here, that you’re struggling to move past the comment and feeling like he’s comparing you (unfavourably, in one of the most intimate ways) to an ex. Like, yuck. It’s such a juvenile, hurtful way to respond to conflict, even with an apology afterward. I get why you’re struggling with this.
Also, just a brief aside because I’m sure there’s a lot of context we can’t possibly know from one reddit post: it’s not great if wedding planning is “bringing out the worst” in your relationship. Speaking from painful personal experience: the right partner will make big things like weddings feel easier, not harder, and you’ll feel like a team. Yes, I’m sure you’ve already invested a lot of money in the wedding, but ultimately it’s just a party — imagine losing money on the wedding PLUS a divorce, and years of your life/happiness (AND years of your fertility, if you want to have children). Losing a few thousand dollars or even a few tens of thousands is not even remotely as big a loss in the grand scheme of things.
>“I used to have sex with Blair every day multiple times a day, her and I never fought!”
That sentence and the context (that you brought up wanting more sex) says to me that he’s blaming you for it. “If you stop going on at me, we’ll have more sex!” Also, he’s saying there must be something wrong with you, because his last partner didn’t have any issues.
When a person lashes out like that, they’re trying to shut you up, shut you down, however you want to put it. You’ll be so hurt, you’re stunned into silence – that sort of thing. Anything to stop the awkward conversation. I think that’s incredibly immature. Plus, he doesn’t get to hurt you badly and then tell you “It’s done with.” He absolutely does not.
I’m glad you put things on hold, but do NOT start thinking about how much you already paid! That’s the sunk cost fallacy, and that way lies “Oh well, we have to go through with it now because Money,” and a ten-years-later situation where you cannot get through to him that your dead bedroom is a still a problem.
But I bet he’d still throw Blair in your face even then. He sounds a bit emotionally stunted, I’m thinking (not that I’m the most grown up around these parts).
It’s very strange that he got defensive over prioritizing sex in your relationship. A calm response should have followed, but no Blair’s name pop up immediately. Blair is on his mind. Why?
I’m going to venture to guess and I could be totally wrong that he is having sex with Blair and this would account for the lack of sex with you and for the increased arguments. Again I could be totally wrong.