I’ve been dating this girl for about a year and we’ve been talking about our future together seriously, and had a talk about moving in.
However I own a home that I have moved in my 67 year old parents as a family house, however my gf doesnt want to live in this house together, I knew getting involved with anyone that this would be a problem when I asked a few months into the relationship she said she was okay with it, but has changed her mind now.
The home is big enough for everyone and future children. Im open to the idea of getting another house down the line but not renting or taking on a huge mortgage when I don’t have to.
For me taking care of my family is a big responsibility and I want the people I love to be happy and taken care of. My parents do not speak english and we are in a primarily english speaking country, they dont have many friends or a social circle either, and I’m the only person around who can take care of them if god forbids anything happens.
These two factors are the large reasons why we’ve started putting breaking up on the table. I’ve presented every possible middle ground I can think of, but its her way or the highway type of situation. And to say for me to compromise, I can say yes sure, but she never really compromises on anything big in the relationship its always me, which makes me not want to step back on this one.
For her she wants a normal relationship, you know every little step like buying our first home and having her chair be the one we select together, her pans to be hers and not my parents. I’m from the east so I think if your a part of my family then we share everything my chair becomes your chair. I can understand the things she wants are totally normal and I want them too but, I feel like im giving up too much.
And everything else in our relationship is beautiful apart from this one thing, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know it’s like im being asked to choose her or my family at the same time.
Should we break up?
Sorry if the writing is bad my brains so messed up right now.
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You two seem to have different plans for what your future looks like. For you, it includes living with and caring for your parents – which is customary in many parts of the world. For her, she wants it to be just the two of you, likely because this is what is common in her culture.
Neither of you are wrong, just different from each other. If there is no reasonable compromise to be made, then you should accept that the two of you want different things and are, therefore, not compatible.
yeah it seemss your gf doesn’t value family as much as you do which means you are not compatible.
Yes, you should break up. You two are fundamentally incompatible.
Break up. You are going to have a tough time finding a woman willing to move in with you and your parents. Next time ask if she would be willing to do this on the first date, not a year later.
I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t move in with my partner if I had to live with his parents either. Why would I leave my own home to share a house with my in-laws? You have to pick, dude, you can’t have both. You have to move on with your life, because that is its natural course. If you don’t want to grow up and leave your past life, leaving parents behind and putting your spouse first, then don’t waste her time.
Yes you should break up. You value different things. It’s not that one of you is wrong and one is right, but she doesn’t see herself living in your family home, helping you care for your parents. I can’t say I blame her.
If she were to move in, would her parents also move in?
Yea if she truly loved you she would not want you to forsake your parents….and in this economy thats bonkers w the housing, must be nice to not have that as a concern.
ANYWHOOO
I understand both sides and i dont think either of u can or should compromise on that issue. Best wishes xxx
Unfortunately neither of you are wrong, but you both have different ideas of your future.
My guess is that she’s worried she will be second fiddle to your parents especially if she moves in. Once she moves in, maybe get married, she wants to feel like the most important person in your life.
This isn’t an area that either of you should compromise because it will lead to resentment down the line.
Edit:
Spelling
Hi, OP. Sorry you’re going through this. It definitely sounds like a major conflict between how two different cultures view adulthood and home ownership and what constitutes a happy, healthy family and home.
Compromise is great, but this is a major issue where you’re talking about the compromise on your end being “kicking your folks out” or “getting a whole new home.” These are pretty extreme options to be considered “compromises.”
And from her perspective, I’m American and in America, it would likely be a dealbreaker for many unmarried couples if one person was living with parents and didn’t want to give that up and wanted to have both couples in the same house. As a temporary measure, it’s usually fine. As a permanent situation, in America, it’s very unusual (although becoming more of a thing as the economy and housing market continue to implode).
I think this is a situation where you both sit down and establish what you would need in your futures to be happy and comfortable in the relationship. If your two envisioned futures are too far apart to bridge the gaps without sacrificing your happiness or hers, unfortunately, it may be time to end the relationship and find someone new. And with that someone new, be upfront at the start of the relationship about what you want and how you see your future (regarding your parents’ living situation), so that you and your future partner aren’t wasting time on a doomed relationship.
This is a situation where neither of you ate wrong for wanting what you want. I don’t see much room for compromise with the living situation. You can try some counseling as a last attempt to see if you both can come to compromise without resentment but this doesn’t look good.
This isn’t dissimilar to someone not wanting a partner who has young kids. Your parents are dependents and that’s just not going to be appealing for some people.
How do your parents feel about this? If there is a future where you get to be a part of a multigenerational home in 5 years from now?
It is normal to want to live alone with your partner for a period of time, and that may be good for everybody involved. Your parents may actually prefer that. I would speak to your parents about it.
However, if there isn’t a future where you will blend your two traditions, then you are fundamentally incompatible, and it’s OK to recognize that and move on.
You should definitely break up, the vision you have for your future with someone is very different from hers, and you can’t blame her for not wanting to move in. I’m also curious as to what “middle ground” you have suggested?
I wouldn’t mind that after like a decade of marriage, but no way am I conceiving children with you when your parents are down the hall. You should buy your parents a small home or something close by rather than you looking for another place especially if you want kids. Honestly it’s a hard sell currently, unless they’re in like a granny flat and not the actual main house?
It is what it is… Not life compatible.
You two have a different vision for how you want your lives to play out.
You want someone to join in your life, move into your family home with your parents… That’s fine and dandy. But tough to find.
She wants independence. A life built around her and her future, not moving out of her parents place just to move into the next parents.
You can find someone whose family orientated and willing to accept your lifestyle, but I can’t imagine it being easy.
I love my wife’s family… But I 100% would refuse to live with them. I paid my dues in life, I want my privacy. My own home. Spread my wings and living my life for me, not for others.
I have a friend whose been married for 8 years. At first, it was just the two of them living together. But the more family she brought over, the more people moved into their house… So now… They have no independence. The wife is not budging on the topic. He’s miserable in his marriage. Just started to talk to divorce lawyers because its not the life he wants.
Its a common dynamic that can ruin marriages.
What you’re seeking is fine. But you also have to be self-aware that a lot of people are unlikely going to want that type of life for themselves.
Both of you are saying the same thing… You’re saying she is my way or the highway, so are you. I am firm on living in my family home with my family.
Whereas maybe a middle ground would be to get your own places, but somewhere close to home so you have easy access to your parents, yet offering independence and privacy at the same time.
If you knew that you were always going to put your family first and never have a home with a GF then why have did you string this woman along all this time? Weren’t you upfront from the beginning?
Yes break up. She will never have the type of life she yearns for, with you. And realise that it will be difficult for you to find a partner who is looking for THIS exact situation… You may end up sacrificing your chance of a family.
You should break up. To be clear though, there is nothing wrong with her not wanting to live with your parents, there is no compromise here. You are going to have a hard time finding someone who will want to live with your parents. Honest question though. Are your parents difficult to get along with? Do they have problems with your girlfriends? How would they treat them if they lived in the house with you? The only way you should even consider a relationship with anyone is if you would be willing to put your parents out if they did not treat your spouse with kindness and respect.
You guys are just incompatible. Nothing wrong with that but it is time to go your separate ways
It really doesn’t sound as though you’re compatible.
You don’t even seem to respect, let alone share, her desire to make a home with you together rather than have you give her one and forever be a child in someone else’s house subject to their rules and habits. You’re parents Norma and habits are familiar to you and feel like home. For her she would always feel like an outsider. You say what’s yours is hers but aren’t open to what’s hers being yours. You’ve already committed that honour to your mother.
Multigeneration households can work but only if everyone is willing to give and take, and the was no mention of actually allowing your gf to have any say in anything.
Break up.
Two women under one roof is bad news. Who will decorate? Who decides what’s for dinner? Who will you side with when they have opposite views? These things may seem trivial to you but can cause arguments. She can see the potential problems that you cannot.
Most American women do not want to live with their in-laws, especially not in the first years of marriage. What you’re asking may be normal in your culture, but it’s not the norm here. If you can’t compromise on this, you should break up.
Yes, you should break up 100%. She’s in her 20s and doesn’t want to live with your parents and never will.
You couldn’t pay me to live with my inlaws. There’s not enough money in the world to make me live with my inlaws.
There is no compromise here. You are going to have a very hard time finding a woman who is willing to live with your parents.
You are not comparable that’s ok.
You two are incompatible. Can you find a woman who is culturally similar to you?
You’re not compatible. It’s that simple. She has a right to want to live without someone’s parents living there too. Not to mention, your parents moved in first which makes her the last one in and the lowest on the totem pole. I don’t blame her one bit for not wanting to live there. If would make me feel like a guest in your home. It also says you’ll prioritize your parents over her and so if there’s ever a household problem she will again be at the bottom.
You also have the right to want your parents taken care of and you don’t have to give that up. But you will have to give up your relationship. Am I correct in guessing that your gf is not of your same culture? Perhaps you need to find someone of the same or very similar cultural background so that they are more accepting of this lifestyle.
Not everyone is going to want that. A year is fast anyways. But it sounds like a whole home full of people that she would also exist in. Not HER home. You might just not be compatible. And if your family is from elsewhere, culturally you might be in a different place and with different goals. Both valid. But maybe not the fit for you or her.
No woman wants to live with her boyfriend’s parents. She deserves a partner who can give her privacy and intimacy in her home.
You will never be able to provide that to this partner or any future partner as long as you keep your parents in your home.
You’re not compatible, it’s that easy.
I wonder if she didn’t mind the idea of you being there for your parents (it’s a good thing to do, and imo indicates a partner that won’t just cut and run when things get inconvenient, which is a big concern for a lot of women esp) but now that you’re reaching milestones in your relationship, she’s seeing the way it won’t look like typical western romance.
That can be tough when you’re raised on a certain idea of what romance is and it’s something you look forward to your whole life. And fwiw, I love the house I’m in now with my husband, but when I moved into his house, it was very much me moving into his home. Everything felt like it already had its place, so me and my things didn’t feel like they fit in right. I’d spent more and more time there, living out of a weekend bag, which didn’t help. I think there are ways you can help her feel excited and romanced about moving in, but if she’s not open to any kind of compromise, then… idk what she expects. You’re obviously not going to kick out your parents.
I’d spend some time trying to address the root of the feelings, try to make it feel special and romantic and exciting, but if she really won’t engage, then there’s not really anything else you can do. It sucks because you were very straightforward with her, but some people don’t know themselves well enough to know what they can or can’t deal with.
Either way, best of luck. It’s not an uncommon thing in many parts of the world to have multigenerational homes, and the US is going more and more that direction now that people can’t afford a place on their own. So I think you’ll be able to find someone that will be okay with this
OP, there is an old saying” “No house is big enough for two women.”
Your gf wants to be the Queen Bee in the house she lives in; there isn’t room for two Queen Bees. So yes you need to break up, but I suspect that you are going to have a problem finding any woman that wants to live with her inlaws.
You simply aren’t compatible.
Most people do not want to go from being a child in their family to being a master of their own household to being a child in someone else’s.
Be like living with your boss at home. No relief, no relaxation, and constant conflict for control.
This will work if your parents understand that they are the dependents. With opinions but not final say. And sometimes, no opinion as they would be permanent guests but not owners.
But that’s as awful to them as it is to expect her to move into a household where she isn’t the first and final say.
No one is at fault here. Just is what it is.
Good luck, but it would be best to end things now. She knows who she is now with respect to this situation. You know who you are. You’re not the same.
I honestly can’t say I blame her. No way in hell would I move in with my boyfriend and his parents, especially with a language barrier. It’s nice that you want to take care of them but I think you’re gonna struggle to find a woman that’s okay with that situation, with all of your relationship milestones having your parents tagging along.
Yearly holidays? Nope my parents can’t fly.
Romantic night in, just the two of us? Never again.
Having friends over for late night drinks/games? You’ll wake my parents!
I cannot imagine having a life with my in-laws constantly hanging around it sounds absolutely awful. She probably wants independence, instead she’s having to have her life revolving around your parents? Having no choice in where she lives or the type of house because it has to be suitable for your parents.
If you want this to be your life then that’s fine but you can’t expect anyone else to be on board with this, especially at this age. Dealing with in laws is something most people deal with in their 50s, not at the start of a relationship.
My husband had bought a house with his parents when we first started dating. They were snow birds and only lived with us part-time. They were gone when I moved in and returned about a month later.
He and I shared a strong familial bond. I had lost my parents at a young age and his parents were welcoming and accepting. My MIL became one of my dearest friends.
We’ve been married for over 40 years now. It is possible to have the relationship you want. You don’t have to settle for almost. If that multi generational family home is what you want for your future, you can’t force it with the wrong partner.
If you aren’t willing to drop that idea because you can’t live without her, you do not love her deeply enough. If she wants her own house more than a life with you and your parents, she’s not really into you. Unfortunately, it’s one or the other.
Not all relationships go the distance
I read the subject line as “26 Million dollar” home –
What if you move into her place instead?
This would not be a good situation for her. Try to find someone more in tune with your culture, perhaps?
Honestly: if it were me (the gf) I’d dip. Moving into a house with my BF AND his whole family sounds horrible. Hell my husband invited his mother to stay with us and only kinda told/asked me after they figured out a date that worked for her. Happens to be over Halloween and our 13 year aniversary. And I’m literally gonna drive an hour away and trick or treat with my parents rather than sit and watch bones reruns and listen to her talk about how great her other son is (finally) doing.
You need to break up since it is apparent the multigenerational living is NOT what your gf wants and that is a deal breaker since for you it is a must. Find someone who embraces living with inlaws. I am sure they exist somewhere.
Yes you should break up. In the future, you are better off dating someone whose culture includes living with their elders or having a family home. It doesn’t have to be your culture, but many cultures do the same.
However, I will caution you that even in those countries, it is becoming more common for married couples to live on their own and not in a communal home.
What you are doing is laudable and it isn’t for most people. Most people would prefer to live as a nuclear family unit without parents or in laws.
You are choosing to prioritize your parents over an adult relationship/marriage.
She feels that -and likely every day of your relationship she has had to deal with it hindering your every day life and the normal experience of having a relationship.
YOU are making a choice to spend your youth caring for your parents and I’m sorry- but the fact they don’t have friends or a social circle is THEIR fault not yours and not something you have to make up for.
Everything you are describing is very codependent. It’s one thing to want to take care of your parents . It’s another to say that you HAVE to live with them , be their entire world, forfeit normal adult experiences and then expect someone else to do so as well.
If you care about her – accept that she does NOT want what you want and on her end ALL she would be doing is sacrificing her youth for your elderly parents last years. That is not fair.
Let her go. She deserves the life she wants .
Your parents could be I’ve for another 20 years. That’s a lot to ask of anyone.
That means they will be heavily involved in every aspect of your relationship including kids, raising kids etc
If you’re open to buying something else, why not
But I’m with your GF on this one. Don’t hold feelings against her for going back on it as she had time to think things over and not have hesitations about you.
Break up. Her desires are reasonable and so are yours. They are simply incompatible.
Please tell me this is a joke!
You have a serious incompatibility, and there really isn’t a middle ground on living with a partner’s parents. You can break up, or you can be a couple that lives separately, but moving her in with your parents has to be off the table.
Sony half arsed the vita. It had good potential if they weren’t greedy with proprietary memory and charging and other restrictions that weren’t on original psp
I personally wouldn’t stay in this relationship. I’d feel empty being surrounded by completely new things with no connection to my past and family. She’s being serious about the type of life she wants to live and it’s not sharing yours.
I would move into a $26M home in a heartbeat!
What about selling this home and buying a multi family home? I’m not sure if that’s a thing where you are. Around me there was are houses like this. It would allow you and her to have your own separate space that you can shop for, furnish, decorate, raise potential children, and host in, but your parents would be next door for you to check in on and visit with. They’d have a separate entrance to their own unit and everything.
That’s the closest thing to a compromise I can think of.
Neither of you are wrong here. She will be miserable if she just moves into your house with your parents. Those of us who were not raised to live with our in-laws find it really, really difficult. I lived next door to my MIL (she had one side of a duplex, we had the other, shared walls/same backyard, etc), and it was horrible. I couldn’t do anything in my own home without her interference or involvement. It was stifling, and I endured it for 10 years before buying my own house – I had no idea how oppressed I felt until we moved out of the duplex. My relationship with my partner is worse off for having done it, and honestly, the MIL ruined a lot of good memories with my son. I barely speak to or see her anymore.
So – it’s fine if you want to follow your cultural traditions to live with your extended family. It’s also fine if she doesn’t want that. It’s not something she should compromise on, to be honest. If she does she’s giving up huge parts of herself, her dreams, and her plans to prioritize your family over starting her own. You might see it differently, but that’s how she sees it, and like I said, neither of you are wrong. You are incompatible in this way.
I’d strongly consider how you want to move forward. Your living arrangements are going to limit your marriage options in a big way. That might not be a bad thing for you, but just be aware … most independent women from European/US/North American cultures are not going to be happy moving right into a house with your parents.
The other thing she’s worried about is that you on this home and she won’t be getting any equity out of it as it gains in price. She may not get to be the one who gets to decide how to decorate this place.. She also doesn’t want to be the one to have to take care of your parents. Because most likely your culture is that children take care of their parents, but the daughter-in-law is the one who gets to do the daily work and she’s not interested in that.
You’re trying to figure out how you can fit her into your life, but how are you trying to fit in her life?
It’s not about the chair.
She knows she’s in for all the emotional, mental, and physical labor.
You’re an adult and have to understand that when you have a gf or in your case a potential wife because you want to live together that life is separate from the family you were born into, you can not treat them the same and your new partnership life you’ve created should be primary . I’m not saying your parents and siblings are no longer important but they should not be primary on your list before your new family you have created. Many people take care of their parents by checking in on them calling them bring them to appointments help them with tasks at home without living with them. My parents are in the 80’s my MIL was widowed at 60 now in her 80’s they live independently we help them as needed. You do not need to live with your parents your gf is smart. Break up because you’re dead set on living in that house and having no independant life with a partner.
How is everything beautiful if it’s all her way and your feelings don’t matter?
Your GF honestly sounds wise for not wanting to move in. I’d break up or accept that you two will be living separately.
67 really isn’t that old. The parents can live close by. They should still be able to take care of themselves. In the meantime get them to exercise and eat healthy. This idea of just sitting around and doing nothing once you get over 60 is outdated, unhealthy, and wrong.
I mean I wouldn’t wanna live with my partners parents either, especially if we’re not even married
Both of you have a well adjusted and personal opinion on the things you want
It’s totally ok to find out that the things you want don’t align.
Family is important and it sounds important to you to be close and support them
It’s also not wrong for her to want fresh steps on the path of life
You’re both being mature about the situation, so if splitting ends up being the route you both take, I hope it’s constructive and you can at least stay friends or at least friendly
Not every break up has to stink of life’s evils, sometimes it can be positive growth
You’re not just asking your girlfriend to move in with your family. You’re asking her to move to a household where she cannot communicate with half of the inhabitants. When you talk with your parents, do you translate for your girlfriend? Does/will your mom expect help from GF even though she has no connection or communication with her? Will you expect GF to do some/all of your parents’ care as they age? Who cooks? What style? Will your parents criticize her cooking because it isn’t what they want? Who gets the master bedroom? Your parents don’t speak any English-is there a group/church/whatever with social activities that you can ease them into so you are not their entire support? Compromise means both sides, including your parents who are going to have to share you. It’s difficult for a multigenerational household under the best of circumstances, but with the language barrier and the fact that you obviously put your parents first (which is NOT a Western philosophy once married) I do not foresee a future for the two of you.
You guys have some fundamental differences that can’t be compromised on. It’s time to let this one go.
Also, in a normal relationship, people both compromise. It doesn’t sound like you have a normal relationship.
Why can’t you find a place to live that’s close to your parents so you can easily visit them regularly rather than asking your girlfriend to move in with them? When you think about it, she doesn’t know your parents well, and before she even gets a chance to live with you, you expect her to also move in with your entire family. That’s a very big request to make of someone who’s already established with her own place. If you love this woman, be reasonable. Find a place close to your family where you and your partner can have privacy and independence.
It sounds like you and your gf were raised in different cultures and therefore have different expectations for your marriage.
I can certainly understand your position. My son has made it clear all along that when the time comes he and his wife will take me in. I feeling deeply blessed by this. On the other hand when I was married to my son’s father, and he brought up the idea (after we were married) of one day needing to take in one or the other of his parents, I did not like that idea. As it turned I wasn’t his wife when it came time to take in his mother (who could be more that difficult). It nearly ruined his marriage.
I don’t know why your gf apparently has changed her mind, but it is likely that she knows the situation better now and it isn’t something she feels she cannot handle. There is only one answer to this, unfortunately and there is not reason to prolong it. I am surprised that she hasn’t already broken things off as she has to know your parents are a package deal for you.
So sorry but there are likely other women who might not be as apposed to this kind of arrangement. Talk about it from day one and if it becomes an issue at any point, end the relationship.
Blessings.