We have been married for 4 years and with time he built up a lot of stress, most probably from being unhappy at work. He usually gets upset out of nowhere mostly because of misunderstandings/miscommunication but always shuts down and gives me the “it’s fine/i’m fine” treatment. There’s no way to make him talk about what upsets him, if I push, he shuts down more. Usually I just have to wait it out and he acts like nothing happened, but in the meantime I spiral with anxiety that he doesn’t love me anymore or that he will leave me. Also when he’s upset he can say some pretty hurtful things and is very passive aggressive. How to deal with this? I love him so much and I hate to be in this bad mood.
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was he always like this since you guys dated? recently broke up w my long term boyfriend bc he shares the same issues as your husband.
my ex didnt like to verbalise his thoughts and feelings, and whenever something annoyed him he will bottle it up and give me the silent treatment.
seems like they belong to the avoidant group, nothing we can do if this type of response is alr ingrained in them.
This isn’t okay! My husband did this a bit too our first few years dating, it made me afraid of conflict and feel high conflict! Here’s a few things that worked for me; we’re a bit older and YMMV!
therapy for yourself! Your insecurities about being left need to be addressed. This fear could be preventing you from properly handling what’s going on!
your feelings matter. If his actions and behaviors are causing you hurt, you deserve to bring those forward! Always remember: you can’t make things better by staying silent.
always approach us vs. the problem. Not “your behavior hurt me” – “we have this situation that we need to figure out and I’d love if we could talk about it”
when you do talk about how you were hurt, explain what you expected or want different next time: “I understand when I’m upset, it can be hard to talk about it with me. I want to be able to talk openly so we can move on. I know it feels personal, but I hope that we can address things quicker so it doesn’t become personal”
again- this isn’t okay. I have to approach my husband with strategic sensitivity now which isn’t ideal either, but that’s the reality. He’s in therapy now, too, and that’s helped tremendously!
Set your standard and stick to it. Trust your gut on what you expect for how you’re treated. Do not waiver! If you waiver in how you expect to be treated, he won’t consistently treat you how you expect.