Throwaway account because he uses Reddit a lot and I don’t need this tied to me in any way. Last night, my fiancé shared to me that he’s had feelings for his best friend (25f) since the day they met. She sees him as a brother and is also one of my best friends. She’s in a committed relationship and has no feelings of affection towards him whatsoever; like I said, he’s essentially her older protective brother. Last night on our way home from meeting them for dinner, he started crying in the car so I pulled over so we could talk. He explained that he has loved her since they met and he knows they wouldn’t be a good fit (even I can see that, they just wouldn’t be compatible) but he can’t get her out of his head. He can’t avoid her entirely as they work together and he’s never wanted to act on his feelings. Before he met me, he asked her for a drink and when she made a joke about it being a date, he backtracked and said that it would be just as friends.
I already emailed my therapist asking for an emergency session as I originally said I didn’t love him any less and we’d figure it out. He brought up wanting to get back into therapy for it, and the fact that he dreams about her but is insistent that he doesn’t want these feelings. We just closed on our house and plan on getting married next year. I have no ill will towards our best friend as she has no idea and it isn’t her fault, but after sitting on it for a day, I’m not sure how to feel. I believe him when he says he loves me and wants to spend forever with me, but I can’t stop thinking about how he thinks about her. I understand intrusive thoughts and how awful they can be, but I’m genuinely at a loss at what I can do to help him or even help myself find security in our relationship again. I love him dearly and want this to work, but I can’t help but feel like I would’ve been better off not knowing. Has anyone else experienced a partner who was unintentionally in love with someone else?
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Okay, well in order for this to work he’s gonna have to cut ties with her completely. Sorry that he works with her…. He needs to find a different job then. There is no way you will ever feel neutral about them seeing each other after this confession. The only reason he continues to have feelings in the first place is because he keeps feeding the crush by staying in contact.
Yeah, he’s going to have to cut contact with her if he wants any chance of repairing the relationship with you. Doubts are going to fill your mind as long as she is in his life. If he can’t make that effort to finding new employment and cutting contact, I would say the relationship has run its course.
I would ask him a question. If she suddenly confessed she loves him too, would he choose you over her? I would decide whether to give it a chance based on the response.
You should probably marry someone who does not love someone else.
Do you really want to be with someone who is inlove with someone else? It’s easier to separate now then after you’re married.
I only say this because even if he cuts her off he might still keep thinking about her and seeing her. You can’t force him to change his feelings. It doesn’t seem like your relationship will work if he wants to be with someone else.
The only reason he says that he doesn’t want those feelings is because it’s an unrequited love. If she wanted him now he would cheat on you in a second.
Props to him if he doesn’t act on his feelings. But it’s still a major problem. I would hold off on any long term commitments (like marriage) until you two resolve this.
I’ve never been in romantic love with more than 1 person at a time. I have difficulty grasping a situation where you romantically have feelings for 2 people. it would make me very uncomfortable knowing my partner not only is able to, but also has feelings, for his best friend.
you should tell him to distance himself from her or preferably stop talking to her all together if you want to make it work she didn’t do anything wrong yeah but if she’s still in his life you will always have thoughts that will drain you whenever he mentions her or talk to her.
Yep, you would have been much better never knowing this and he would have been much better in keeping his mouth shut if he has no intentions. However, now that it’s been said, it is obvious his feelings are very strong and there are intentions no matter if he tells you otherwise. If there was seriously no intentions for anything to ever happened, then he would not have said anything to you, repeat he would never have said anything to you. I don’t blame you that you can’t get it out of your head and it does affect your relationship. The only thing you can do is you tell him that he has no more contact with this woman. Yes they may work together but only at the workplace that they can see each other but they don’t speak to each other other than anything office or business related. You make it very clear. What I don’t understand about your generation is allowing your partner to have or be called a best friend to someone of the opposite sex. Your best friend should be your partner not someone else, that is where the fault lies.
To get over someone you are obsessed with/have a severe limerance for requires you to cut them off. Sorry. He needs to figure out the work thing.
Delay the wedding bare minimum but this needs to be resolved before the wedding and before you have an oops baby. Don’t settle for being settled for.
Wouldn’t it be your best move to stay in a relationship with a man who loves another woman like that, because it basically means that he does NOT love you…
And no therapy, psychiatrist, psychologist will make me stop loving her, feelings don’t work like that, don’t you know?
He needs therapy and to find another job. He’ll never get over his feelings for her as long as she’s in his life. Personally I couldn’t stay with someone who has feelings for someone else. I’d always feel like a placeholder.
You are not the one for him. Period. If he has any capacity to have feelings like that for another person then he does not see you as his one and only for the rest of his life. You know deep down that if that girl were to confess that she loved him too, that he would choose her over you. He think that she is a better fit for him and that’s why he cant stop thinking about her. If he felt that way about you then the idea of another person wouldn’t have any space in his mind. Save yourself baby. Dont buy a house with or marry this man!!!
OP, think about the timing of this. He waited until after the two of you had closed on the house, i.e. after it would become difficult for you to extricate yourself from the relationship. Just think about that for a bit. Then go to your realtor and ask how you can get out of it. You don’t want any part of this relationship.
If there is any chance for your relationship to work you will both need to stop contact with her. He needs a new job and a therapist. If he’s not willing to cut contact, get a new job, and go to therapy then I wouldn’t want to stay in that relationship. You will also need to cut contact with her, there is no way you can still feel nice or even neutral toward her knowing he has feelings toward her. Do not put any money or time toward a wedding, give this serious time before you move forward.
Break up. Why do want to be with someone who wants to be with someone else? End it. You deserve better than being the leftovers he’s willing to have. His second choice.
Is it limerance? Get to couples counseling. But first he needs to stop contact, which means a new job and until then reassignment where he has no contact until he finds a new job.
You need to ask her to dinner and tell her. The easiest way to squash his feelings is to tell her and have her distance herself from him for your relationship and hers. Ideally she needs to contact him and tell him she has zero interest and never will even if they were both single. He can do therapy and you cs. Do therapy but you can’t get married until this is 100% resolved even if he has to change jobs and you all have to go separate ways.
He’s in love with someone else. Don’t be the plan B, the back-up, the understudy in your own life.
Why are you marrying him. He loves someone else and I hate to say this settling for you. If she said to him tomorrow I want you you’d be dropped. Its not healthy and its not fair on you
Of course because therapy is a magic stick that will magically make him not be in love with another woman.
You’re planning to still marry and buy a house with a man who literally cried and confessed that he’s in love with another woman?
What is wrong with you?
I’d have to have a conversation with her about her feelings towards him. Does she even know he has these feelings for her? Would she ever date him if she were free?