My sister (50) has always been quite negative about her life, constantly saying she wants to move cities, travel, make changes, etc. but she never actually does anything. There’s always an excuse. This has been the case for years, not just recently. She’s barely ever left our home town. She doesn’t have a partner or family of her own and has isolated herself from lots of her friends.
Since our mum died 7 months ago, she’s become incredibly dependent on me. She has only seen friends once or twice in that time. I feel like I’m her therapist, partner, and emotional crutch all rolled into one.
She messages constantly, and if I don’t reply quickly enough, she spirals. The other night she texted me a link to a song and within 20 minutes she’d sent two more messages saying she was “getting really worried” because she hadn’t heard back. I gently said it had only been 20 minutes, but she was clearly anxious and it’s like that all the time.
Almost every evening after work she asks me to hang out and if I say I have other plans or need some downtime, she gets cold and passive-aggressive. Her replies turn from lovey dovey to blunt. Then to keep the peace I end up meeting her cos I feel like I’m letting her down. I honestly wouldn’t even want to see a partner this much, let alone a sibling.
She also has these big emotional swings where sometimes she’s overly warm and affectionate, and other times she’s grumpy, swearing, irritable. She’ll complain she’s not seen anyone all week (even though there is literally nothing stopping her). She never apologises. I feel like I have to constantly tiptoe around her moods and be the emotionally stable one, even when I’m struggling myself.
I feel stressed every time she messages me. I dread seeing her name pop up on my phone. This dynamic is seriously messing with my nervous system. I just want to be able to go out, see friends, go to work without feeling like I’ve let someone down.
I know she’s struggling and grieving too. But I’m exhausted. I don’t want to abandon her, but I also can’t keep living like this.
How do I start putting in boundaries without feeling like the worst person alive?
TL;DR My sister has always been stuck and negative about life but has become extremely emotionally dependent on me since our mum died 7 months ago. She constantly texts, spirals if I don’t reply within 20–30 minutes, and gets passive-aggressive if I make plans without her. I feel like her therapist/punching bag and am completely burnt out. How do I set boundaries without being consumed by guilt?
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You just stop engaging. You set a schedule in your mind of how often you’re willing to talk to and see your sister and you stick to it. You find a therapist and work through your extreme people pleasing tendencies.
To begin with, you have to accept that she is putting responsibility for her moods on you. That’s not where they belong. You are not a therapist. You are her sister. You want her to be happy, but you cannot make her happy — and she is making you very unhappy.
If she’s cold and passive-aggressive? She is trying to punish you. The question is whether you accept the punishment. You do right now, but you don’t have to.
> I feel like I’m her therapist, partner, and emotional crutch all rolled into one.
Being her sister doesn’t mean that you have to take responsibility for her emotions.
To get out of this spiral, you have to start saying No. And when you say No, she will melt down, because melting down has worked for her so far. You have to be prepared that she will be cold and distant, that she will alternate between ignoring you and texting you every five minutes, that she will do everything in her power to get you back to being her punching bag and support person. She knows her tools, and she will use all of them.
It is okay to feel sad when she treats you badly. She wants you to feel sad. That sadness shouldn’t stop you from realizing that you’re doing the right thing.
To begin with, tell her what you’re going to do. “Sister, I need time to myself. From now on, let’s have dinner together once a week, and no more. “
Sister melts down. Here’s where it gets hard. You do not apologize. You do not explain. Explaining lets her have more of a meltdown, and also gives her opportunities to argue with you.
“I’m sorry you are sad, but I need time to myself.” “You can’t argue me out of needing private time.” You’re going to have to repeat that while she gets more and more and more manipulative. It’s terrifying to think of. But it needs to be done.
As far as text — tell her that you only check your texts every two hours. “If you send me a text, I won’t see it for awhile.” Then do that!