First time mom [27F]. My son is 2 (26 months) and I’m at a breaking point. He’s completely obsessed with me in a way that feels beyond typical toddler attachment. I work from home, and we do have a nanny who’s been with us 6 months. My husband works long hours, so the idea was that the nanny would help share the load. But it hasn’t worked out that way. At all.
If I leave the room, he screams. If I try to shower, he sits outside the door wailing. If I close the bathroom door, he loses it. He won’t eat unless I feed him. He won’t nap unless I lie with him. He wakes up at night calling for me and won’t settle unless I’m the one who comes. The nanny will have his food ready and he’ll shove it away until I sit down beside him and spoon feed him like he’s a baby again.
He refuses to play with her if I’m around. He throws tantrums if she picks him up. If she tries to comfort him while I’m in the house, he shouts “No! Mommy do it!” Sometimes he throws toys at her. I end up doing more than the nanny, while also working full time, and I feel like I’m failing at both. I have to physically be out the house but our nanny is struggling to forcing me to be there.
I tried redirecting. I tried giving him my full attention for shorter bursts and then explaining I have to go now and giving him moments with just my husband. But it’s never enough.
He won’t even go outside with the nanny. He won’t let her take him to the park. He won’t even walk unless I’m holding his hand and not just outside, but room to room sometimes. He insists on sitting on my lap while I eat or else he is crying the entire time. If I hand him to my husband, he melts down and reaches for me. If I try to leave the house without him, the nanny sends messages saying he’s inconsolable until I return.
He even started reaching for my chest again like he wants to breastfeed, even though we weaned months ago.
And it’s so hard to say all this without sounding ungrateful. I love him but I’m completely overwhelmed. I’m touched out, burned out. My husband tries but he won’t allow his dad to do bath time, do tooth brushing or the bedtime routine, it’s just mommy do it or else he cries and gets very distressed. I tried stepping out of the room for bedtime and he cried for 45 minutes.
It’s getting harder to get any work done. I feel like I can’t breathe some days. I’m starting to resent how much everything falls on me, even when we literally pay someone to help. It’s the reason he isn’t in daycare they essentially said they didn’t want him there.
I’m ashamed to even say this but my husband and I are sleeping in separate beds because of this, because he won’t sleep if he isn’t next to me. I’m not saying this lightly but he can stay up past midnight unless I just bring him to my bed.
How do I gently help him feel secure enough to not need me every second of the day? I’m struggling so much and my husband secretly resents me and almost blames me for our son’s behavior.
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I’d start by speaking to his pediatrician. But it’s hard to understand how a toddler is the boss of three adults.
let him cry and be distressed. don’t indulge what he wants. put in earplugs and have your husband and nanny do all the things until he deals with it. He’s not supposed to be training you through his behavior, you’re supposed to be training his behavior by not accepting stuff like this.
I do understand as I had something similar with one of my children, but you are the adult. It is your job as the parent to guide him and at the moment he is ruling the roost over three adult adults.
He will cry and throw things because you have allowed him to get to this stage . I don’t mean to sound judgemental and I understand that being a parent is the most difficult job in the world and there are no handbook that can help you because every situation is unique.
But you use the word gentle, and perhaps this is the problem. You can be loving and firm. But children need boundaries to feel safe and his behaviour is indicative of a child who does not feel safe.
I advise you seek a therapist who specialises in small children and assisting parents in parenting .
This is not going to be easy for you, but if you leave it, it’s going to be a lot harder .
Have you tried posting this to a parenting subreddit? I think you might get more advice there.
I know it will be insanely hard to do, but don’t give him any attention when he cries. Leave the house and the child with your husband and or nanny. Don’t come back until
He stops crying.
Only give him attention when he’s being independent or working with the nanny or your husband.
It’s probably really unfair to them to have to listen to him cry, but I don’t know how you’re going to be able to reward him until he wears himself out or figures out you only show up when he’s working well with them.
Maybe buy your nanny some noise cancelling headphones and have a good video monitor so she can keep an eye on him and go to him every once in a while to try to soothe him or distract him.
I don’t know where you can spend your day, but I would take your laptop and phone and work from your vehicle if you have to. Ask a friend if you can hang out at their house for a week or so while you give him time to attach to and trust the nanny and your husband.
I think maybe a child therapist could help tbh
Try and ask your pediatritian
Children will often escalate behaviours to get the result they want. By giving into him, you are conditioning him to continue doing so and to ‘up the ante’ when you show signs of pushing back.
No one wants to see their child in distress. However, if you persevere, he will learn that his tactics hold no power over the adults in his life. All of you need to be resolute else he’ll know who to turn to to apply these unwanted behaviours.
It’s hard going and he knows it. He’s counting on wearing you down.
You’re a good mum, trying her best. We know that. You’ll still be one by staying the course.
See the paediatrician. Before you need to see a marriage counsellor.
It isn’t mean or abusive or anything wrong or bad to let him have his meltdown and cry it out and then realize on his own that he is okay and force him to start self soothing.
Leave the house for half an hour, come back, let him cry it out. Repeat the next day with 40 minutes, 50 minutes etc.
As long as you’re at home, you’re available. Make yourself unavailable.
Can you work anywhere else? Or perhaps they can leave the house while your work?
Honestly, my toddler is the same way. It’s a phase a lot of toddlers go through. Sending him to daycare was HUGE for his independence. Not being able to see me was really beneficial in helping him become more independent, and I couldn’t get emotionally frazzled listening to him scream for me. I know EXACTLY how difficult it is to ignore that motherly instinct, so I really empathize with your dilemma. You’re going to get a lot of judgmental advice from people who don’t have kids in this sub. They don’t understand how difficult it can be to do these things. You’re learning too. We don’t get a manual that tells us how to raise our kids. We just have these powerful emotions to go by, and those emotions tell you to step in whenever your baby cries. It’s easy to stand on the sidelines and say “just do this!” Reality isn’t so black and white.
Transitions are really really hard for toddlers, and it’s heartbreaking to watch the fallout while trying to foster independence, but it’s a learned skill. He just needs to learn to be away from you. My husband and I got divorced 2 years ago and sadly this was also really helpful in helping my son create healthy relationships with people other than myself as well. Was it heartbreaking watching him meltdown during drop offs with his dad? Hell yes. But he’s 4 now and looks forward to seeing his dad most weekends. I’m still his favorite person. He still has minor separation anxiety. He’s still up in my business every second we’re together, but it’s leagues better than it was just a year ago. It just takes persistence and practice.
It wouldn’t hurt to take him to a doctor and get him evaluated. There’s occupational therapy for kids who struggle with separation anxiety. Most daycares allow for the therapist to come to the daycare to work with your child. If my kid hadn’t shown improvement after a few weeks in daycare, I was going to go that route, but his behavior changed almost immediately after starting. My advice is to find a good Montessori school (tons of daycares say they are, but they aren’t, so be sure to vet them thoroughly) that encourages independence and you’ll be amazed how your son blossoms. Interacting with kids his age was probably the biggest factor in helping my son become more independent.
Mom of 5 and nanny here.
Leave. Go. Vamos.
You’re doing this to yourself. In 30 years I’ve never seen a kid who could not adapt to their parent being gone. You are perpetuating this cycle and if I was your nanny I would’ve left a long time ago. You’re catering to a 2 year olds whims because you don’t want to be uncomfortable and you’ve created a monster.
Sound like it’s time to look into a temporary space to work from. It’s clear your child has control of the situation, but given time he gets you aren’t there and adjusts. I would recommend a few weeks of working from a 2nd location or have the nanny take him out first thing before your shift and lock the door to your office. Also socializing him outside of the home. That’s what she did with her kids, one of partially deaf and the other ADHD/autistic. Once mom became only a part of his social group, and mom “left” for work, things calmed down.
Edit: also I don’t think your nanny is very good.
There was a similar situation in my sisters family and they went to a specialized child therapist. In fact they still go and it’s about 3.5 years in. They gave the parents techniques to deal with the behavioral issues and also gave the child ways to express her emotions in healthier ways. It’s been a godsend for them, and have made the parents realize there were certain parental dynamics at play that were also contributing to the situation. From the sound of your post, you are at the point of needing professional help. Both for your child and both parents. As well you may need to seek out a specialized nanny as this person you hired also isn’t properly trained to handle what’s going on. I would do it as soon as possible bc the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to get to a place of managing it better
Sounds like you cave in to his demands. He can hear ‘No’ and won’t first into flames. Crying won’t scar him, but catering to his every whim most certainly will.
How long did you try daycare for? I’d suggest the nanny either taking him out of the home or you leaving at set times every day for routine. He will adapt.
Does he play with other kids? At two years he should be interested in interacting with other kids and play simple games. Are there any playgroups in the area?
It might be easier to leave him with the nanny if you can say “mommy is going to work and you and nanny are going to playgroup!”
You have a Terrible Two year ruling your marriage and home. Determine how to parent him now! “Your Two-Year-Old: Terrible or Tender” By Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg is one in a series for parenting. They offer worldwide, sound, solid, reasonable advice that works for all personality types. Your sweet little baby boy is throwing temper tantrums, throwing things at people, refusing to cooperate, refusing to share your time, being demanding and sounds like a monster no one wants to be around. Learn about your child now because he will be the same way at 16, throwing objects and food, not cooperating, being demanding, yelling and screaming, only with a car and the ability to go to jail. Make rules and stick your them. So he screams, let him! Let him scream until he finally goes to sleep. When you give in it only teaches him screaming will get him what he wants. He refuses to eat, fine, let the little bugger go hungry. Read the short parenting book and learn how to positively motivate your son and how to strongly direct him. Your job as a parent is to raise a fully functioning, responsible, and emotionally healthy adult so he can have a pleasant life.
So he cries and throws things.. SO WHAT??? He’s learned that if he holds out long enough you will just eventually give in and he’ll always get what he wants. YOU ALLOW THIS. Let him cry. Let him be “inconsolable” for HOWEVER long it takes for him to wear himself out and stop. He won’t eat unless you feed him? He will when he gets hungry enough and you still refuse. Walk away. You have created this problem by ENABLING this. You need to take a weekend (at least) to yourself, book a vacation at least a few hours away and only pick up the phone for a legitimate emergency, your husband and nanny with step up to do their jobs and your kid will finally have to learn to process not getting everything they want immediately and can GROW.