My girlfriend, Katie, and I have been together for about three months, and she is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. She’s very affectionate, looks for reassurance often, and loves spending most of her time with me. I care about her a lot, but lately it has started to feel overwhelming because I don’t have much room to breathe or focus on my own life.
Part of what makes this hard is her background. She has tried therapy before but didn’t find it very helpful and wasn’t a big fan of it. Her mom hasn’t been in the picture for years because of drugs, and past friends treated her badly or abandoned her. Because of that I’ve become her only real support system outside of her dad. I think some of this is why she gets anxious when I am not around. She often texts me when I’m out. And I don’t think, at least, in a controlling way, but more because she feels nervous, and I can tell she doesn’t really have other outlets. One time when I was out with my sister and a couple of her friends, Katie seemed insecure about the situation, and I found myself checking in often to keep things calm.
I love her and I want to be as gentle as possible, but I also need some space and independence. I am worried that if I bring this up she will feel abandoned. Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do you bring it up in a caring way without making your partner feel unloved?
TL;DR: I love my girlfriend, but she depends on me for nearly all of her emotional support. She gets anxious when I’m not around, and I need more space. How do I bring this up without making her feel abandoned?
Comments
A lot of times people show controlling behavior because they’re anxious and insecure, not intentionally malicious. But that…doesn’t actually excuse the behavior.
Your girlfriend of 3 months should not be so dependent upon you. That’s a huge red flag. A three month relationship is nothing yet, really. It should not be difficult or fraught with tension or drama.
Realistically, you should leave, because she’s likely going to get worse. This is actually her best behavior, this early on. Since you probably won’t listen (or people rarely do here when told), you have to at least stop enabling her.
If you’re going out with people, and she knows, stop doing all these reassurance behaviors. It isn’t helping her, it is only hurting you. And when you do those reassurance tactics and they won’t work for her, it’s empowering her to ask more each time. Pretty soon you’re Facetiming to prove you’re not cheating and it’s reached emotional abuse territory.