Me (27M) and my girlfriend (28F) have been together for almost 3 and a half years and I love her with all my heart. A couple weeks ago we heard that her ex boyfriend she had in college unfortunately died.
I’m not sure what I was expecting her reaction to be when she heard it but she broke down crying and in a very emotional state. I tried to help as much as I could but it was hard for me to be there for her while she is grieving her ex that she hasn’t spoken to or seen in 5 years.
I understand grief is a different thing for everyone and I don’t want to invalidate how she feels. It’s just hard for me to be there for her when it’s about someone she hadn’t talked to in a long time.
Maybe I’m just too immature to push past those feelings, but it sort of makes me feel inferior in a way. Like she is still missing him etc, How do I navigate this and make her feel okay?
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We keep those people we have loved in our hearts. It’s painful to hear that something bad happens to them, even more so that they passed away. It is healthy to move on from your ex, and not stay in contact. Hats off to her. I had not been in contact with my ex fiance for 16 years and I was very sad to know that he is stuck in an abusive mariage. I haven’t talked to my ex husband for 6 years and I still pray for him. She still quietly kept him in her heart. I hope you can continue being there for her. It’s lovely that she has you.
1 you can do is just live YOUR life. You cant fix, change, or bend her emotions, and she’s not asking you too. Does it SUCK being around her like that? Absolutely! But take this from an older guy and 13 yrs of marriage… YOU can not navigate it. This isn’t a criticism of you, its acknowledging that her grief is born from lack of understanding, so you don’t have a chance of understanding. Let her grief, focus on you. Either she’ll come back around or she won’t, unfortunately you can’t do anything but wait until maybe she returns to normal.
TL;DR – Do not do ANYTHING!
Given you’re pretty young, I imagine you haven’t experienced much loss yet. You don’t have to be in regular communication with someone to be sad when they die. And being sad doesn’t mean that she was pining after him or missing him.
I think it’s shocking to hear that someone you once loved, once had such hopes to spend your life with maybe, is no longer on this earth. My ex died, but we were still very close, so it isn’t the same (not that any two situations are the same).
I had no desires or illusions that we would get back together, but hearing that he died rocked me. Even if I didn’t want him back, I still wanted him to have a happy and full life.
Also, was she ever close to his family? She might be feeling badly for them.
It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you fully and totally. It just means that she’s sad.
You’re not “immature” for thinking this way. The fact that you’re questioning your thoughts on it shows the opposite. Something you’ve got to understand though is she was close with this person and had memories with them, so even if it was a long time ago a death will still hurt. It has nothing to do at all with how you are as a partner. If you had an ex pass away you’d probably have the same reaction even if it feels like you wouldn’t. To support her, you’ve just got to let her grieve and be there for her.
It’s been a couple weeks & she’s still that upset? Like inconsolable? I’ve been married for 33yrs. I found out my first love passed away. It was sad & tragic. I went to the funeral (the family asked me to come- we were together for like 6 yrs). It was really sad. But he hasn’t been in my life for years. It still hurt but it wasn’t the same as if we were dating or just broke up. I was devastated for his family. Everyone grieves differently but if she’s still upset & crying all the time, it would rub me wrong. I get still being shocked &/or stunned by it. She may not know what to do w the grief if she didn’t attend funeral or service. Doesn’t sound like she let go/moved on.