Hi, my husband and I have been married for almost two years now. (Background context) About a year ago we had a rough patch where he accused me of cheating when I never did. I had a male friendship that he was uncomfortable with, and I will admit we had never set up boundaries on this before so I was open to hearing his concerns. We both went through therapy and established clear lines and goals for our relationship and thought we had moved past our troubles. I’ve always heard that the first year of marriage is one of the toughest so I was proud to make it through. Pre therapy, he did not handle our fighting maturely. He told his whole family half truths and made me out to be a terrible person. He also did this with his friends. I still went to every function and tried to act the same despite how rude and awful some of them were to me, because I knew I did nothing wrong and they were not a part of my marriage. Also, no one would ever say anything to my face – just mean petty comments and trying to exclude me.
Now, we have been overall very happy. Some of our problems before we would drink and go out too much, which is something we rarely do now. We also started a savings account because we want to move out of the small town we live in. I’m currently working on my doctoral degree and travel – so the goal was to go closer to school. He is our sole income while I focus on school and work part time. I know that he has hated his job, but we haven’t found him anything better yet as the market is small. I have been also looking into attempting full time work with full time school. Any arguments we have had this year have related to how certain members of his family still treat me, feeling stuck in town/job, and money stresses where we are barely getting by with no extra money. Even though we have these arguments here and there I always looked at it as couples argue and things are tough. We maybe fight like once a week.
I was out of town for school and a wedding two weeks ago in the same city. He drove up and met me the day of the wedding. Apparently the evening before he met up with a coworker in a secluded parking lot and they made out and she gave him a blowjob. He said they had been flirting for a couple weeks now and on his lunches he’s been downing shooters and hiding it from me. They have neighboring offices and they would chat after lunch or towards the end of the day when it was slow. He said it started with little comments while she’d talk about her life and relationship dramas or she would compliment him, so when I was gone he mentioned that I was out of town if she wanted to do something after. She previously was telling him how she hasn’t hung out with a guy in so long since her ex. He swears that once it happened he stopped it that next Monday as it was a Friday and that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. He told me he doesn’t even know why he did it, he said he wanted more control in his life and thought it would make him feel better and at the end of the day he wasn’t thinking about me or the consequences of his actions.
He told me he still wants to be with me and is willing to change and be better. I kicked him out but have seen him a couple times to talk. Things he said he would change:
-no drinking
-new job
-making me feel loved
-respecting and appreciating me
-advocating for me
-consistently in therapy
-new coping skills/anger management
-taking accountability for actions
I really do love him so much which is confusing because I have never been the person to stay when being wronged so deeply. I’ve cried a bunch, got drunk one evening on wine and cussed him, but now I have to return to my normal life and I just feel numb about it all (I went to the doctor and explained what happened and they gave me a week excuse for school and work – I also got tested to be safe and everything came back negative). I think I’m more sad and hurt than mad now. I will add he has put in his notice at work (his idea) and he also is diagnosed with BPD. I hate that I still want to maybe try and work on things. It makes me feel like I’m dumb or have no self respect. His family knows bc he had to go somewhere. I’ve been waiting to tell everyone or expose him until I know exactly how I want to proceed. One I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of it (but he actually deserves it), and two I am not ready to hear everyone’s opinions and judgments IF I work on things. I just feel like marriage is such a big deal and I’d regret not giving it a couple months of therapy and seeing if he really turns his life around. I worry that the trust is something I’ll never get back, but I don’t know. Outside of these two incidents – he does all the things (writes me poems/songs, helps around the house, helps my dad outside of work, does little thoughtful things, and is really one of my best friends)
For anyone who made it this far, thank you for reading my long post. I’d appreciate any advice or thoughts as I do not have a close relationship with most of my family and really no one to talk about it with (I start therapy back up next week though).
Comments
He is a cheating, blame shifting, projecting liar who slanders you to others and treats you like crap.
Of course he is treating you well now – it’s called “hoovering” aka when a toxic/abusive partner ropes you back in with false promises of change/love bombing when they feel like they are loosing control/power or the relationship may end.
Advice? Therapy. Learn about abusive relationships, pathological love relationships, cycle of power/control, cycle of abuse. He sounds incredibly manipulative.
No honey the only thing you will regret is working on it. He went and lied about you to people and let people treat you like shit on PURPOSE and then cheated. He is a bad person and a bad husband.
Exposing him will do nothing. His family hates you and will not believe you. There is nothing left to try and fix or work on. He lets you live in a world of lies designed to make you look bad and you will die in it if you don’t leave
It took you a long time to get to his BPD diagnosis. That is one hell of a personality disorder to be dealing with in marriage.
Has he been in therapy for BPD, without you? And has he found a different job? It seems rather impulsive to put in your notice when he is, as you said, the sole income.
The telling his fam half-truths when fighting, the lack of impulse control and boundaries, it’s something you’d be wise not to put up with unless he is in active treatment for BPD. This disorder is highly volatile and recovery is almosy impossible without individual therapy.
first of all, leave him and keep going. you definitely will find a person who will truly love and respect you
Only you can decide if you want to try to make things work or just cut your losses and move on. You’re not wrong for wanting to try or for wanting to leave. I would say that the likelihood this would happen again is pretty high. The only saving grace, correct me if I’m wrong, is that he did just tell you about it. It wasn’t something that was continued and you had to discover.
Once a cheater… you get it. Trust is broken. Hard to come back from that
He laid all the ground work so that his family will think: (a) you’re lying if you say he cheated and (b) you pushed him to cheating. Your “best friend” wouldn’t allow their family to disrespect you and they certainly wouldn’t cheat on you at the earliest opportunity.
Also, he accused you of cheating a year ago because he was probably projecting that HE was cheating.
Your list of stuff he needs to do to win you back sound like things that should’ve already been happening (making you feel loved, respecting and appreciating you, advocating for you) and I’m worried anger management is on the list, as well as taking accountability for his actions.
You sound like a battered woman looking for an excuse to stay with your abuser. Keep him out of the house and go to therapy for yourself to help you leave this “marriage”. If you keep him around, all of his abusive, lying, and cheating ways will be “blessed” and will continue. You deserve better.
It doesn’t go from zero to 100. He’s been into this woman for a while. Hard to believe it was only one time during the two weeks. All this for the girl to get nothing sexual from him in return. Nope there is more to this story. He confessed before more information came out.
Ok. I read all of this and was thinking about the advice. Then you said he has BPD. That actually explains a lot. Take it from me. Living with a BPD can be cycles of this kind of behavior. They will drag you down with them and make you feel like the crazy one. They’ll mirror their bad behavior on you. They’ll accuse you of all kinds of crazy stuff. This also explains the one sided stories he’s given his family. Not necessarily “lying” per se. To a BPD, that distorted reality is what they view as real. Cheating is also a hallmark of their behavior.
This behavior doesn’t get better with time. It gets worse. It’s abuse. No other way to call it. Regular treatment methods like medication don’t work on them. He needs intensive therapy.
BPDs eventually burn out often in their later years in told, but you can’t ride that train for 30-30 years. I’m certainly not telling you to dump him or that. You are married, but be aware that life with a BPD is very stressful and it’s likely to become worse than better. My advice? Educate yourself about BPD as well as what effect they will have on a non.
Good luck.
He doesn’t like you, why are you fighting for this?
Yikes – I’m really sorry this happened. A few things….he jumped from “normal stressors of married life” to “outright cheater” really quickly. He’s obviously been flirting with this woman for quite some time and laying the groundwork for this hookup. Please don’t buy the excuse that it just came to a head (excuse the pun) on that weekend when you happened to be out of town for a wedding. That would be the coincidence of all coincidences. He planned this.
So while you’ve been thinking that you’re having normal couples arguments, he’s been working to transition his emotional affair to a physical one. And you’ve been married less than 2 years. Keep in mind HIS OWN WORDS: He wasn’t thinking about you when he did it. Think about all of this. BTW, you’re a smart lady…ever hear the term “projection”? He has probably cheated before, like when you were going through a rough patch and he accused you of cheating. Classic projection.
You say he’s promising you the sun, moon, and stars and that’s exactly what it is…lofty and unattainable. Delivering on things as nebulous as “making me feel loved, respecting and appreciating me, advocating for me”…what does that really look like day to day? Those are just pretty words and love bombing. How long are you supposed to wait around while he magically develops these skills?
When the rubber hits the road, his actions don’t match the hearts-and-flowers bullshit he spews at you to convince you he’s a good guy. He’s not. He’s also not your best friend. Your best friend wouldn’t lie and talk smack about you to their friends and family. They also wouldn’t cheat and then make lofty promises.
He seems to have all kinds of excuses for his behavior locked and loaded! Don’t let him off the hook with this sudden BPD diagnosis. 1) have you confirmed this? B/c I’d be leery this isn’t another pity tactic. And 2) Even if it’s true, that does’t give him license to cheat. People with PBD also can have faithful marriages and be held accountable for their actions.
OP, your marriage has never been good. For the majority of the time, he’s accused you of cheating, he’s been cheating, he’s been talking badly about you, and who knows what else. You may say you love him but enough is enough when it comes to the disrespect. No amount of poems and helping around the house can make up for his poor behavior. This is a good time to move closer to that school you mentioned and do it without him.
This betrayal happened on a Friday night at his request after telling the girl that you were out of town. He saw you the next day. Then he stopped it on Monday. How long were you gone before they had sex?
You’re asking about one part of a bad relationship. The physical cheating. However, you need to look at the bigger picture. He purposely and repeatedly needed to be the victim so that he would garner sympathy from his family and friends. Then stood meekly by when his lies constantly affect you. Then seems to be wishwashy with your future. So sort of comes off. He tells you what you want to hear and does what wants. Haven’t moved yet. Decided to leave job he had that you said no to previously. Could get new job with uncle but hasnt yet?? Drinking on the job. I want to say he is spiraling but appears he has been out for himself the entire time. And i bet if you ease-dropped on his conversations. It is a bunch of poor me talk.
I’m sorry you are hurting.
Reddit will tell you to leave. But know that you don’t have to decide today. You can take all the time you need to make the decision you can be happy with. You can divorce him today or you can do the couples and individual therapy and see if he actually makes the changes he claims.
Will you be happier with or without him? Will you ever be able to trust him again? These are really big questions that probably can’t be answered today. There is not one right decision only you can decide what is best for you.
You didn’t cheat he was projecting onto you to shift blame and his family doesn’t care. He set you up intentionally knowing he would cheat to cast blame on you. I’d be telling everyone what he did and see how he likes it when his actual deeds instead of your made up ones are exposed. You’re just treating him the same way he treated you.
You misspelled ex-husband
Dump his ass. Dump his ass now.
It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about this. You need to inside yourself and ask so I trust him enough to let him in again, so I trust him enough to follow up on his promises etc… can you talk to his coworker and get her aide, did she know you exist, did only do what he said etc…
Leave him. You’ll regret if you stayed and if you tried. This isn’t someone you can build your life with. He will always look for chances to blame you and play the victim all your life. Not worth it, let him stay kicked out, and file for divorce with all the proof about his cheating.
>I had a male friendship that he was uncomfortable with, and I will admit we had never set up boundaries
If I have to explain “male friend” boundaries to my 25yo adult wife, I’m out.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. You’ve barely been married…the first year of marriage should NOT be the hardest. He can’t even behave himself and under normal marriage stress, he cheats. Your partner should never make you feel like this.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He should be your Ex husband. When people accuse you of cheating with zero proof it’s called projection. He’s been cheating on you and finally “confessed” probably be she was going to tell you the color of your sheets. He did “damage” control by admitting part of his transgressions. He’s probably living with her. Grow a spine and have some self respect! How could you ever trust him again. You go out of town he’s got someone in your bed!
Tell him you need to focus on school and not be distracted by this confusing relationship right now. We move into the guest room and live as roommates. Tell him he can put forth the effort to court you and woo you back into a relationship. Continue your schooling, graduate with your PhD, find a great job and leave him.
He owes you a debt and you should let him pay it so you can get through school.
Hi friend. As someone who went through something similar very recently I have to say all your feelings and coping mechanisms are normal and you shouldn’t feel bad about that. They shouldn’t take over your life entirely because above all you are more than his mistakes.
I (M23) caught my wife (F22) cheating on me on my birthday weekend. I had a recent post about it here on the sub. A lot of people gave me some real hard advice that I’ve been trying to take in fully since they have a totally outside, and unbiased opinion. The main takeaway I’ve had so far is that even if I did go back to her, I myself would never fully trust her. And we have kids together, so would that be a life I want them to be in? A relationship I would want them to see daily? I believe my answer is no, but I’m not perfect. I still battle the feelings that I should go dive head first into fixing all our mistakes and building something stronger. But you can’t fix every mistake, some actions and some words are unforgivable, even if that person is who you love most.
I can’t say what you should do because to this day I don’t know what I’m gonna do, all I can say is take your time, grieve, heal, be angry and sad, fully go through all the emotions before you make any decisions because at least then you may have gone through even some of the processing you’ll need to go through before you’re comfortable with your decisions. If you wanna chat at all I’m open to having a heart to heart with a fellow person. Hope all goes good for you