I’m (27M) lost after a confession from my wife (29F). I’m stuck in my own head and need an outside perspective.
For some context, we’re college sweethearts married for 6 years, and we have a daughter (4F). My wife’s not only my first love but also my best friend. The family we built means the world to me.
Recently our marriage hit a rough patch when my in-laws (59M/58F) stayed with us for a few months. It put a lot of strain on our relationship. My MIL has always been gracious, but my FIL has never approved.
I’m not in his top five choices for his daughter. He straight up told me I wasn’t good enough for her. He even initially refused to walk her down the aisle because of his disapproval. He’s our biggest obstacle.
I try ignoring him. We no longer had our own space as a couple and family. My FIL took over everything and undermined me to our daughter. He called it his “grandfather’s rights.”
He came between my wife and me. She would make excuses for him or say he’s still her dad. We were pitted against each other. We stopped communicating, fought often with no resolution, and intimacy went extinct.
We’re still in recovery. We’re working on reconnecting. We went to this retreat for our anniversary, and overall it was good for us. We were able to talk and have fun with each other again.
Part of the program was intimacy exercises. We basically stared into each other’s eyes in a quiet space for an extended period. It’s supposed to help us be present with each other. We decided to continue these exercises at home.
So during our last exercise, we’re staring into each other’s eyes, we’re talking about stuff we appreciate, and I start telling her how much she means to me and what specifically I love about her.
She looked like she was in pain the more I went on. She told me to stop praising her and how I didn’t know everything. I asked her what she meant, and she confessed to a near-physical affair during our fallout.
She said she was lonely, we were on opposite sides of the earth, and there was a coworker (19M) showering her with attention and affection. At first, she ignored him, but his chasing began feeling good, and she softened. She got a high from it.
She was engrossed, and they’d have their lunch break together every day and hung out often after work. Other coworkers teased her about how she had the guy wrapped around her finger and him being whipped. She dismissed them but felt guilty about what others were perceiving. So she moved their lunches to her car.
She convinced herself the relationship wasn’t wrong because nothing physical occurred. In private they shared lingering hugs and touches. She eventually resolved to have sex with him on their next hangout, but she stopped because of her love for our family.
She said while on her way out to meet him, she saw our daughter and me having a good time playing together, and our daughter gave her a drawing of our family that reminded her of what we had and our commitment.
I remember that night too. Her telling me she was invited out for a girl’s night, her getting ready, how excited she was, and her suddenly canceling and ignoring her phone. I’m looking back on it a lot differently.
I was too numb to respond. It didn’t seem real. She asked me to say something. I asked why she was confessing now. She said it was weighing on her, and me speaking so positively about her made it worse.
I asked if she was still involved with the coworker. She swore she wasn’t. She broke things off with him, went no contact, and he transferred to a different department. She said losing our family wasn’t worth the risk.
I asked if she ever planned to tell me. She admitted no. She convinced herself there wasn’t anything to tell because she didn’t go through with it.
My MIL knew before me. The guilt was eating away at my wife, so she opened up to her mom. My MIL told her I needed to hear the truth from her and my wife needed to trust in our relationship.
It got to be too much. I told her that I couldn’t do this right then and we needed to end the exercise. She kept asking for me not to shut down on her and proclaiming how she loves me and wants our family.
I told her that I didn’t want to hear “I love you’s” right then. She said the coworker was the biggest mistake she’s ever made, and she’s fully committed to me. I only told her I needed some space to process.
Sometimes she respects my space request, and sometimes she doesn’t. I moved out to the guest room for the time being. She sends affirmation texts about her love and what our vows mean to her.
I’m just still really numb. This is hell. Idk what to do with her confession. I knew things weren’t perfect. I knew we were in a bad place and working our way back, but I never expected this.
I was here wanting my wife, wanting to work on our marriage and our family, and she was off sneaking around with some 19-year-old kid. Like, what the hell are we doing here?
I don’t relate either. I never looked elsewhere. My wife was it for me. To me, she had a place in my life that no one else could fill.
I don’t have anyone to talk with. My wife was the one I could be wholly myself with and open up to about anything. But I feel I can’t do that now.
It feels like I was drowning, and just when I was getting back on the boat, I was shoved back into the water. I’m at a complete loss.
How do I move past this while continuing to work on my marriage?
TL;DR Recently my wife and I hit a rough patch. We stopped communicating, fought often with no resolution, and intimacy went extinct. We’re working on reconnecting. My wife confessed to a near-physical affair with a coworker during our fallout. She said she was lonely, we were on opposite sides of the earth, and the guy showered her with attention and affection. She got a high from it. She eventually resolved to have sex with him but stopped because a family moment reminded her of what we had and our commitment. She said the coworker was the biggest mistake, and she’s fully committed to me. I only asked for space to process. Sometimes she respects my space request, and sometimes she doesn’t. She sends affirmation texts about her love and what our vows mean to her. I’m just still really numb. I’m at a complete loss. How do I move past this while continuing to work on my marriage?
Comments
Divorce first
She chased a child. Fuck her
If you guys plan on going to counseling go to individual instead of couple counseling. Individual counseling will help you gain the strength to handle this affair whenever you divorce or not. You can’t control whatever not your wife is cheating on you but you can keep your eyes and ears open for if it happens again and if you’re strong enough to move on.
Not sure I believe “nothing sexual happened”. Unless she confesses more, you will probably never know. She is probably just confessing what she thinks she can get away with to relieve her own guilty feelings.
Shooting from the hip. I know it really sucks but I think it could be a good sign that she had a younger guy all over her when things were rough and she still chose to stop everything with him before it became physical b/c she loved her family more than the attention. Assuming it’s true that she ended things before anything physical happened. I would think you can work your way back from this and focus and strengthening your marriage.
Not reading all that. She cheated. Divorce her.
FIL won. Give him his daughter back. Guard the split custody.
Will you ever be able to trust her again? If so, you should try to save your marriage. If not, just get a divorce.
I wounder if she told you the entire truth or if you will keep getting trickle truthed. It sounds like it may have also been a PA in addition to the EA.
I mean… if you believe her, this is both totally forgivable and probably something that will strengthen your relationship. The thing is… she didn’t do it. People will have feelings for other people, it’s human nature. Acting on it, which she sort of did, isn’t acceptable. But given the context I think I’d forgive her (if you think she’s telling the truth)
The FIL problem is what needs counseling more than anything else.
If you tolerate it, what does that say about you?
And if she knows you’re the sort of person who tolerates it, what do you suppose her knowing that will do for her respect levels for you?
Do you want to be that guy?
I think what you need regardless of what you do going forward is to invest in some friends because not having anyone you can talk to besides, your wife is not ideal regardless of how great the relationship is.
There’s more she hasn’t fessed to yet. Do a sly DNA test on the kid. Trust but verify.
Lawyer up bro. There’s no getting past this. It will always be there in your mind. Even if you forgive her and she apologizes the first heated argument you both have, you will throw it in her face.
What does she mean “the biggest mistake”? What are the other mistakes? Older guys?
Her father moving into your home and nuking your relationship becomes her excuse for looking outside of your marriage?
I wouldn’t be able to move past this unless he was set straight, which sounds like it’s not gonna happen.
Honestly asking reddit is the last place to ask. Alot of people will tell you to divorce her because they have skin in the game and likely here to be entertained. Before you act you need to ask your self how you honestly feel about her, the family you two made, and the current situation. Then ask your self if you can still see a future with her, and how you hope that can happen. I know the trust is broken and that might never be fixed, but you owe it yourself and your daughter to find out if its possible. Consider counseling for both you and individually. If this affair is too much for you to handle, then consider a trial separation. From there you can decide if you want to finally divorce.
Updateme
Get an STD test
What surprised me in history was the fact that adult women hardly interested in such young men. She must have been very emotionally confused.
It all boils down to A) Her parents were prioritized over you, and actively worked to destroy the marriage, and the family- that can never be allowed to happen again, even if it means her cutting them out of her life, B) She had the opportunity to engage physically, you would have never known, and yet, at that final critical moment, when everything was on the line, when the anticipation of an illicit encounter was overwhelmingly strong, the excitement of bedding a young man was peaked, -THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT-she declined-that speaks very highly of her ultimate character.
A spouse who has opportunities to cheat, and chooses not to, is faithful.
Whereas a spouse who never has said opportunities, is only monogamous by circumstance.
If everything she says is true, you need to realize her high character value, and act accordingly.
So my dad doesn’t think my husband is good enough for me so I (check notes) sleep with a kid a decade younger than me.
I’m not going to assume anything about your wife’s actions, but you should check her phone, e-mail etcetera and you should talk to the other guy to hear his story. That can lead to you either believing that your wife told you everything or the opposite. You might need that clarity to make your decision on how to proceed.
If you choose to give it a shot, you should try relationship therapy. Besides her affair, there are a lot of other issues to work through before you two have a healthy relationship. It can still lead to divorce for a variety of reasons, but then you’ll know you tried everything.
You need space. It’s good that you wrote all your feelings down as that helps.you need to decide what you want. Stay and work on it or divorce. You can back out of any option at anytime. Go through the pros and cons of both what would your life look like in both scenarios? Which looks better to you. But getting away and being on your own to decide this will help. Even if it’s a random place for a night. If you want to stay with her, then you need to set expectations and boundaries, think about what they would be.
Go to therapy for yourself, get her to go to therapy for herself, and then after awhile have joint marriage therapy. That way you each have had time to work on yourselves and come to get her to discuss in a better way.
Your FIL 100% is a problem and it sounds like your wife internalizes a lot of what he says.
The counselling will help with conveying your feelings and thoughts about your FIL to your wife in a more productive manner.
Whether it ends in divorce or you stay together working on yourself is only a good thing
Even without cheating, she has a terrible dynamic between her father and you. She is allowing someone WHO IS STAYING IN YOUR HOUSE to treat you poorly and then uses the ensuing tension and distance THAT SHE HELPED CAUSE as a reason to cheat on you? She’s allowing her dad to undermine your relationship with your daughter? If my parents were treating my partner like that I’d go low contact with them, and I damn sure wouldn’t move them into my house. Personally I wouldn’t excuse this sort of betrayal. It’s not like you were failing the relationship and she was pursued by someone else and she shut it down, no she was fully planning on having a physical affair, and even when she didn’t go through with it she was planning on continuing to lie to you. Other people know about this at her work, that’s gotta be humiliating. Will she respect you if you stay? Do you think the situation with her dad will get any better?
She made you look like a fool. That 19 year old is now laughing at you with his friends as he tells them all about him f*cing a married woman and nutting in her mouth. It’s considered an accomplishment for him! Laughing at you!
She chose to stop fcing the child because she cares about her family?! No, that’s BS. If she cared about her family, she wouldn’t have fcked him. She’s manipulating you!
Only one thing to do, leave her. You’d be less if you stay.
19 is young,
While u were moping, she was getting her back blown. Get a divorce lawyer and plan your exit.
Usually, I’m on the divorce/break up train, but I think if I were in your shoes, I could forgive her with counseling and a few other new rules, like an open phone/device policy (no deleting messages), location sharing, and complete honesty.
Space isn’t really going to fix anything with her if you want to save this relationship. You need more communication and more connection, not less.
Bro it may not mean much but I’ve been down this road a lot. My ex wife cheated on me a lot and with many different people. At first it was just the one guy (so I thought) later on down the line it was multiple dudes one of which was a cousin of hers by marriage (gross right? I got an STD from that one) and I tried to stay at first but it didn’t work for me. I say that to vet my experience in this issue.
With that said as I’m reading your post I find myself almost envying you because I never got any affirmation, she didn’t show any remorse there was no I stopped myself, nothing. It seems that she is sorry for what happened and she wants to make things right. I know a lot of ppl will say kick her to the curb, but think of what y’all have/had… Think of the little one and how she will be affected by rash decisions.
You’ve got a shot here that I never had anyway, and I’d hate to see you throw it away without at least attempting to see if it can be saved. At the end of the day it’s up to you and I don’t really know you as a person so I could be way off base here. I wish you luck whatever you decide but if it were me I’d at least give it a shot. What do you have to lose at this point?
That sucks dude. Personally, there’s no way I’d believe she didn’t bang that dude, and that’d be it for me. Sounds like she’s not admitting everything, but even private touches or whatever would have me looking for the door, and I’ve got a lot more than 6 years invested at this point.
Hi Op, really difficult situation. Usually if the betrayal cuts deep, especially with a physical betrayal I would always proclaim divorce.
But in your case given the circumstances and your wife having a moment of clarity before the actual deed was done, is something you can give her credit for.
Despite that of course the trust is severely damaged, but I think with some time of healing for you there is a chance of reconciliation.
Will it be difficult?! Damn yeah, but if you have the feeling that your wife is open in every aspect regarding your questions, phone and social media accounts there might be a chance to safe your marriage/family.
I would recommend you to give a try, you can still divorce her if you have the slightest doubt of remorse and honesty from her side 💁🏻♂️
You don’t want to hear this, but I would say there’s a 90% chance they did have sex and/or oral. Cheaters will trickle truth their confessions to make themselves look better. Whether or not they had sex, she did full on have an affair. Now the trust is gone. You should ask her to take steps to restore the trust. You should also get her to have a STI test.
If she made it to the point where she made her mind up to have sex. Then they must have already been making out as well as touching. So in other words OP she was cheating.
I don’t know if I could move past that but for my kids I would at least try individual counseling. At least it will help me come to a more clear headed decision about my marriage.
One tough patch and she bails. First of all, toss out the trash (FIL). See how she reacts. And get counseling. It’ll help you decide if you want to stay
Whatever you decide to do, get a full STI check, and tell your wife you expect her to do the same.
I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Your wife confessed to the emotional affair, sure. But lingering hugs and touches? I’m sorry but that IS physical cheating.
Just because they (maybe) never got naked doesn’t mean it wasn’t a physical affair. She crossed physical lines that she would not cross in your presence. And of course she did. Because really, what could she possibly have in common with a barely legal 19-year old young man? What could HE have in common with her? She’s a married adult and he was in high school last year. When you were 19, you’d have seen a 27 y/o wife and mother as an adult, a real adult, and not remotely as your equal or peer. It was more than just a flirty friendship.
Often when people confess these things, they’re gauging how much to share by how the other person reacts. They’re looking for that line of how much they can tell you before you’re going to shut down and walk away. I would strongly suggest you really think about who your wife is and whether she would really tell you everything.
Lastly: you need support. You need some friends and a therapist. Truly. Invest in YOUR life and your well being. Take your time. Co-parent your daughter. But invest in yourself. Make time for relationships other than your marriage so you aren’t so alone. Otherwise, your loneliness will factor into your decision making about your marriage.
Get STD screened, and, as others have said, maybe DNA test your child as much as that sucks. I hope this was a temporary, not truly all the way physical, stress-induced idiotic move on your wife’s part and that things are reparable. But in case they’re not … take a consult with a lawyer or two so you can learn how to protect yourself, your assets, and your custody of your child in the event you do decide to split.
Marriage counseling is the way to go bud. Am sorry this happened and while it’s an emotional betrayal nothing did happen. Obviously there was intent but family values and morality won in the end. Also minimize contact with your in laws especially your FIL and never have them stay over. He is toxic and to be loving to your grandkids but turn them against their own dad is f’ing vile behavior. When you get to counseling make sure you mention his behavior and how that was a big reason for the marital problems and she not having your back. We all have fathers. We should be able to call them out when they act like a-holes. Being a dad does not give you a blank check on being a total tool!
You need a lot of time to trust again if you ever can. You will never trust 100% again.
I suggest you take at least 30’days to decide what your next step will be. You won’t make any rational decisions now.
UpdateMe
Give yourself time. Open the communication for yourself when you are ready.
Man, i’ve never had a relationship not gonna lie and this shits breakin my heart. I’d definitely suggest you both get counseling, AND individual therapy even. You need to both have a serious conversation about how things need to go regarding your shitty FIL moving forward as that seems like the biggest driving force but lets not pretend like your WIFE didn’t almost sleep with someone way younger. That’s some sick shit. You need to take the time to let this sit with you, think, do you really want to be with someone who would even think for a second to fuck a coworker behind YOUR back? To me it only seems like she cared because of the kids, and that is NOT a healthy marriage man. Stay strong brother, if you need something we’re your people.
Update me
UpdateMe!
Eh…. she didn’t go through with it….. thats at least a glimmer of hope. I’d consider marriage counseling….
Calling BS on your wife trickle-truthing you.
Every single time I have read about one of these situations – or experienced it with friends, family or life – every time there was sex. You are only getting the bare minimum information right now. She felt guilty and hoped that by sharing “enough” she will feel better and you will eventually praise her for her restraint in the face of a difficult home situation (that she created by not putting her dad in place).
What 19 year old do you know that can sit in a car and touch and hug without kissing or constantly pressing for more? ESPECILALLY when the woman is married and older. The kid absolutely read the room and knows enough to recognize that your wife should not be doing anything with him. Nope. Not a chance I believe they only hugged and touched. No.
This is so hurtful. Only you can decide whether you can stay or not. I think you both need counselling if you are going to work through it. On a separate note, FIL should not be allowed back into your home. I would recommend NC.
She’s likely trickling out the truth to you and telling you what she thinks you’ll forgive. She literally let you go through hell living with her parents in your own home and cheated. How does her dad think now? Sounds like you’re too good for her.
I think you should get tested because she could still be lying. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope couples therapy can help you both.
Updateme
I could get through this. She had an EA which is a dealbreaker for a lot of people, but her confessing it and her version of events would give me at least enough of a feeling there was something left to save and head to couples counseling. If I found out she let a 19 year old nail her, it’s split custody of a 4 yo.
First how is she going to rebuild trust? She needs to put her foot down with your FIL and defend your marriage.
Let her know that you need full disclosure for any possible chance to stay in your marriage. Get counseling, R takes a long time and constant work from both of you. Good luck. Updateme
ChatGPT slop. FIL wouldn’t walk her down the aisle, daughter drew a pic of their family for her. She almost had sex but didn’t. Cliche garbage.
So they went from not even having kissed to her deciding she was going to have sex with him that night, including getting all dolled up for it? You know she’s lying right? They may not have had sex but she and him definitely had a physical relationship past hugging.
Bullshit story. Somehow you have very specific details about the budding relationship. Nobody that’s cheating is giving the full story.
“She was engrossed, and they’d have their lunch break together every day and hung out often after work. Other coworkers teased her about how she had the guy wrapped around her finger and him being whipped. She dismissed them but felt guilty about what others were perceiving. So she moved their lunches to her car.”
Those are too specific of details to be a true story. You couldn’t possibly know this.
I call fake.
There’s several things that stand out here.
She admitted on her own. Which would be the correct action to take. If it’s the full truth.
Trickle truth is a real thing. It’s pretty unusual for someone who had an affair to come completely clean of their own volition. She may have actually slept with him and only shared certain details to gauge your reaction. Withholding the whole story once she saw how you pulled back. (This doesn’t mean you did anything wrong by pulling back! That’s a very natural reaction.) You don’t know that this is what happened but you do need to consider it. Liars lie.
Her father’s part in this and the fact that she allowed him to disrespect you significantly in your own home. Then took the consequences of her own actions as a reason to seek outside affection.
The age of the affair partner. This gives off predatory vibes.
The fact that this was a workplace affair. This could have went really wrong for her. All it would take is this boy telling HR she sexually harassed him and she would be under extreme scrutiny. Potentially losing her job. This could, in fact, still happen.
There is no “getting over” what happened here. You now exist in a new normal. Your wife cheated and that can never be erased. Some people find a way forward in their new normal. Some don’t. Only you can know if this is something you can forgive. What you need to understand is that you don’t have to decide this right this very minute. Give yourself some time to process this information.
Either way you both need to get into counseling together. You are co-parents of an innocent child. You need to learn how to navigate this dynamic in a healthy way.
Dude, sorry to break it to you but I’d be about 95% sure she’s had sex with him.