Hello Reddit! I need to vent and ask for objective opinions, because I am confused and hurt.
I have been with my husband for years and he has always had a very close relationship with his mother. Her mother has always believed, above all, that women should maintain their homes, that they should take care of their husbands, that they should be good women, and I was never like that to begin with. She went to live with us temporarily, but she started getting involved in everything and saying things about me to my husband and he didn’t say anything, I told him that we couldn’t live with her and the situation persisted. A little over two years ago we had a terrible conflict: she was very rude to me, telling me that I was not what she wanted for her son and many other things, and I responded because I do not tolerate disrespect. Since then we have stopped speaking, but my husband insists that I forgive her and that we live with her again. The truth is that I don’t want to have any relationship with her, and I don’t want to share spaces. But here comes the real problem, my husband can’t handle this situation and asks me to share spaces with her out of love.
I have told him that I can give in at very specific times, but he wants us to go on a trip and share more, and if I don’t agree he says he prefers that we separate. This makes me feel like he has more loyalty to his family than to me.
I have tried to talk to him about priorities and I have asked him directly: “Have you told your mother that I am your priority?” He says he doesn’t want to hurt her heart, that if he tells her the truth it would hurt her, and he doesn’t want to say anything to her either. But at the same time, I know he says things like “you are the most important woman in my life.”
Furthermore, I have noticed that many times he does not tell me small things or decisions he makes, “to protect his mother’s heart” (for example, the expenses he makes with me or the things we eat). This makes me feel like he prioritizes his mom over our relationship, even when he says he loves me.
I don’t know if this can be fixed. I feel fear and pain, because I don’t want to break up, but I also don’t know if I should give in or if this dynamic is something he can never change. I have thought about couples therapy, but I need advice on how to deal with this situation emotionally and how to know if it can really be changed.
Thanks to everyone who reads this. Any opinions, similar experiences or advice would be welcome.
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Your husband doesn’t do any of this out of love, he’s a coward who puts mummy first and he’s not going to change. The only person who can change anything here is you, by leaving. Please do that, leave.
He said if you don’t agree then he wants to separate…… Girl, you do not agree in any way, start the proceedings.
I’m sorry to say that the answer to your question is already in the content of your post. “I have told him that I can give in at very specific times, but he wants us to go on a trip and share more, and if I don’t agree he says he prefers that we separate.”
He prefers to separate than hold boundaries that protect you from his mother. Take him at his word and plan your life accordingly.
You sound like you’re still speculating that he maybe puts his mom before you? He has told you that she is above you and always will be. Get out while you’re still young and can find a real man and be happy. Don’t waste time being miserable with him when you can find someone who will be loyal to you
If he wants to live with his mother, he can do it somewhere else. He is too much of a mommie’s boy to have a grown-up relationship. Sadly, I think you will never win this one and it is time to look out for yourself and get out of this relationship.
Time for an ultimatum. Her or you. He’ll have to choose. I do not hold out hope that he will choose you.
Do NOT become pregnant. Start looking for a good therapist and/or divorce lawyer.
So you married a momma’s boy. He can tell you repeatedly that you come first but his actions are showing that not to be the truth.
I don’t see this changing at the point so I think you have three options 1) stay and life goes on as it has been with your MIL being in your relationship, above you. 2) wait for your MIL to pass, but at 50 that’s a lot of years to wait. 3) just divorce him. He’s never going to change and you’re never going to be happy coming in 2nd
From his own words he doesn’t seem too interested in your marriage. You asked him a reasonable question and his immediate response is to suggest ending the marriage.
He’s told you exactly where his priorities lie. You’ve repeated it to us, but you don’t seem to be hearing it yourself: he wants to give his mum what she wants and is willing to separate over thiis.
So you’ve got a choice to make.
He said he would rather separate then stand up to his mother. Tell him you didn’t know you were in a 3 way relationship why didn’t he just marry his mother then? Do not have kids with him she will become even worse.
Enough already! This same story or version of it has been posted MULTIPLE times in this sub in the last day or so.
Again, I want to know how deciding ‘what you eat’ is affecting your mother’s heart, like I asked on your previous post. For reference.
She did a terrible job raising her son. A son/daughter should be raised to be independent, think for themselves, and respect for their partner. Respect for parents is fine, but respecting your parents over your wife is immature. Maybe, you should tell him to move back home to mommy. You need a man with a shiny spine, not someone’s mama’s boy.
This can’t be fixed because mom is his priority and always will be. Time to move on and put yourself first because he never will.
You feel like he prioritizes his mom over your relationship because he does.
Your husband has chosen his mother over you. He doesn’t want to hurt her heart, but he has no problem hurting yours, the woman he vowed to love. honor and protect. He chooses not to tell you about decisions he’s made, that’s lying by omission. And I would venture to say that you are only aware of the tip of the iceberg.
At some point, he’s going to move his mother in. If he can’t convince you to agree on your own I’m pretty sure he’ll do it once you have a child because he will see you as locked in and unable to walk away.
I suggest you get into couples counseling, if her refuses you will need to sit down and seriously reevaluate your relationship and what you want your life to look like. It’s doubtful that he’s going to choose you. Sorry
You could try couples counseling, but brace yourself for divorce. He doesn’t love you enough.
It can’t be fixed, because he doesn’t want to. He will always prioritize her over you, and that won’t change. I’m sorry.
It doesn’t get better. When you have kids it hurts so much more when he let MIL come before them. I’ve spent over 35 years in this mess. I’m not first yet and never will be. My advice is to start a healthy relationship with someone who can put you first and care about their mom too.
It will not ever get better. He has prioritized his relationship with his mother over his relationship with you. Therefore, his relationship with her is his primary one. You are second, now and forever.
This will not change. Your only option is probably to leave.
Is she asking for forgiveness?
He doesn’t love you. HE LOVES WHAT YOU DO FOR HIM.
And he knows if you leave, he can find someone else that will do the same things. His love is already and always will be for his mom.
Please listen to a 52 year old grandma who is looking out for you and your best interests. Leave. There is nothing positive in this marriage anymore. You know its true. You can feel it in your gut and in your heart. Change is a scary thing but its scarier to stay somewhere you aren’t meant to be.
This is not your legacy. No voice. No opinion. Being controlled. No love. No love…..THIS IS NOT YOUR LEGACY.
Feel free to dm me if you’d like support.
His behavior is gross. Is he married to her or you? If reinforcing boundaries is hurtful for her, it says a lot.
He and his mother are enmeshed and until he realizes that you will always be an afterthought.
Time to ask yourself some questions:
Do you want to be in such a relationship? Is he willing to work to save your marriage? Do you want to spend decades of your life this way?
It might be time to reevaluate if you want to stay or start afresh. Put yourself first because apparently neither of them will. This is your life to live. Live it for yourself, not them, because you are deserving of being put first.
This sounds cultural. Leave before kidlets arrive.
Tell him if he can’t cut the cord he can crawl back up her dusty old vag and live there forever.
Don’t have children with him
He has made his choice. Give him what he wants and leave him.
I understand that you don’t want to have to start over after all the time and effort you have invested into this man and your relationship with him.
As someone who is older and has had to learn things like this the hard way, please know that this man will always put his mother’s wants over your needs.
I didn’t realize just how bad my marriage was until I wasn’t in it anymore and met someone who made me a priority.
your husband has decided that his mommy is more important than you. believe him at his word. Current husband wants his mommy more than you and has said he wants to separate. Do it. You are with the wrong person, Move out ASAP and never look back.
Your current husband said “and asks me to share spaces with her out of love.”. believe me, the love is for his mother and not you.
He’s cheating on his mom with you.
If it were me I’d just send him this post so he can see the opinions of others and let him know his mom is giving enmeshment 🤮you married a little boy not a man, he needs therapy. If he still doesn’t stand up to his mommy for his wife then time to leave and he can go back and live with mommy.
“This makes me feel like he has more loyalty to his family than to me.”
This is not a “feeling”, it’s a fact that he has demonstrated repeatedly. I understand that you don’t want to accept that you will always come in second place to mommy but that’s the reality of your situation.
You mention your husband “changing” but from what you have written, he has no interest in changing, he’s happy. You’re not happy and he doesn’t care. His concern is keeping his mother happy, even if it’s at the expense of your marriage.
You need to put your happiness first, save yourself!!
Honestly your best bet is to leave. He has told you loud and clear MIL’s feelings will always come first. If you stay you are in a world of more heartache. You have children, MIL wants to name them well you should let her, it will hurt her feelings if we don’t. MIL wants the baby to call her “mom mom”, “it will make MIL so happy”. Insulting my wife totally cool, husband can’t “hurt MIL’s heart”.
Leave before you waste anymore time in this dynamic.
Unfortunately it’s already over. Either you give in and live in misery, or you leave. He’s chosen, and it’s not you. He’s more worried about keeping mommy happy than keeping his wife. All that’s going to bring is pain and misery to you for the rest of if your marriage. Leave now while you are still capable and before you have children that tie you permanently.
if your husband is constantly pressuring you to let an abusive person live with you, he never respected your ‘no’ in the first place. you’re young and smart – get out of there because you deserve FAR better than this.
don’t talk to your husband or anyone connected to him/MIL about this until you’ve gotten legal advice. unfortunately, this includes any friends or parents who think marriage is the most important institution on the planet – they may interfere. divorce is freedom for many.
He’s already suggested yall separating instead of him having a normal relationship with his mom. Look into enmeshment and then, you leave.
>But at the same time, I know he says things like “you are the most important woman in my life.”
The words are saying one thing, the actions another. I don’t blame you a bit for being hurt. Breaking up would be hard, yes, but is staying and watching him protect her and not you not also hard?
Putting myself in your shoes, I would NEVER be able to have sex with my partner again if he repeatedly ignored my feelings and boundaries because he wanted his mommy to move in. It’s giving teenage boy who needs his mommy to do his laundry. Does she cut the crust off his pb&j sandwiches? EW. ICK. RUN! You’re an adult and need an adult to be your PARTNER! “He doesn’t want to hurt her heart” but is completely ok with hurting yours and telling you to your face he will continue to do so. Girl, get the hell out of there or you’re going to wake up one morning to his mommy sleeping in between you two.
>my husband insists that I forgive her and that we live with her again
>he says things like “you are the most important woman in my life.”
These can’t both be true. And if he’s not being honest, it’s almost impossible to have a good discussion that could help work things out.
Regardless of whether the issue was his mom or something else, I’d have really big problems with the lies and him “insisting”.
Girl, walk away now. 50 is still young. She should not be that needy to have a son who doesn’t put his partner above her. It will not get better, she installed the programming and knows all the buttons.
Leave. You don’t just to travel further down this path, trust me. Get out now. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM.
He’s already told you. He’ll leave you if you don’t go on trips and share more with her.
I would take him up on his offer to separate. Be very clear that in marrying you he made you his primary family, and that the marriage breakdown is entirely on him for not honouring his vows.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
He’s told you that you are not a priority to him. Listen to him and move on as cold as that sounds. You need someone that treats you as their core and is not afraid to stand up for what is right. What happens if you have kids?