I’m struggling with figuring out how to start this, so I guess I’ll just start with context. Obligatory apology for mobile and long post, I’ll try to keep it semi brief but there’s a lot. I, F28, have been friends with “Blake” 28M for about 10 years now. We met when I was traveling for a new job out of state, and I kid you not immediately became best friends in the week that I was there. Same interests, great energy and conversation, we just clicked.
We were friends for nearly 2 years before trying the dating thing. It lasted 3 months (important), during which Blake did not treat me well due to unresolved issues from prior relationships. Before I could end it, he decided to end it himself as he had feelings for someone else. Fine with me, we were clearly better as friends. I took some space because he hadn’t been treating me well, he got into therapy and apologized for being sh*tty, and was willing to put in the work to regain my trust for our friendship. Which he did, consistently, over the 8 years since.
Fast forward to now — I’m now happily married to my wonderful husband Kam (28M, together for 6 years, married for ~2 years). Blake and I are still best friends; he and his ex after our brief dating stint broke up, and he is now with a wonderful woman “Kaylie” (21F) for almost 2 years now (started dating a few months before my wedding, this is important). Kaylie and I are also good friends, she’s the sweetest person. Blake also lives in the same city as me now after his mother passed, having moved down here for a better support network; his girlfriend moved in about 9 months ago.
In the past 6 months or so, things have been strained with Blake. My husband is very introverted, and Blake started voicing frustration about his inability to be closer friends with Kam and feeling like he bothers Kam. He and I also started having weird tiffs (kind of subtle negs/belittling comments/etc). Then my husband and I came over to a game night for Blake’s birthday 3 months ago, during which Blake picked fights with me about very weird things (for example my career path and how I’m going about it wrong, making comments like “I guess if you want to stunt yourself in life, you can do it that way,” etc). Both my Kam and I were caught very off guard, and after several attempts to shut it down, made excuses and headed home.
Later, Blake proceeded to send me a text asking if I was okay bc the vibes felt off. To which I was like “uh no kidding”, and explained my issue. He decided to reply with…an email (who uses email anymore???). 8 long paragraphs about how he felt he and his experience/knowledge was dismissed in our discussion, how he felt ganged up on when Kam would defend my side, and how he felt like he can’t be himself around me and Kam anymore. He also made comments voicing that he didn’t feel like he could trust me bc I tell Kam everything (not true, I always ask before sharing unless it’s a danger or moral issue) and that he thinks I’m unhealthily codependent on Kam because whenever Blake and I hang out 1×1 I’m always calling to let Kam know how late I’ll be out or check if I’m cool to pick up takeout (we’re married with joint finances, sue me?).
I replied trying to clarify my end as well as understand where the everloving hell this all was coming from, but no matter how many times I tried, we kept going in circles. The emailing back and forth, during which he demanded we not meet up till this was resolved, lasted till about 2 weeks ago, when I said I needed time to think about how to reply next. About a month ago I got into therapy bc it was seriously messing with my head and making me feel like I was a problem and like I couldn’t talk to anyone about this bc we share much of our support system.
I finally broke down to my sister when she came over to see why I hadn’t been answering her (or really anyone, yay anxiety) lately. She is also friends with Blake through me. I let her read the emails, and she got pretty ticked on my behalf, and then proceeded to drop a helluva bombshell on me and Kam: Blake is APPARENTLY “still in love with me” and hates Kam’s guts.
Apparently, when she drove to pick up Blake out of state for our wedding (he was a groomsman) he “confided” in her and her husband that he didn’t agree with the wedding and wished I would break up with Kam and give him another chance. That we’re soulmates and Kam isn’t the one for me. Blake has heard me talk since day one about how happy Kam makes me and how safe and loved I feel with him. My sister shut it down, but, EVEN BETTER, Blake proceeded to do the same thing when she drove him back home after our wedding! He ended off saying he just needed some time, so my sister kept her mouth shut bc she knew that he’s my best friend and hoped she could trust him to resolve it over time since he lived far away.
Blake then moved near me about a year ago, and Kaylie moved in the August after. My husband’s and my wedding anniversary is in October, and apparently Blake called my sister’s husband to, AGAIN, confide that he’s still in love with me and wishes I would divorce Kam bc he would be a better husband to me. While LIVING with Kaylie, who he’s told me is his soulmate. This was about when all the stress started, so she never found a good moment to bring it up.
As if to ice the cake, Kaylie and I have been keeping up via text thru all this (again, we’re friends). During the past few weeks, I learned some odd things:
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Kaylie got new piercings, reportedly encouraged by Blake to do so bc “she’d look so cute”: a double nose piercing and septum, which possibly coincidentally Blake took me to get as a post-wedding gift 2 years ago.
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Blake apparently “has beef with” the month of August and so has decided their anniversary will be in October. The reason he gave was because “it’s spooky month”, but Kam and I started dating AND got married that month. I also, at my sister’s prompt, went back and checked when Blake and I broke up — August 2017. Again, possibly coincidental, but feels very odd as I don’t know why else he would have an issue with that month.
It’s also worth noting Blake had another relationship fall apart because the girl was outright convinced Blake was cheating on her with me to the point of blasting me for weeks as some homewrecker. Kam and I always chalked it up to her insecurity, but now I’m wondering if she was just watching Blake carry on some weird, one-sided emotional affair. I love my husband more than words can say, and he makes me happier than anyone I’ve ever met — he’s my ultimate best friend. Learning all this has made me feel so gross and like a horrible wife, though Kam has been wonderfully supportive and doesn’t blame me at all.
All this to say, I’m ending our friendship, but have no clue how. I feel like I have to tell Kaylie as this has all happened during their relationship and living together and the woman deserves the world, but also recognize I have no real proof beyond spoken accounts besides the weird emails — it sounds like some wild conspiracy theory or soap opera. My therapist is on vacation so I’m on my own after learning all this. I’m also realizing just how manipulative Blake has been for YEARS given this context, and already feel shaky about confronting him given my serious confrontation anxiety, which he knows about and could easily try to exploit. I’m realizing more and more that he has massive control issues that I dismissed as anxiety for years. The fact that he lives so close now fills me with dread rather than joy.
I want to come out of this with no regrets, knowing I stood up for myself, and that I put a decisive end to this. I want Blake to know his actions and creepy ulterior motives are the reason our decade long friendship is dead. I’ve never ended a friendship myself (also a bit of an introvert), and this is basically friend-breakup on steroids. How do I break this lunacy to Kaylie in a way that sounds remotely believeable given the front Blake has built? I also would love some advice on how to go about telling Blake I know everything and we’re absolutely done.
Comments
I would not confront him. I would do my best to drift away. And once enough time passes that he’s cooled off as much as he can tell him that you don’t want to be friends anymore.
I don’t know what to tell you about Kaylie. It really sucks and you’re right you have no proof. I think you should try telling her or maybe sending her something anonymous (he obviously blabbed about it to a bunch of people if you write it short and simple and not in your normal tone/way of typing then he may not know it was you). A heads up will be good for her but I am concerned about his fixation on you and think you should try to diffuse and back away. No confrontation.
Pretend it’s October and ghost the shit out of him.
I would tell her without being too specific on the word of mouth confessions. Tell her that through this arguing and emails you’ve realized the friendship with him isn’t healthy for you anymore. That he has unfair and one sided expectatio and has begun taking it out on Kam and you. Tell her that she deserves better than him, you would like to remain friends with only her if she would like, and that you think his feelings for you are inappropriate. Let her question him in details or work out what she finds is believable.
And it’s going to be sticky and uncomfortable. Friend break ups are HARD. Especially when they’re so long. But defending your happy and supportive marriage is the right thing. Cutting off a rude and mean friend is necessary.
You aren’t responsible for her feelings or his. Protect your peace.
It might not be safe to do this face to face. Let the friendship fizzle out. Do you have cameras? Or security system in place?
He sounds insane and none of what he has done so far is normal or healthy. So it’s safe to say that going off his past behavior that his response to ending the friendship will also be unhealthy and not normal. I agree with you, though, that it needs to end.
Just stay busy and tell him you’ve had too much going on. Don’t respond to that email anymore and save it in case you need a paper trail. Both you and your husband need to be careful and be ready for him to ratchet up the crazy.
“Fast forward to now — I’m now happily married to my wonderful husband Kam (28M, together for 6 years, married for ~2 years). Blake and I are still best friends; “
I was thinking “mistake don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it” just by being friends after the three month relationship. Remaining friends with somebody you hooked up when you’re in a new relationship is a spit and slap in the face of your new partner, regardless of what they may tell you. IF you marry your new partner, that makes it even worse.
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” whenever Blake and I hang out 1×1″
Oh, I got ticked off for Kam’s sake. YOU DON’T DO THAT WITH SOMEBODY YOU HAD A SEXUAL PAST WITH. What’s wrong with you? You’re far too old to not know better. Don’t pretend and think we’re stupid to believe you that you would be cool with him hanging out with an exgf under the guise of being friends. You wouldn’t. You know you wouldn’t.
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” Blake is APPARENTLY “still in love with me” and hates Kam’s guts.“
Oh, what a shock. IF only that wasn’t a stereotype that YOU KNEW that could happen. Sarcasm
You pretended that it couldn’t happen for you only because of your own self-interests.
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” he “confided” in her and her husband that he didn’t agree with the wedding and wished I would break up with Kam “
What a great sister (sarcasm). She let this weirdo be around you FOR TWO YEARS and still wouldn’t have said anything to you had you not had this blow up with blake. She chose blake over you. The proof is in the pudding.
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” so she never found a good moment to bring it up.”
Horse crap. What a cop-out. I’ve heard/read/witnessed far worse situations then this and there was not an excuse like “not a good moment”. When is it exactly a good moment?
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Summary-
Blake is an obsessive creep that you should consider filing for a restraining order, or at least have the police call him to scare him, to leave you alone if he continually tries to reach out to you.
That being said, I find you to be a very dislikeable person who doesn’t deserve Kam. You spat in your husband’s face every single day you were in a relationship with him. He may tell you it’s ok in order to not overlay you with guilt, but inwardly…….there’s no way he was cool with you hanging out with blake. There’s a 0.00% chance you would have been cool if he had a female best friend that he hung out with that he also had a sexual history with.
Do better…..MUCH BETTER.
….this was a very frustrating post to read.
I’m going to give credit to Blake for playing the long game for so many years, that’s dedication.
But yes, your best friend is a manipulative creep, best to distance yourself from him and slowly end the friendship.
There is no need to tell Kaylie, I believe their relationship with get imploded by the time Blake knows that the friendship has ended.