Hi all,
As question states my bf of two years has confessed that his parents have made it very clear they will disown him if he proposes / marries me. They want him to marry from his village.He has said he doesn’t want to lose his family , and wants both of us in his life. He says he will do everything he can to convince them, but after pressuring him to tell me what will happen if his convincing fails … he said he will end the relationship.
Some background , his parents have historically been stubborn and never accepted his brother for marrying outside his culture . They didn’t show up to his wedding and refused to look at the wife in his eye. They argued with him about his decision for year , and he ended up divorcing her.
I really love him and can’t imagine myself with anyone else , nor do I want to. However , this path scares me. What if I am never accepted? What if I waste my whole life them fighting? What if I am accepted superficially but I am still treated horribly by them for the rest of my life?
Comments
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The man clearly told you his priorities. Even if they accept you, his parents will rule over your marriage. Is that what you want?
Sorry to say you should end it now. If he doesn’t care for you enough to tell them to go take a hike, then he’s not for you, whatever your feelings about him are
Also FFS he 34 . If he’s still got this mindset now he’ll never lose it and look at whats happened in his family already.
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It sounds like you really love him, but it has made it clear that their approval means more to him than you do. And even if they do somehow accept you, to what degree would you be jumping through hoops for him for them, for the rest of your married life?
Also, doesn’t it give you the ick that they still control him to this degree? I get that cultural pressures are intense, and it can be really hard to stand up to parents, but I couldn’t feel emotionally safe knowing I could be dumped based on the opinion of people I’m not even in a relationship with.
You’re facing potentially a no-win scenario here. His family have been clear they don’t approve of you, and he is faced with losing his family if he stays with you. Even if they did begrudgingly accept you, it sounds like they’d make your married life unbearable.
Unless he is happy to cut ties with his family, there is no happy outcome here. He’s already been clear in saying where his priorities lie. Sadly I don’t think that there is any outcome here where you both get what you want, and a breakup sounds like it would be what would be best for both of you in the long term.
End this. I know its hard but it would sting more when he dumps you
Ma’am… he is 34, not 18.
He explicitly told you he will choose them over you.
You have also seen what happened with his older brother.
What are you hoping for? A divorce?
You have dragged your feet about this for two years. This is not something new, right? It’s like you saw the incoming train miles away, but stayed rooted to the tracks hoping it will change directions. You allowed yourself to fall more in love with him and made it even harder to leave him.
He is not blameless of course. He shouldn’t have dated you if he had no intention of marrying you. But we’re focusing on you right now, and you need to get off the train tracks ma’am!!
He and his brother should have closed ranks and divorced their abusive parents.
You will always take a distant second place to his parents. Save yourself the heartache and find yourself a partner who won’t ditch you just because mommy and daddy are backwards.
You handle this by being very thankful that your bf gave you very valuable information before it was too late.
You know, now, that he is not capable of following his own values to their logical conclusion. Or he is incapable of holding independent values. Or his independent values are not good ones.
So break up with him for these defects in his character, which are probably partly his parents’ fault but still his own responsibility.
He has told you what will happen- so listen – “but after pressuring him to tell me what will happen if his convincing fails … he said he will end the relationship.” I think you are already doomed. He is living in the FOG ( fear, obligation, guilt) – he isn’t free to marry you – he is trapped physically and mentally by his family and he is nowhere near ready to even contemplate breaking free.
I know you love him and it will be heartbreaking but I think even if you manage to wed the marriage will be a poisoned chalice. The in laws will want control and encroach on every aspect of your life, day to day and birthdays, red letter days etc. Your husband may come to resent you and you are the one who will have issues about his family’s controlling behaviour and he “will be caught in the middle.”
You are still young, go find a better match. Save yourself from a life of misery ( Let them think they have won)
Dump his ass
He told you exactly who he is, listen! He values his family over you. LISTEN.
Break up with him. This is wasted time.
You know that as well. If his parents didnt accept the wife from his brother because she wasnt from the village. Why should they accept you?
With the brother the break up happened after a year of marriage and how long a relationship?
Do you want to spend another 2 years with your partner and than break up.
There is nothing you can do to change their minds.