Before my boyfriend, I never had a healthy relationship with sex. I was molested at a young age, had nothing but perverted heart breaks in high school, and my relationship before my current boyfriend was a 2 pump chump who didn’t care about my pleasure. All of that to say, I have a huge disconnect between me and my body, and when I do get intimate, all of my attention goes towards pleasing the man and I have no consideration for my needs. I don’t even know how to explore what my needs are or could be.
My boyfriend knows about my sexual traumas and my fear of vulnerability, but I still very much enjoy having sex with him. He’s the best, and most comfortable partner I’ve ever had. But, the other day he said that he feels lonely with me, even when we are having sex, which caught me off guard .. but it makes sense.
Now I am overthinking everything. I don’t know how to reassure him, or how to heal myself from these hard wirings in my brain. I’m trying but I’m scared it’s not enough for him. He is hyper-sexual and I’m not and I’m scared he is going to inevitably find that we aren’t compatible because of this. How do I ease into fixing this without busting through the bedroom door like a pornstar?
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Backup of the post’s body: Before my boyfriend, I never had a healthy relationship with sex. I was molested at a young age, had nothing but perverted heart breaks in high school, and my relationship before my current boyfriend was a 2 pump chump who didn’t care about my pleasure. All of that to say, I have a huge disconnect between me and my body, and when I do get intimate, all of my attention goes towards pleasing the man and I have no consideration for my needs. I don’t even know how to explore what my needs are or could be.
My boyfriend knows about my sexual traumas and my fear of vulnerability, but I still very much enjoy having sex with him. He’s the best, and most comfortable partner I’ve ever had. But, the other day he said that he feels lonely with me, even when we are having sex, which caught me off guard .. but it makes sense.
Now I am overthinking everything. I don’t know how to reassure him, or how to heal myself from these hard wirings in my brain. I’m trying but I’m scared it’s not enough for him. He is hyper-sexual and I’m not and I’m scared he is going to inevitably find that we aren’t compatible because of this. How do I ease into fixing this without busting through the bedroom door like a pornstar?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
When you say he’s hypersexual…what do you mean? Is this a diagnosis from a doctor?
I would learn and work on how to please yourself first. Just you having a good time with yourself.
You gotta sit him down and have him explain in depth what he means cuz there’s just not enough info here
First you need to figure out what he means by he feels lonely. Lack of emotional connection? Lack of sexual consistency? Lack of companionship? Are you not spending enough time together for him? Are you not spending enough QUALITY time together for him? The possibilities here are endless and without knowing this, advice given wouldn’t be accurate.
I think you’re going to want to explore this with a therapist on your own. But I agree with the other comment to get more information and start there. Be open to his feedback and think on it.
It sounds like you’re aiming for a deeper, more connected experience during sex with your boyfriend. It’s easy for couples to slip into a “performance” or “sex mode” where communication drops off.
Making sex a fun, shared moment where you keep talking, laughing, and truly engaging with each other could be really helpful. This way, it feels less like two individuals performing and more like a shared, intimate experience.
Your boyfriend might be feeling a bit disconnected if he’s seeking that shared mindset and open communication, and perceives that you’re not entirely on the same page. Bringing that playful, conversational energy into sex could help bridge that gap and make him (and you!) feel more connected and less lonely in the moment.
personally, id sit him down and have a conversation with him. feeling lonely could mean many things, even something that has nothing to do with sex but more so in your relationship in general or even outside of your relationship. this would also be a good time to explore yourself and find out what your needs are to make sure they are met..
when i read this my first thought was possibly he feels that way during sex because you are so focused on pleasing him and not taking time for yourself that you may not be connecting with him the way he desires because of past trauma. this is not to put the blame on you at all whatsoever, but visiting a therapist to further work through your trauma would definitely be beneficial as long as you can find someone you are comfortable with talking to.
all in all, we need more context to really understand. dont overthink until you have a definitive reason to but be prepared for an important conversation as well.
Do you like maybe go blank during sex? Like basically turn off externally so he doesn’t feel that you are with him in the moment? Learn to really look him in the eyes, stay present, tell him how you like the look or feel or taste of a specific body part of his right now. How handsome he is, how masculine he is, how you love the look of his arms in this light. Brainstorm ideas ahead of time. Me and my partner take, like, massage breaks, like kind of come down a bit, and reconnect with intent. A scalp massage, feet massage, I love his happy sounds when I rub his feet, and the exchange of compliments is lovely. I think he’s also calming himself down because he wants to last longer. We both win.
Just ideas 🤷
I would suggest really talking to him about it. He should be asking you what he can do to help you feel more of a connection. And you can really open up and figure it out. If he’s a safe space like you say, he can help you explore. Have “appointments” where it’s all about you and nothing about him. I had to do this when I was in your position. Having something almost scheduled gave me time to think and breathe and prepare my mind and body. I started making it a ritual. I learned to let go of so many things I didn’t know was preventing me from enjoying myself and also what I was doing that was kinda a trauma response. I eventually found out what I like and don’t like. The hard part for me was letting go of the control I had by disassociating and just letting it be. Start small and start slow. If something is uncomfortable don’t make yourself do it just stop and move on. He needs to
Be ok with this and if he’s a good partner he will. Good luck and seek a therapist who work mainly with sexual trauma if you need to.