We’ve been together for five years and are just about to get engaged soon, I just picked my ring out.
When we first got together apparently he had genital warts the year before and a doc told him he had HPV. He conveniently never mentioned this to me and it came out like a year into us dating. He says he thought it wasn’t a big deal as the whole time we’ve been together he hasn’t had any symptoms (warts) and assumed his body cleared it. I felt like maybe he just didn’t want it to interfere with us having sex, but who knows. I was mad at first but our relationship was otherwise great and we’ve gone on to have a wonderful life together for years, I never showed any signs of it and I’d gotten the vaccine as a teenager. My doctor even said not to worry because of that.
Well, turns out I did get it anyway as my immune system is trash, it was a strain that is high risk for cancer and it turned into cervical cancer for me. I already have another condition that can cause infertility and now with this too, I am looking at huge medical bills, surgery/treatment that will possibly end with me infertile or needing a lot of medical intervention to get pregnant. I am stressed and honestly resentful that him not disclosing it 5 years has now led me to getting cancer, meanwhile he is healthy and fine. He is very supportive of me through this journey I just can’t help the feeling of resentment, but it’s hard to bring up because it is something I forgave him for already years ago.
Is this something I should just focus on trying to let go? I don’t know what to do
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Well you stayed after you found out. Kinda late to make a big deal about it now.
The real question for me would be if everything else is great, or if you have caught him in other lies as well. Or any other questionable behavior
Leave him… what else has he omitted on telling you? Focus on healing physically and mentally.
I think you have to bring it up. You’re going to have to have cancer treatments because of his stupidity, you’re feelings are hurt, and you’re going to be in pain. If you can’t talk to him about it then you really can’t say that he’s supportive can you?
The type of HPV that causes warts and the types that cause cervical cancer are different strains. If he wasn’t your only partner, no way to know who gave you HPV originally. That being said, his attitude about it and complete lack of support is more of the problem than anything.
Only you know if you can move past it. You chose to stay with him knowing you’d been exposed to HPV and potentially genital warts. That doesn’t change the fact that he withheld the truth from you and knowingly exposed you to these STDs. He broke your trust and the law. It’s a form of SA because you didn’t have all the information to consent to sex with him. For me, it’s a dealbreaker.
Its illegal to knowingly spread STDS go to the police??
Yeah girl, break up with him. You should have done it 4 years ago. Are you kidding me? Literally gave you cancer and you’re thinking about staying?
No.
It’s hard to say without knowing your full relationship – but withholding information like that is a huge deal.
Resentment is a huge killer of relationships, and I’m not sure how I would personally be able to stop resenting him for this without – at minimum – talking about it with him. It will be a hard conversation to have but resentment will only build over time.
This is life changing stuff. I personally feel like it’s above our paygrade on reddit. How would the two of you negotiate infertility and huge medical bills? Has he always been the type of guy to lie by omission to get what he wants? Are there other instances of it? Would he support you financially as well as emotionally and physically if you need to have chemo and can’t work?
Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist, almost all hospitals in the US (I have no idea what country you’re from) have therapy available to people newly diagnosed with cancer.
I think that maybe discussing it in a safe environment, like couples counseling, may be a good idea.
Tbf, though, I’m shocked that he didn’t know better about sexual health at 26 years old.
this is crazy…?? hiding an std is rape. someone giving me an std would be unforgivable. someone knowingly giving me an std that caused me to get cancer would make me homicidal and seek legal action
Wow… his selfishness could quite literally kill you. What an absolute dickhead. I could never forgive someone for doing what he did.
Common misconception but forgiveness is not a single act.
Forgiveness is ongoing and active. Toward the beginning, it demands more attention, but over time you heal. However, old wounds get sore and forgiveness is tested again. It is okay, and healthy, to bring up hurt and frustration. His dishonesty had a ripple effect, and to ignore the damage as it comes will only hurt you more. Why do you have to suffer in silence while he thinks everything is fine? Talk. About. It.
This isnt advice you asked for but…. he seems like a bad dude. You can seem nice and “amazing” but if you fail to disclose a health condition that has super negative consequences for someone else, your core values are selfish. When put in a situation where he could’ve lost sex with you, he chose to lie by omission to continue getting what he wants. That’s a huge problem. Im surprised you stayed another 4 years.
He needs to pay your medical bills, He caused this.
Sorry but I would not marry someone who gave me cancer
What do you mean let it go? He lied to you. Withheld medical information that would affect you. Infected you with an std. and now you have cancer because of HIM. Have some self respect and dump him. I’d sue him for not disclosing it and make him pay all the medical bills. He knowingly put your health at risk. That is unforgivable.
Oh babe 🙁
How are people so incredibly uneducated about STD’s, safe sex and what constitutes a good person?
What in the actual fuck?
Honestly you should leave his ass and concentrate on beating cancer…
I have no answers as to what you should do with your relationship, but I have advice regarding the HPV.
There is a supplement called AHCC, google it if you like. It’s amazing for your immune system and will help your body fight the infection on its own. The therapeutic dose is around 3000 mg daily. I know that it did work really well for me. I’m sure there are better or worse brands but to be honest I got the cheapest/best value on Amazon. I had pre cancerous cells and mine cleared up. It’s definitely worth looking into and trying.
The strain the causes warts is considered a low risk strain and is likely not the same strain that caused cervical cancer. There are many different strains of HPV and there are no valid ways to test men for it, of course genital warts are easily diagnosed however men are carriers and spreaders of the types that cause cervical cancer and thus there would be no way to know. Highly recommend you discuss the facts with your gyn, I believe they can test the actual strain it was.
Are you fucking serious? Is your self esteem really that low?
He has proven you can’t trust him. If you stay with him one more day you almost deserve to be miserable.
Do better. Because you deserve better.
Are you saying that you shouldn’t feel resentful because his silence may have killed you? Not a good look on him.
He purposely gave it to you to trap you. What woman would say yes to getting HPV? If he was honest with every woman he met he would be single for the rest of his life so of course he had to lie.
He played with your life and you under reacted. You should be angry.
I’m so sorry this happened to you 🙁
If he’s asymptomatic, how did he find out he has it? HPV isn’t part of a standard STD test, you have to test for it separately.
Former carer of a cancer patient here.
You have no way of knowing that “he gave you cancer”. That’s not how HPV and cancer works. You don’t know he gave you cancer, you’re seeking something to blame, which is a very common thing after cancer diagnosis. It is possible he increased your risk of cancer, but many things increase risks of various cancers.
What he did was wrong but he and you accepted it and moved on.
You should focus on processing your grief and accepting this.
Part of that probably does involve a conversation about the feelings you’re having, and ultimately how he responds to that is important.
You need to accept it isn’t anyone’s “fault” you got cancer, and he needs to understand that our feelings don’t define us and he needs to support you even whilst you struggle to process this.
Best of luck on your cancer journey, wherever it takes you OP.
Out of curiosity, why would you stay with someone who gave you an STI knowing they had it? It’d be one thing if he didn’t know, but he was fully aware that he had it.
Oh, I’d be pissed! A friend of mine is battling cervical cancer for a second time bc it spread to the other organs in her belly and is inoperable. Your bf didn’t give a fuck enough about you and your health to wear a condom. Why should you give a fuck about him at all? That’s a huge violation of trust, and frankly, leaving out that he 0s when you’re sexually active is breakup worthy.
Just so you know – the wart strains are highly unlikely to cause cancer. It sounds like you were given the cancer causing strains by either your current partner or someone else in the past.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like this is far above Reddit’s pay grade. I do think his nondisclosure was terrible, as he did not give you the power to make an informed decision, but if he gave you the cancer causing strain there was almost no way of him knowing he had it considering there is no HPV testing for men. He would only have realized he had it via having a breakout- which are not normally caused by the same strains that cause cancer. It was, however, his responsibility to inform you that he had a strain before you were intimate, whether or not it was a cancer causing one.
SUE HIM
Someone who had a contagious condition and didn’t mention it is not looking out for you.
I cannot imagine staying with him after something like that..
80% of sexually active adults have been exposed to some form of HPV. The strains most likely to cause genital warts are not the same as the ones most associated with cervical cancer. Since condoms do not protect against HPV, the only way to be 100% protected is to never have sex. Cervical cancer, even the most aggressive forms, takes several years to develop. You should have been getting Pap tests from the age of 21 and early changes should have been picked up and followed/treated as appropriate. Are you sure it’s actually cancer and not high-grade SIL? I am a gynecologist and frequently have patients tell me they had cervical cancer, only to find on record review that they had some form of SIL.
Tbh, I’d be pissed as hell. Like, yeah you “forgave” him, but that was when it was just a virus you maybe had, not when it literally turned into cancer and could wreck your ability to have kids. He made a choice to hide something that directly affected your health and now you are the one paying the price for it, in every possible way.
It’s not about holding a grudge forever but acting like you should just suck it up cuz it’s “in the past” feels unfair. Resentment is kinda inevitable here. Therapy might help but I wouldn’t just sweep it under the rug for his comfort.
outside of the warts, there is currently no way to actually diagnose amab ppl with HPV – and if it is one of the low risk strains as other commenters have mentioned it likely was, then there is a very high chance that it DID go away (low risk strains typically regress within a year, around 90%+ chance of this happening). not having the warts means there’s no chance for drs or him to know if he still had it. while i do understand that if he was previously symptomatic and had no way to check if he had it or not after his symptoms went away, it would have been best for him to be upfront about his history in general.
i think ur current feelings and understandable anxiety and stress from having cervical cancer might be why u are feeling this way perhaps, but logically speaking, there is no way to actually link his previous diagnosis with ur cancer diagnosis (hpv can lay dormant for up to 10 years – if u had ANY sexual partners before him, they very likely could have given it to u too).
his non-disclosure about hpv was not wholly unreasonable considering the lack of symptoms and unfortunate inability to test, as well as it having been a year post diagnosis before u saw each other.
i think personally, that u should seek therapy – for the resentment and also possibly to figure out ways to help cope with ur feelings surrounding ur cancer diagnosis. it is a really confronting thing to face, but also know that while it may impact fertility, there is also a chance it won’t – it is the recurrence and possible repeated surgeries that really up the risk of infertility, and cervical cancer is one of the slower growing ones. take a deep breath and focus on the now – even though this is a stressful time, u have a supportive partner, and u caught the cancer now rather than later, which increases ur chances of being okay.
Public Service Announcement:
Please get vaccinated. Also, regular Pap smears.
I got hpv in 2008. I had my insides frozen with liquid nitrogen twice. Was told I would be infertile as a result. Went through fertility testing with my ex and was told I had undetermined infertility three years ago. I recently found out I am pregnant! Please stay positive about the fertility ❤️
Therapy, unless you can prove it was intentional that he didn’t tell you there is nothing that can be done about him. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.
Talk to a couples’ therapist together. It will help to have a mediator for the tough but necessary conversation about his direct culpability in your suffering. If you don’t have the conversation it will fester in your heart. He’s only human; if he has any feelings at all he already feels guilty, and he might try to shut the conversation down to protect himself. A professional will be able to help you both navigate how you feel, and what you need to move forward.
Do not marry a man who gave no fucks about your reproductive health! Wtf?
Break up with him and focus on healing.
You want to get past this blame thing, right?. Ok.
He told you after a year – and you could have got tested then but you decided not to because you thought your vaccination status etc would keep you safe. You decided, upon discovering you’d had sex with a HPV carrier, not to go and get tested.
Now that you’ve developed cancer years later, you can’t really point back to his deception, because you took ownership of your situation after he’d confessed, and still decided not to get tested.
I really hope you recover from this terrible thing, and that hopefully your fertility won’t be compromised.
Im curious, how many of you have told someone or had someone tell you that you/they have hpv? I’ve had sex with an awful lot of people (will probably delete this later, lol), probably over 200. Statistically, more than half of them should’ve told me that they had some form if hpv or hsv. I have had one guy tell me that he had hsv-1, no one else has said anything at all about carrying those viruses. What I take from this is that I’m exposing myself when I have sex with people. They may or may not know they have it (and they probably don’t with hpv, isn’t it true that men cannot get tested, so the only time they can know for sure is if they get warts? and the ones that cause warts are the benign ones anyway?), but I know that any time i expose myself to them there is around a 50% chance that they do (probably higher because 45% of adults in the US test positive for hpv, 50% for hsv-1 and 12% for hsv-2.
I can’t imagine blaming someone else given the possibilities I’m allowing for here.
I understand that OP probably hasn’t had sex with 200 people, but the chances are still high enough that unless he tells her he’s never played with anyone, it’s a crap shoot.
I’m not a doctor nor do I know enough about HPV to comment on your belief that he gave you cancer.
That said, I wouldn’t be able to move past a partner withholding information about having a STI. The relationship began with dishonesty and a disregard for your health. He should have disclosed, and then you could have decided on how you wanted to proceed. But he took that choice away from you. That is a huge red flag.
Most people have HPV, its highly transmissible and even a wart on your hand common in childhood can be given to someone else through skin to skin contact. So if you’re sexually active, just assume you’ve been exposed because you probably have been. It’s not really worth trying to figure out when and where, focus now is on next steps for your health. Wishing you the best, I’ve been struggling with abnormal paps and invasive procedures from this for over a decade and it’s hell.
PS: everyone get that vaccine! You can get it through age 45 and even if you’ve been exposed, its worth it.
You had the vaccine and still got cancer. This is a life path event for you. However horrible and unpleasant this experience is… it’s pushing you towards your future.
You can rescind forgiveness 🤷🏻♀️