So from the beginning, I always thought they had a weirdly close relationship, her going to bed on the couch offering us her bed for the night. She’d step into the bathroom while I was showering and calling his name (sometimes I was alone, and the door would slam shut. When we showered together she’d linger).
Years ago, when we started getting serious and also after we starting living together, we divulged traumas and also got to know each other better. We always comforted each other but if I’m honest, it was mostly me talking and he had hidden a lot from me.
He’s told me before some stories from his childhood that are.. not the greatest. Parentification. Possible grooming. Definitely worse.
His mom’s an alcoholic, hard core. She admits it herself, and begs for alcohol sometimes in the morning if she’s run out because she’ll get the shakes. Growing up she would get black out drunk and covered in vomit so he would take care of her. Some nights he’d leave bra and panties on while he put her in the shower or just changed her, and put her to bed. Some nights she stripped and was a risk to herself and needed supervision/help in the shower to wash, change, then get to bed.
Now I learned recently (last year while he was 31M, her late 50sF) they have had a more…. Inappropriate relationship than just son taking care of drunk mom. I have seen videos he’s taken on his phone of her touching, with her hands and mouth, sometimes she’s naked and sometimes in a bra. There were multiple videos. And he’s always finishing on her.
I confronted him and he told me all that backstory and more from when he was growing up I won’t repeat, I said I would help him get help because he cried to me and I felt it’s grooming, right? He seemed sincere and wanted help. I felt so sorry as a victim of CSA myself, I wanted to be there for my love.
But, excuses kept popping up and he’d refuse any counselor or therapist that I could find. He’d ignore my attempts to ask about going to his doctor for a referral. Id get brushed off and he even started to refuse to admit that the conversation we had where he admitted those videos were taken happened.
Now this year, a few months ago I saw he took brand new videos on his phone with his mom. I can tell they’re new because she moved recently, and it’s her new bed she’s sitting on in the videos. Also, the date on the videos. I confronted him again, and he denied the videos exist. I tried to show proof and I was gentle at first, trying to reassure him I’m here to help. He still refused to admit that the videos I saw were real.
I don’t know if it’s a fetish at this point or not, but I can’t handle him cheating let alone cheating with his mother. I guess I’m asking if it’s okay if I just leave and ghost him? Do I leave a note? Do I do it face to face? I have no clue. We were talking about getting married and we did live together at one point before becoming long distance for my own personal reasons. I can’t move back in with him knowing all this and just need help.
TLDR: My (28F) bf (32M) had been groomed by his mother while he grew up. He still does inappropriate nsfw things with her that he takes video of after I found out and tried to get him therapy/doctor help. How do I leave? Can I leave?
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Girl if you don’t leave that man with the quickness!
What a terrible day to be literate
Yep you can . He’s in an incestuous relationship and clearly doesn’t want to change . If you want to go nuclear maybe get a copy of the videos and had to police she if you can get here away . He isn’t changing also you need to get tested . Good luck and get some therapy for you self after this
Honestly, make him go to therapy. To be completely blunt, even tho will sound selfish, some people cant be fixed and i think you should go and never look back.
What in a Brady Hartfield…
UpdateMe!
It has been almost fine years. That man already is deeply scarred. Adding to that seems unnecessary. A partner just vanishing can be a traumatic experience that can make it difficult to trust others to stay. I’d talk to him.
Ghosting is for situations where talking puts you at risk. He does not seem to be dangerous.
Grooming is for situations where one party is too young or otherwise impaired. He’s a grown man. Might be a form of abuse, might be a manifestation of his trauma, might be a fetish, but I don’t think it’s about grooming.
Yeah, just go.
I want to rip my own eyes out.
You absolutely need to leave but damn…poor guy.
I honestly don’t know if it’s a fetish or grooming / long-term CSA(? Idk what to even call this) but regardless of the outcome you cannot be in a relationship with this man.
He has shown you he cannot communicate about this. There is simply no way forward. If you stay with him your accepting this will be your life and it will only get worse.
You have tried to help him, however the really unfortunate reality is that you can’t. You can support him getting help if he was to choose that perhaps; however that is a decision he must make on his own and nothing you do will really change that.
First of all WHAT THE EFF DID I JUST READ???
Girl LEAVE
And when you do call the police because this is the most messed up thing ive read on reddit.
This is not normal, this is abuse. Hes clearly vulnerable being a child abuse victim but the mom needs to go to jail. Absolutely methed up.
Omg. My stomach hurt reading this. You‘ve got to be crazy if you even think about staying with him. Put an end to this and let them do their thing. He‘s grown and doesn‘t seem to hate whatever is going on between him and his mom. Can‘t believe people like them are real wow. Is this post even real i can‘t believe people like that exist😭
How is this real? This reads as some fetish incest kink bullshit. You’re supposedly almost thirty years old and you don’t know that you actually can just walk away? Why would you need to post on Reddit and ask random strangers if you can fucking do something?
Lulz.
My advice is to seek professional assistance as you clearly have a brain issue.
“in appropriate” girl it’s a full blown inscestous relationship, he’s choosing to continue this path, he’s 32. Sure CSA and Grooming it’s not his fault but he’s not stopping.
You cannot help someone who doesn’t want help.
Not only is he cheating on you with his mother but now he’s gaslighting and REFUSING to get help… Girl run.
I think this one is well beyond Reddit’s pay grade in regards as to how to get your partner help.
However. Yes, you’re well within your right to leave. I personally would as well if he’s denied hard evidence and back pedalled all help despite admitting the truth.
Good luck to all of you.
Yes. You leave. Immediately. Here’s what you say (or write, if you prefer to ghost after):
“I saw the videos. I know this is still happening. I tried to help, I gave you chances to seek real support, and you refused. This is beyond anything I can carry. I’m done. Don’t contact me again. Be well”
You owe him nothing. He’s not just a victim anymore, he’s making active choices. You protect yourself now. Pack your things, block him, tell a friend for safety. That’s it. You’re free.
I am so happy that you are leaving. You tried. Go home and heal. Update me.
I’d be upset if you didn’t ghost him!
What he’s been doing isn’t just cheating, it’s a complete severance of any natural boundaries.
Ghost him, tell people who ask questions, but for the love of god, get out of there! It’s become quite obvious that he doesn’t want it to stop!
Also, for the sake of your sanity and the GARGANTUAN ick factor, end it.
He and his mother are codependent in addition to her long term abuse, and he doesn’t want to change. The best thing you could do is to tell him why you’re leaving. But if you don’t feel safe talking to him, then just make arrangements and leave. This is super heavy and maybe it would help you to unload to a therapist for a while ( because it’s tough to process stuff like this alone).
Don’t ghost. It’s a 4.5 year relationship. Be an adult and say you can’t keep doing this… he needs help… you hope he gets it… he deserved a better mother than the one her got… he owes it to himself to get help… you can be a sounding board abut nothing else… you wish him happiness in life.
Just a little common decency for a person who got really unlucky in the parent lottery.
You tried to help, he refused all reasonable attempts. Yes you can and should leave. What he’s experienced is horrible but you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves.
This is gross…I really need to wear my glasses…
I read this: “When we showered together she’d linger…”
As this: “When we showered together she’d finger…”
🤮🤮🤮
Yeaaaah. Gotta blast.
Leave a short note so he knows you’ve left and not went missing. 3 lines. I have left. I won’t be back. Do not try to contact me.
Girl what?? He’s an adult now so atp it’s on purpose and he doesn’t want help. This is way too much to be your responsibility. Yes ghost him and never speak to him again. This is disgusting. 🤢
Updateme
The question isn’t how or can, the question should be when. The answer is NOW. Parent-child incest is illegal in all states.
Leave now. Take what you can. Then head to the police station and tell them what you know, saw, and show any proof you have.