We just moved in together last week, and he immediately wanted to jump into a 2 week long roadtrip. Well, we’re a week in, and I’m wondering if I take a flight home.
It started so stupid. We were listening to that song that says “amber is the color of your energy”. And I jokingly told him his color, I said something nice and then asked what mine was. Just random roadtrip conversation. He told me mine was red because I’m fucking mean. This kinda confused me as we hadn’t been fighting at all, and I said something nice. When I brought up why I’m a little confused and off put by the comment, it lead to him screaming at me to shut the fuck up multiple times. He dropped me off at a beach, I didn’t want to get out of the vehicle because I had no service. He left me there and picked me back up an hour later and we sat in silence until our next destination. We arrived and he went to go bike off without me, I asked him if he’s going to apologize. He told me no, where’s his apology, I ruined his entire day. He also told me I’m in a beautiful place and I’m so ungrateful and anything he does will never be enough for me. Mind you I have never said a single word about the location and have no problems with the vacation spot of choice. The only issue I had initially was the “fucking mean” comment as it came from nowhere and took me off guard. Which lead to him screaming “shut the fuck up”.
We’ve been together 6 years and it feels like we’ve reached a point with tons of resentment. It’s like we love each other and there’s history but it feels empty. And the longer time goes the more clouded it feels. He used to never call me names but in recent months he’s called me a bitch, a jackass and more. I don’t feel respected. I’ll also say something serious, just trying to talk to him, and he’ll mock the sentence and even the same tone.
Now I’m sitting here in this beautiful location and all I can think about is flying home. And wondering if moving in was a huge mistake with the recent disrespect. I’ve uprooted my entire life to live with him and we just signed a lease. If he was willing to talk and work on things I would, but every time I mention something I’m having an issue with im met with anger and somehow it’s always turned around on me. Shut the fuck up, I’m ungrateful, all I do is bitch. Screaming and a huge fight. I don’t have this issue with anyone else in my life. No other relationships, friendships, or with any family members. I don’t and have never had this toxic of a dynamic with anybody else. And I’m left here wondering if I’m crazy, if I’m ungrateful, if I’m allowed to be concerned or say anything about off comments. Is it normal to just listen to a partner say “you’re fucking mean” or “shut the fuck up”? Maybe I’m too sensitive? I’m feeling so lost and can’t do anything about it. He’s left to go bike ride and said he doesn’t want to talk to me the rest of today as I’ve ruined his day.
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I’m really really sorry that happens to you. It sounds like he’s taking you for granted and it is so hard to tell because i’m not you and i don’t know every detail but i think some time apart may help you get some clarity on how your feeling. And it may cause him to either snap out of taking you for granted, or figure out what he really wants from the relationship because right now he is pushing you away and it is cruel. I think you should go home and i don’t think staying will really do any favours.
You are not too sensitive. Please leave this man. If you can afford it, fly home, pack your things, and leave him for good. I have never had anyone speak to me like that nor have I ever spoken this way to another person. This is verbal abuse and scary as hell. This is giving me Gabby Petito vibes. I am truly scared for you.
Imagine this happened to your best friend. What would you tell her to do?
I walked way from a six year relationship and it was one of the hardest but best things I ever did. I’ve never been happier and I am thankful every day that I don’t have to live with a man telling me off like I’m a child.
Why would you spend two more seconds with this person. I wouldn’t stay with anyone that spoke to me like that, and I wouldn’t expect anyone to stay with me if I talked to them like that.
He screamed at you and then left you alone at a place without reception to punish you for “making him mad”. That was reckless behaviour and you should NOT marry him. He has anger issues, and it’s better you found out now than after marriage/having kids with him.
Break the lease—any monetary consequence now is worth it to leave him. You don’t want to pay with your life the next time he gets angry at you.
Yes, you should fly home asap if possible. It would be great if he would return from his bike ride and find you gone. I’m a little worried about your safety if you were to announce to him that you are flying home.
You are not crazy or ungrateful, he probably planned this, or at the very minimum thought he could get away with it because you are vulnerable being away from home, plus you just signed a lease, and he was calling you names before that, but he’s escalating now because he knows it’s that much harder for you to leave. Abusive men almost never change because the abuse benefits them too much.
It would be preferable if you can fly home, get home, pack up your things, either get some help moving or just take the minimum stuff but be sure not to be there when he gets home. He hasn’t escalated to physical abuse (they don’t always – my ex was just verbally abusive), but for some reason my fear sensors are activating here. Maybe it’s because of how he escalated when you are vulnerable and away from home.
Do you have friends or family you can stay with? You might want to call a domestic violence hotline to confirm your plans and they may tell you additional information I have missed.
He’s got a girlfriend
The SUNK COST FALLACY in relationships refers to the tendency to stay in a relationship, not because it’s fulfilling or healthy, but because of the time, effort, and emotional investment already put into it. Essentially, individuals feel they’ve “come too far” to leave, even if the relationship is no longer enjoyable or beneficial.
Put yourself back on the market for a new fiance. Maybe one that likes you.
He is a horrible person, and moving is was a huge mistake. He is verbally (and probably emotionally) abusive. This is who you will be stuck with for life, if you choose to stay with him.
It sounds like it may take you a little time to move out. Do you make enough money to be able to put money aside to eventually move out? Do you live in an area with a DV shelter? Even though he is not physically assaulting you, most have support groups for people experiencing any type of abusive relationship. This would help you to develop a support system.
If his verbal abuse escalates to threats, try to record him. Keep texts as well. You will have evidence of how he is treating you. The reason is that if he threatens to harm you, that can be enough to get an order of protection, and get you out of the lease (since the two of you would not be able to live in the same place).
What he said was mean. He’s the ah and if I were you I’d fly home pack up and leave.
I’d change my phone number and ghost him. Let him stew in what happened.
One thing I’ve noticed about men who start fights out of thin air, is they’re usually cheating. You’d be better off without him.
Get a flight home now, if you can. Please be careful and take care.
How many more red flags do you need?
I can GUARANTEE OP’s entire family and friend group hate this guy, and they’ve been secretly praying for the day they break up. If I were OP, I’d get on a plane, go home, cancel the lease, pay to get out of it, pack up all her stuff, and go stay with family. I wouldn’t talk to this guy about anything except logistics. And when she’s got that sorted, I’d block him everywhere.
She’s wasting her time with someone who is just going to treat her worse every bit of time that passes.
Wow, he’s trash. Dump him and fly home!
It’s not normal or acceptable to talk to your significant other the way he talked to you!
You said that “in recent months” he’s started calling you names. Why the hell did you move in with him a week ago?!?
Where do you go? Away from this abusive ah jerk. It only gets worse. He showed you his true character and what he thinks of you, which is not much.
Go home.
Pack up your stuff, and don’t be there when he gets back. This man does not respect or even like you very much. He abandoned you in a strange place with no way of getting help, and that’s unforgivable.
His behavior is inappropriate and quite frankly, abusive This is the stuff my ex used to do to me. The abuse only got worse over time.
Fly home and move out. He is bad news. You deserve better.
I’d leave today. However, if you’re stuck with him for the rest of the trip, share your location with someone at all times.
When you get home, get your ducks in a row and leave without telling him or hinting you might do so. Move — to a different area if possible to reduce the odds of him running into you. Tell your job that if he contacts them they’re to give no info whatsoever and they’re never to indicate whether you’re there or not. Cut off mutual friends if they say anything, and never let any of them know where you’ve moved (even if you think they can be trusted).
Block him everywhere. No exceptions.
You aren’t a partner anymore. You’re a victim. Go.
I agree with everyone who is telling you to fly home now. You might be able to get out of your lease because verbal abuse is domestic abuse/DV. I think some states have laws that let you get out of a lease under those circumstances. Talk to your landlord– they might just be a nice person who lets you out of the lease. It would be best if you could get your things out or at least your most important things before your fiancé gets back from the trip. I know he’s just been verbally abusive and not physically abusive, but that is a slippery slope and the most dangerous time is when you leave an abusive partner.
Does your BF have a secret addiction or issue where being with you prevented him from getting a fix – hence the completely manufactured aggression and argument.
He was able to come back and get you after he got whatever he needed to get. Now he’s being mean and pissy to give himself a reason to be alone.
This is some scary abusive behavior and you should run away and don’t look back. He’s into something that you probably don’t want to be a part of. While you’re alone and away from home together he’s realizing that he has a serious problem.
This is not your responsibility. He is not yours to fix. The moment he got abusive was the exact second you became absolved of carrying him in any way. Whatever he has going on it’s been prioritized way ahead of you.
Fly home, pack your shit, get out, and let him figure out the consequences of his actions.
Fly home, pack up and get out of there.
It is quite common for abusers to act nice until their partner is “trapped”, either having moved in together, pregnant, married or by financial ties. I urge you to trust that he is showing you who he is. And no, there is now way to understand or excuse this behaviour. This behaviour is unthinkable to normal people. Please get out of this situation, ideally without giving him any notice at all. As others have said, any monetary loss is of less concern than the loss of your life.