I’m feeling really conflicted about this and need to get it off my chest. In some ways, my husband is great and I feel like we’re really well suited for each other. In other ways, I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t care anymore. He has a lot of trouble communicating, and our early relationship was plagued with dishonesty on his part from being conflict avoidant. He’s been working on that pretty consistently, but it feels like when I communicate my needs or how something hurtful makes me feel, it takes absurdly long to notice any amount of effort. I don’t expect instant change at all, but I really just want to see effort. It seems like I communicate something, he agrees, nothing happens, a few months go by and then I get upset (crying, feeling extremely hurt), and THEN something might change.
For context, he’s mildly autistic (so I know I have to be explicit in communications, I don’t drop hints, etc). But this came to a head the other night. I’ve been very explicitly clear in wanting him to offer to spend time with me if I’m hurting, and not having to ask for it. This has been a recurring argument throughout our relationship, and each time he promises to do better.
All that long exposition and context to say it came to a head the other night. A close relative passed away the other night, and I was really wishing he would offer to spend some time with me, as I was grieving. Instead, he left me by myself after finding out to go take care of some chores, and then told me he was going to reach out to some friends to see if they wanted to game the next night. I got upset at this, and then he offered to stay, but the next night rolls around, and he asks AGAIN if I would mind if he went and gamed with his friend. I just felt like I shouldn’t have to sit him down and explain why this is hurtful twice in the span of 24 hours. He apologized afterwards, but it doesn’t feel genuine as he’s getting really defensive saying “he didn’t actually act on it” so I shouldn’t be bothered. Something about this just felt like an awakening point for me. I already feel so numb and disappointed each time he fails to communicate with me, but this time, as I’m grieving, felt like too much. I don’t want to be around him, and he doesn’t seem sorry. How do I approach this with him?
TLDR: my husband keeps trying to leave me by myself to go game after my relative passed away. Where do I go from here?
Comments
It sounds like he doesn’t understand what grief is, at least by your experience. Other than “spending time” with you, how else would he help or make you feel better? I think more explicit communication is needed.
Your husband is autistic, sure. But he’s also an AH.
The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
I couldn’t forgive that. You only just found out and you aren’t his priority? What is the point of marriage if it isn’t supporting each other through the worst times?
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss.
You’ve been very, very clear. He doesn’t care.
If you offer a trial separation to see how things feel when apart, you may get lots more promises to change. If he’ll actually change – or if you have the capacity to give a fuck anymore – only time will tell.
I don’t think he is sorry.
Your disappointment is natural.
His intentions matter, and so do his actions.
I mean, I have to wonder, this was him before?
Has there been any growth in emotional maturity or responsiveness to you?
What would you want, if this is the most you can expect from him? Would it look like not being together, or would it look like you getting support outside the marriage?
You either keep having the same conversations over and over, recognize this is how he operates and accept it, or leave.
You don’t want to have to explicity ask for what you need, even when it seems obvious, and yet he’s unable/ unwilling to give you what you need unless you explicity demand it. You’ve had many conversations about this with him and he’s not changing – so you either accept him as he is or decide too many of your needs are going unmet and leave. You can’t change someone – they have to want to change.
A person’s words tell you who it is he wants you to think he is.
His actions show you who he really is: who he puts his time, effort, and energy into being.
This:
> It seems like I communicate something, he agrees, nothing happens, a few months go by and then I get upset (crying, feeling extremely hurt), and THEN something might change.
…is a classic pattern:
You communicate something that you need. That lets him know that you have the need, but since he doesn’t care about your need, and your need isn’t currently costing him anything,
Nothing changes; he continues on just as he has been, until
You get upset (crying and so forth), at which point suddenly there’s a cost to him: when you’re upset and crying, you aren’t the fun-all-the-time wife who takes care of things and is otherwise not an imposition on him. Suddenly your feelings are getting in the way of what he wants, so…
He makes some minor changes. Not because he actually wants to change, but because he wants you to shut up, stop crying and get back to being the fun-all-the-time wife who takes care of things and is otherwise not an imposition on him. And then, eventually,
Once the pressure is off, and you’re not crying any more, he has no reason to continue with changed behavior, and so he reverts to indifference.
This pattern has repeated itself multiple times during your relationship.
It’s not going to get any better.
This is the person he is, because this is the person he chooses to be.
So where you go from here is:
You decide whether the future that you want to live in is one that has this pattern repeated over, and over, and over.
If it is, then congratulations, and stop letting this bother you even a little bit ever again.
If it’s not, well, the thing is that you cannot have a partnership that meets your needs if you don’t have a partner who is willing to meet your needs.
I mean I feel like the dishonesty and shit early on was a big red flag you just chose to avoid and now it’s biting you in the ass. If you need someone more available and attentive to your needs you should have known this wasn’t him long ago. Either get used to feeling this way or leave.
So how you’re feeling makes a lot of sense to me. To ask a partner for support and care and then to not get it, is definitely hurtful. But I’d approach things from a more objective perspective
You need to understand what he understands. For example, have you asked him, “what do you hear when I say I’m hurting or need support?” I’d also ask, “when I tell you I need some support and care, what do you try to do to help with that?” “What does support and emotional care look like to you? Do you do that for yourself? How does it work? Etc” My fear is since he’s a man and autistic, he might legitimately not know how to be emotionally present with someone, to hold space for them and care for them. A good place to start would be, what emotional care do you do for yourself and then show him how to do some of that for you. Assuming that’s the issue of course.
Another possibility is, he himself is emotionally dysregulated and cannot create space for you and your emotions. Gaming is dope and I love it but like anything else, it can be used in a way to numb yourself to emotions. It’s possible he’s overwhelmed that he’s letting you down and doesn’t know what to do which is frustrating and then just runs to the game cuz that’s where things make sense and he can feel better about himself.
Regardless, I unfortunately think you’ll need to do some emotional regulation yourself then address this situation very objectively.
It’s not about gaming it’s about feeling emotionally abandoned. You deserve care when you’re hurting.