I have two daughters. The eldest is two years old, and the youngest is five months old. My husband passed away when she was one month old. He really was the love of my life. We had been married for three years, and he was not only a wonderful husband, but an amazing father too. I can only be grateful he was able to be with our youngest daughter before he passed, even if she won’t ever remember it.
But it has been very difficult for me. While I had a relatively easy birth, she is very fussy. And already having an older child, that makes it so much more difficult. I keep getting mastitis, and the baby is just so fussy about feeding, which makes it worse. She’ll refuse, and then cry because she’s hungry, and that makes me want to cry too.
She’s still waking in the night and crying, she cries when I’m not holding her, she cries because she won’t sleep and becomes overtired, and she’s started teething, which has made it so much worse. All it is all day is crying and crying and crying, and I still have to be looking after my eldest daughter as well, but it feels like I don’t get to do anything with her because of the baby. I hate it. It’s very overwhelming.
Before my husband passed, he was the one who usually took the children to see his parents. Although they don’t like me, they love them a lot. They have never liked me. I knew that, especially when we became married. They thought I had forced him into it, because we were quite young for the standards of their country and what is normal, and where I’m from, it was normal. However, we both decided to because we knew we were to get married at some point, and we may as well have done it when we felt it was right, instead of waiting for the sake of it.
They always thought that I was a manipulator, that I had all this control over him and was making him do whatever I want. For example, our children had my family names as middle names, and they felt that it was unfair and I did not get that right to do that, and I had overstepped when it came to that. Very stupid things like that. But I would avoid them, and it was mostly something that could be managed.
Now, I do not know what to do. I know that it’s important that our children are close to both sides of our families. And having the eldest daughter looked after by them, that really does help. I didn’t need that before, but now they have offered to, I am grateful for that. I know they take good care of her. But it’s the way they act towards me.
If the baby is crying, they would say that never happened when my husband visited with her. If my older daughter is having a tantrum because she’s tired, it’s that my husband knew how to get her to bed on time and that never happened when he was looking after her. Every time it’s always about what I’m doing wrong and I’m a terrible mother, and I’m useless without him.
I’m doing everything I can. I’m not a good mother. I know that. But I don’t need to be told that. And if I could choose, I would not see them at all, but I both need their help, and I know it would be wrong to separate them from their grandparents when they already have lost their father. But even being around them for a few minutes, it makes me feel so much worse. It’s like they know everything I’m upset about and point it out on purpose, and I don’t really know what to do.
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Tell them you are doing your best given your present circumstances. That there is no way one person can do perfectly what 2 people used to do. And that they should be thankful their son married when he did or they might have had no grandchildren to remember him by.
Be gentle to yourself. You are processing a lot and so are his parents. It is ok to set some boundaries and be treated with respect. You are grieving.
I don’t know where you live but I would caution you about establishing grandparents’ rights. I would hope they would not be so devious as to pursue but I can’t answer that.
Is there anyone else that can help with your daughters from time to time so you can get a break? Until they can be kind to you, you need boundaries. As your daughters grow they will think how the grandparents treat you is acceptable. Again, set the boundaries now.
UpdateMe
Are the parents of OP still alive and in a position to assist with the children?
First. I’m so sorry that your husband is no longer here. You are actually phenomenal. I was reading this and thinking what an amazing woman. Truly. And. You are a good mother. It’s not your fault you have a fussy baby. I read your love in every sentence. What they are doing is not okay. They’re putting you down during the time when they should be lifting you up and your children hear it. So. I would sit down with them and say…. We are all grieving and we all wish he was here. I am very grateful for your help with x, but I can’t have our children hearing that I am not good enough. Please. Don’t put me down in front of them and understand that I am doing the best I can after losing my husband, your son. I want our children to have as much family in their lives as possible. He was a wonderful husband and father and we all miss him beyond words. I’m asking you to lift us up and that includes your words about me.
Use your own words but make it clear that you won’t tolerate them saying anything negative about you. They can remember him as a good father without saying that you are not a good mother.
I’m really sorry that you have this extra burden to deal with and I know that it will be a hard conversation but it needs to be had. Not just for you, but for your children.
I’m so sorry about your loss. Do you you have any people in your corner who can help out? Your own family, friends? You need people who completely support you.
That will help with putting up boundaries. I understand everything is super hard now and standing up for yourself is difficult, that’s why you need support. Might be easier now to grey rock a lot.
I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. Now that your husband and their son is gone it’s probably appropriate for you to have a heart to heart conversation with your in-laws. Without your husband, you need their support more than ever. Not just for your children, but for a good relationship. Let them know it’s time to put aside past issues and move forward together. That includes them not commenting on your parenting in a negative manner. When they talk about how wonderful your husband was with the kids it can be them honoring his memory in a ham-handed way. But let them know you are struggling and you need their love and support. I wish you the very best OP.