We’ve been together for about 2 years and things are really good between us. She brought up moving in together next month when my lease is up and while I love the idea of taking that next step, I’m genuinely concerned about our completely different approaches to money.
She’s very spontaneous with purchases like she’ll buy a $200 jacket because she “fell in love with it,” orders expensive takeout 4 to 5 times a week and books weekend trips without really budgeting for them. Don’t get me wrong, she can afford her lifestyle and isn’t in debt, but she lives pretty much paycheck to paycheck. I’m the opposite, I meal prep, have a strict budget and put 30% of my income into savings. I still enjoy life but I’m always thinking about the future. When we go out, I notice she gets uncomfortable when I suggest less expensive alternatives or when I mention wanting to save money. I’m worried about how we’ll handle shared expenses like rent, utilities or groceries. What if she wants to upgrade to a more expensive place? What about saving for vacations together? I don’t want to become the “cheap boyfriend” but I also don’t want to compromise my financial goals.
TL;DR : My girl and I have many differences on spending money what should I do?
Has anyone successfully navigated this kind of difference? Should we have a serious money talk before moving in together or am I overthinking this?
Comments
>Should we have a serious money talk before moving in together
Absolutely you should. But from what you’ve written, I don’t see it ending well. I wouldn’t move in with her.
I’m so confused, why do you think you shouldn’t talk about spending habits when moving in together? How can you share a life with someone who doesn’t want the same lifestyle as you? Of course you bring it up.
Moving in together without figuring this out is asking for a break up.
Talk about it. See if you can come to a middle ground. If you can’t, don’t move in.
If she’s living paycheck to paycheck, then she can’t really afford that stuff. What would happen if she lost her job, or got sick or injured? Is she putting anything away for savings or retirement?
If she wants to talk about moving in you absolutely need to be able to talk about money and what it would look like in the future when you have shared expenses and shared life goals.
You have to be able to talk openly about money and share your budget.
You should absolutely have a serious money talk before moving in, 100%.
It sounds like her spending makes you uncomfortable, and your attempts to switch to cheaper options makes her uncomfortable. So you both need to talk about it instead of giving each other awkward glances hah. Tell her your financial goals, the way you manage your money, and when it comes to moving in, your budget for rent, utilities, etc. If she wants to upgrade apartments later and it’s not in the budget, then it’s just not in the budget and you stay put (or she needs to cover the extra, but it sounds like that would be a poor decision for both of you).
Think about things like who will manage paying the rent and utilities. Will you have to chase her down for her half of the rent? Are you confident she’ll always have the money on time? Will it irritate you if you’re always the one managing the bills?
When living together, will you feel more pressure to go out to eat or get takeout with her? Will she be upset you’re always eating separately with meal prepping? That can end up being a stressor, even if neither person is “wrong” about their preferences.
If something happens (her car breaks down, other unexpected expense), will she be able to handle it, or will you end up feeling obligated to cover it? Is she willing to make any financial adjustments like putting away a percentage for savings?
I don’t necessarily think this is insurmountable, but I think communication and compromise on both sides will be needed. Not to say you need to let your budget go, but maybe like… if you have a tendency to comment on the price of everything when you go out, for example, try not to do that. Work out alternating nicer outings with cheap/free ones and plan them together.
“Don’t get me wrong, she can afford her lifestyle and isn’t in debt, but she lives pretty much paycheck to paycheck.”
From a planning a future with someone point of view this is a contradictory statement.
Plenty of couples have different wants or needs when it comes to spending money. Though it’s hard, most of them just have a conversation about it because saving money when able is important – most people who like to spend a lot of money are still aware of this and are willing to cut back even though it’s difficult. If you’re a healthy couple, this should just take an hour or so and then a couple of weeks of practice on her end so that she can easily manage her spending. Furthermore, conserving on spending doesn’t mean she has to lose out on the expensive things ALL of the time.
Just talk about it.
You NEED to talk about this. These kinds of differences grow over time, and odds are incredibly good that at some point this WILL blow up the relationship if you don’t address it directly.
I wanted to give you some advice as a female and I admit me (F26) and my partner (M29) who are in a similar situation. I admit I have a spending habit and so does he but he makes the bulk of the money in our relationship and it’s easier for him to save in comparison to me. While I work making Pennie’s in comparison and I also raise 3 young kids and majority of the bills are in my name. I own a home so it allows him to save his coins instead of worrying about paying for rent. It’s 1 expensive that he doesn’t have to worry about.
Moving in together is only 1 step. You’ll learn more about one another. And it’ll give you more of an ability to communicate your frustrations with one another a lot better. Me and my partner been living together since we started dating 3 months in. I moved in with him so we could do simple renovate of my home and then when his lease was up. He moved in with me been together hitting almost 4yrs and we raise our kids together.
I’d say money and finances is the one thing we do not fight about. Maybe saving money this year just because he wants to pay debt off for both of us. But it’s not the things that is argued about.
All I can say is you got this and you can tell her how you feel and maybe she will feel hurt but your voicing your opinions and that’s what matters
Thanks for listening,
As someone who is nearing a couple decades with what once was an impulse spender: do not do it unless you’re sure she’ll agree with you on a budget and stick with it. You sit down and work on it together, compromise where you can, come up with a way that keeps you both actively involved in your household finances.
However you split bills or whatever will vastly depend on you guys’ finances but what I recommend is that old advice about having so much in emergency savings first? Do that for both of you and understand that life’s got a way of not allowing you to go 50/50 all the time on all things- prepare for ebb and flow, and you will be so much better off.
I mean, my partner and I are evidence that even if you don’t, you can eventually work it out- but if I had it to do over again, that’s what I would have done and it would have ABSOLUTELY saved tears. (And more than a few near breakups) You can’t avoid all disagreements or arguments but in this? You can definitely start out on much better footing.
Whatever you do: do not shoulder the budgeting and such by yourself. I’m a math nerd, at the time, it made sense that I’d handle the bills, right? Wrong! Do not do this, it will not make things easier- in fact, it makes it harder.
You need to talk to her and see how she suggests compromising. I’m more like
You and my husband more
Like your gf. We both made compromises and changed a bit to meet more in the middle over the years.
I would just talk to her and say you both live differently and ask if she’s willing to meet in the middle and maybe you can too? Are you willing to compromise on your strict budget?
Rent and utilities aren’t over spending, so that should be split 50/50. Maybe agree to eat out two nights a week, you pick one and she picks the other? And then you can both meal prep the other days. And then if she wants extras with friends or by herself she’s free to spend her money how she wants.
But you have to communicate
Someone who lives paycheck to paycheck cannot afford their lifestyle.
You need to raise all these very reasonable points with her.
If she has no savings but spends on luxury, she’s financially reckless and can’t afford her lifestyle.
Tell her that you will move in with her when she shows you savings in the amount of at least four months of her monthly income.