My (28M) girlfriend (28F) has some trust issues from past relationships that are interfering with ours. We’ve been dating for about 3 months (been “official” for two) and I thought it was going pretty well. We live about an hour from each other so I try to go to her place on the weekends to spend time with her, and we usually meet halfway during the week for a meal as well.
I have an odd living situation with an ex-girlfriend. We broke up (fairly amicably) while leasing an apartment together, so we agreed that she would keep paying her portion of the rent and she could use the apartment some days during the week to work from home and let my dog out until the lease was completed. She doesn’t live there, and she’ll text me to make sure I’m not there when she’s planning on going over for a bit. I haven’t seen her since the day we broke up, and I’m moving out of the apartment this coming weekend as well.
I was upfront about my living situation with my current GF when we first started dating.
She said it was odd (which is fair, it is), but didn’t mind it because I wasn’t seeing her. I offered multiple times to ask my ex to stop coming by if it made my current GF feel more comfortable and she said no each time.
Fast forward a couple months of happy/healthy relationship time, and out of nowhere, a few weeks ago my GF became distant and the sexual intimacy stopped. When I asked her about the emotional and physical distance she said she doesn’t like that my ex is going to my apartment when I’m not there, and that every time in her past when an ex is involved her SO is cheating on her with them. I explained that there is nothing between my ex and I now, we’re both dating other people, and that we haven’t even seen each other since we broke up. She said she doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with me until I move out and go into my new place. I told her I’m okay without sex (it’s her body and I’d only enjoy it if she’s enjoying it) but that the root of the issue is that she doesn’t trust me and we need to address that. She denied it and said she trusts me fully which is obviously not true. She’s brought up issues with trust before so I share my location with her and tell her she can go through my phone whenever she wants. She said she doesn’t want to go through my phone because then she’ll convince herself that I’m just hiding my “cheating” really well. One time I worked late into the night and she video called me and woke me up early in the morning to see if I was “with a different chick.” I’ve asked her if I’ve ever given her any reason not to trust me and she told me no.
I believe that trusting your partner is one of the most important aspects of a relationship, and all of these issues so early on makes me think we may not be a right match in the long run. I’m considering breaking up with her over this, is that a reasonable response or would it be better to try to see it through?
TL;DR: My GF doesn’t trust that I’m not cheating on her because of trauma in her past relationships and it’s causing issues in our ours. Don’t know what to do.
Comments
If she is worried about the relationship with you because of the traumas that were in the past relationships – she needs to decide and work through this with a psychologist. Maybe it is worth talking about this, she will work through this moment and everything will be fine.
You can break up for any reason. This would be a good one if she’s doing nothing to address her insecurities.
If you’ve done nothing to break her trust and she still assumes the worst, that’s not on you. Trust issues aren’t a free pass to control or accuse. You are not her ex.
Ummm you’re still living with your ex.. I stopped reading there. No wonder she has trust issues with you. Be patient and wait till your living situation changes and then start a new relationship.