Hi Reddit,
I’m (29F) about to move in and finally close the distance with my boyfriend (27M) of 4 years. Up until now, we’ve been living in different countries – he stayed with his family, while I’ve been renting and fully paying for my own apartment. He would come visit me for a month or two at a time, so we did spend a decent amount of time together each year.
EDIT: Just to clarify, now that I re-read my post, I see I wasn’t as clear as I wanted. What I meant is that he comes to my place every month and stays for about a month before going back home. This has been going on for about 4 years now. Sorry for the confusion, I’m not a native speaker.
Now that we’re preparing to move in together full-time, I brought up household chores. I suggested we should split them evenly, especially since I work hybrid (3 days in the office), while he works fully remotely for the family business and therefore has more time at home.
His response really threw me off. He said he’s the one who already does most of the chores (which is simply untrue) and that splitting them 50/50 “wouldn’t benefit me,” because apparently I’d be taking on more than I do now. That raised major red flags for me.
For context: I’ve lived on my own since I was 18 (12 years now), so I know very well what running a household entails. In our 4 years together, here’s what he’s done:
Laundry: twice
Vacuuming: maybe 10 times
Mopping/shower/toilet/mirrors: never
Dishes: usually when asked, with a delay
Soap/toilet paper/refills/trash: never touches them unless I do
Basically, if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. He seems to think things magically refill, clean, or throw themselves away.
When I raised this, the conversation spiraled and he doubled down – again confidently claiming I do “way less.” It’s really bothering me because we’re moving into a bigger flat. After we split bills equally, I worry that I’ll be working my job, commuting several days a week, and then coming home to a “second shift” of housework while he stays remote and does little.
I’ve worked fully remote before, so I know firsthand it leaves more flexibility for chores. I was actually hoping he’d be willing to do more than 50%, not less, and at the very least not become hostile at the idea of an equal split.
What frustrates me most is that if he simply admitted “I don’t know how, please show me, I’m not used to doing that,” I’d gladly teach him, but instead he deflects and denies, which makes me feel like I can’t reach him.
How do I navigate this before we move in together?
TL;DR: Moving in with my long-distance boyfriend of 4 years, but he denies doing little housework even though I’ve always done nearly everything. He resists the idea of a 50/50 split (despite working fully remote while I commute), and instead of admitting he doesn’t know how, he deflects. I’m worried I’ll end up paying half the bills and doing most chores in our new place.
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You cannot navigate this before he moves in.
He has never lived on his own. He’s never had to take care of himself. Ever.
He should live in his own place, in your city, for the next year. Then you can see what he’s really like. Visiting a month or two every year is not real life.
He’s already built a fantasy of shared chore responsibility. And when faced with the reality of a roster, he freaked out and doubled down. Do you really want to be a parent your boyfriend?
EDIT: he “confidently claimed” to have done something he hasn’t. He’s already gaslighting you. He’s telling you exactly what and who he is. You’ve been independent as early as anyone can be. You are very responsible.
You haven’t signed a lease or given up your current place yet, have you?
Don’t make this move until this issue is resolved or it will never get resolved and you will either live full of resentment until you no longer love him or you will fight about this over and over until your relationship ends.
You’re worried about you doing majority of the chores because that is 99% true it will be the reality. The fact that he is deflecting and denying shows you that he’s willing to do whatever he can do to get out of doing his share of the chores. You can’t make him do something he doesn’t want to do and you can’t change him, especially since he doesn’t see a problem with him not doing his fair share of chores.
Write down all the chores, split them up by daily, weekly and monthly. Then sit down with him and tell him you just want to be organized and know who is responsible for what.
Be detailed in the list. Laundry could include folding, hanging and put away. So maybe he does the laundry and folding and you each hang & put away each of your things.
In terms of refills, make that a weekly or monthly chore so that he knows how often to check for toilet paper or laundry detergent. If he says he doesn’t need to check but will be responsible for those, that’s ok. But when those things run out, it should be “Hey, did you notice the dish soap is out? Can you please get that today or tomorrow?”
With the cleaning of the bathroom, detail it all out- Inside & outside of toilet, tub including walls, sink, mirror and moping the floor. Washing of the rug if you use a bath rug.
Remember- you are not his mommy. You want an equal partner, so you need to push back and expect things from him like he’s an equal. It’s ok to teach him, but also know that your way might be different than his. As long as the task gets done, that’s what matters.
You should’ve leaned into the “worse for me” angle. “I know it won’t be as good for me but I’m happy to do more, here, let’s write down all the chores and we can divide them out”
Wait if he already did the majority of it, and you proposed 50/50, then that benefits him, not you. Because he would be going from like 80% of the chores (in his mind) to just 50%. So I think the biggest concern here is your boyfriend’s ability to do math. Just tell him that if he is already doing more, then how is 50/50 better for you?
Don’t move in with him yet!! If he doesn’t learn to do the chores he never will 🙁 like others have suggested he should live alone in your city
I strongly recommend young people live alone or with roommates before living with a romantic partner. When you’re alone there’s no escaping doing everything yourself, and roommates will bring your attention to your dishes in the sink without soft-pedaling to spare your feelings.
Set expectations clearly from the beginning, and don’t be afraid to make a list, chart, calendar or schedule.
There are plans you can work through on sharing chores, but they only work at both people are committed to doing 50%. The one psychological move I can envision working here, is if you tell him “yes yes we are going to do it 50/50, and if I have to do more chores that’s fine with me. But I want to see it on paper, I want it to work in a factual and practical way so we can track it, so let’s just do a 50/50 thing with this book called Fair Play..”
Make sure he’s agreeable to working this out, and not just based on his fantasy imaginings, before he moves in. get his agreement beforehand to ensure that this is fair, because otherwise you’ll be kicking him out.
This seems to me to be a deep thread of male entitlement that some of these male jerks never get over, so good luck with this!
Did you sign a lease yet?
You’re already unhappy with him over household tasks that have to be done regularly. Why would you now move in with him? Don’t be a masochist.
Already useless. He wouldn’t get any better. And a grandiose sense of what he does. I wouldn’t be welcoming that.
How are either of you coming up with these numbers if you don’t live together?
Successful relationships are based on being good roommates.
If they’re deluded, make a tracker. If they lie about what they do then you know that you’ve got bigger problems.
If you decide to move forward, you need an agreed upon, written, and visible chore chart. Objectives data on who does what when, no room for debate or inaccurate retelling of past events. You do a chore, you check it off.
Eta:
Oh wait, I just saw the part about him acting like he doesn’t know how. Ok so if you are going to move in with a man child, you are going to have to mother him. List out all the chores he doesn’t know, give him daily homework assignments to research and learn how to do the task on this cool resource called the World Wide Web. He hasn’t has to demo that he has learned this task by video recording himself and sharing it……Do you see how ridiculous and exhausting this is? If you move in with him, your two options will be this or be ready to do 90% of the chores.
Don’t do it. You’ll regret the wasted time and frustration that he will cause you.
You cannot do this to yourself. You know what to do.
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS NOT READY TO LIVE WITH YOU!
In your post you said it yourself; you have lived independently for years and maintained a household, he has not. Coupled with the the fact he thinks he does the most chores?? Especially the ones you have to ask him to do. Big fat red, waving flags.
He needs to live in his own place for at least two years, before even discussing you guys living together. You two aren’t on the same level maturity wise and your “discussion” proves it. He’s not ready and this is tomfoolery, craziness and mayhem waiting to happen.
Do not sign a lease with this immature man. You’ll end up being his housekeeper, mommy and bangmaid; on top of your regular 9-5 job. Then he’ll want to get a dog or get you pregnant so you’re stuck with him forever. Please let him go and live your best life. Good luck.
Sorry OP, he’s not ready for the big time yet. I would hold off on this move until things get hashed out. This is a great time to learn if he’s for real or a poser.
You don’t move in unless you want to be the maid. He’s made it perfectly clear he thinks he does enough and will not do more
Honestly I would advise again this whole relationship in general. IF you move in together make sure it’s a month to month lease cause yikes
When he says worse for you, tell him your concern that it is fair for both of you. Tell him you’re not trying to do less, only half.
But he is gaslighting you. He is trying to get out of it.
This is going to be a constant fight.
Fair Play cards
This makes it transparent. He doesn’t appear to object to doing chores in principle, just has an unrealistic view of what’s required. Sit down and work out what cards would be relevant, and what the division of labour might look like in any given week.
Ask him to make a list of everything he does in a month. Then make your list and compare
I don’t think it’s fair to ask a person to do more chores simply because they’re home all day. The only chore that gets done at home for me is lunch. But I’m working (as I should be) so I don’t have time to do any other chores during my work day.
But I do think asking for 50/50 is good – if both parties do theirs.
Since he’s adamant that he does more than he really does, do this.
You wash your laundry and he washes his. Choose “wash days” so neither of you is scrambling last minute to wash. This will benefit him since he’s so good at laundry. You have your own laundry detergent.
The person who cooks washes dishes as they go and they put away any leftovers The person who doesn’t cook washes the plates, cups, and utensils.
You each do the bathroom (full), kitchen floor, and trash (empty all interior trash and take the trash to the road/dumpster), refills (toilet paper, soap, etc.), vacuum (the person who vacuums doesn’t mop the same week – or that person only does ALL floors that week) every other weekend. Put it on the calendar. The person whose turn it is has to “check off” on the calendar that they completed their chore. The person whose turn it isn’t gets to approve or disapprove. No one person is responsible for all of the above at the same time.
To keep your sanity, have your own caddy. It includes shower stuff (gels, soap, shampoo/ conditioner, etc.), sink stuff (toothpaste, toothbrush, face stuff), and toilet paper in it. That way you always have access to the stuff you need even when (not if) he doesn’t refill stuff.
Let him prove himself right.
To be fair, unless it’s written down it may not seem obvious. I had the same problem with my ex, we both thought we did more lol. No clue who was right since he dumped me over sex but I do believe that having him explain all the chores he does could potentially clear up the misunderstanding
There is no ‘navigating’. There’s him living on his own for a while so he can grow up. Don’t move in with a man-child who has never lived on his own.
I’m worried I’ll end up paying half the bills and doing most chores in our new place. You would be right, and you’d probably end up his mommy and making his appointments and whatever the fuck all else.
instead of admitting he doesn’t know how, he deflects. Come on OP. Read what you wrote. You think that immature attitude is going to stay in the ‘chores’ realm?
If you want to continue to date him and bang him, knock yourself out. But don’t start playing house with this guy.
You don’t navigate this before you move in. This is only going to get worse and more frustrating if you move in. You WILL end up paying half the bills and doing ALL the chores. Or maybe, you’ll get out of doing chores occasionally, but the fight you’ll have to fight to get him to lift a finger will be more exhausting than just doing it on your own.
Better you realize it now than after you’ve signed a lease together. Don’t be dumb, please.
Don’t sign until he lives on his own and learns to do chores.
I made the mistake of moving in with a VERY messy, disorganized, fine with insane clutter partner, and we fight about this at least once a month. Hes being childish, unfortunately I encountered similar angry outbursts when I’d ask my partner to help. Just completely convinced he does a lot more than he does to clean the house.
It’s gotten better but it took us like, 2 years to get to the point where he will clean and I did threaten to leave. I love him very much and we’re working out, but there were times I genuinely thought about dipping out.
Good luck!
You don’t even live together yet and he can’t be bothered to do chores. Not a good sign.
Do not move in with this man. It will not get better. He needs to live by himself for a while.
Do not teach him how to be a grownup. You are not his mommy. Dude can Google how to get stains out of the rug or how to change a furnace filter or whatever.
Seriously. Don’t sign up for a second shift.
So now you have to talk about specifically who will do what chores and what will the schedule be and what do you do if someone’s not doing their chores?
I would suggest that you have daily chores, but also weekly chores that you both do Saturday morning
It sounds like he has no idea what chores you actually are doing. Why don’t each of you write down a list of the chores you are doing, and how often you are doing them. Then each of you email your lists to each other.
I’m willing to bet that all the things you have been doing, he either didn’t realize you were doing, didn’t count them as chores, or “doesn’t care” whether they are done. He will read your list and either realize how little he is doing, or double down with, “Well, you care if the mirrors are clean and the floors are mopped! I don’t. So you are just doing those for yourself.”
If his reaction is the latter, you might want to reconsider moving in together, at least until he has lived on his own for a while. He’s probably used to all kinds of chores magically getting done by his mom, and then by you. He likely has NO clue what his mom and you have been doing.
There are two possibilities.
1.) he has an unrealistic view of the chores required to keep a home, and actually thinks he is doing half
2.) he’s gaslighting you and wants to keep up the half ass effort he’s done while visiting you.
Either way it is not good.
Don’t move in with anyone who has never lived alone and maintained a household