I had the difficult conversation with my mother today, sharing my wishes for when I go in to hospital to have my first baby, who is due any day now.
We have 19 immediate family members – parents, siblings, and our grandparents.
The problem – my very own mom and dad.
I told my mom that our wishes are that nobody be at the hospital until when(and if) we feel ready for visitors. She said that her and my dad want to be there in the waiting room and I said no – I don’t want that pressure on me.
Additionally, this is my dad’s first biological grandchild to which she noted and said “it’s really important for him and would mean a lot to him to be there.” I told her I’m not worried about his feelings or anyone else’s for that matter. Only mine, my partner’s, and my baby’s.
She then said “well we didn’t go out of town this month, what’s keeping us from doing that if you aren’t gonna let us be there?” I politely told her to go for it if that’s what they want to do.
She also said my dad wants to bring us breakfast the morning after baby is born and I said no.
I don’t want anything or anyone there – if I do, we can let people know and then they can come if everything goes okay + I want a 12 hour stretch at minimum with just me, my partner, and my baby. I reiterated that anyone who shows up uninvited will be turned away.
I also let her know we would likely be turning our locations off because when my (half)sister had her baby, my dad showed up at the hospital the morning of and used the excuse of bringing food. Because of this, he was first to hold the baby – not even my sister’s own biological father. It was her step dad(my dad) of all people, who she didn’t even want there in the first place.
—- mind you, our mom went on a trip as my sister was giving birth even though she had a heads up and continued driving away – she was only 4 hours away and could’ve turned around but didn’t. My sister wanted her there and she refused to turn around.
Anyways, I don’t want to risk us being at the hospital, them seeing our location, word spreading, and people showing up.
The final straw – my dad kissed my nephew on the head when he was born after being asked not to, knowing he wasn’t supposed to. I have told him I will not allow it, he continues saying he will when I’m not looking. I thought he had gotten my point, until Easter, when he was boasting to my cousins about how he plans to do that with my baby all over again, boasting about how he will be kissing him on the head. My mama bear, ultra pregnant, self is having a really really hard time with this and it fills me with rage knowing my baby will be put in danger upon my dad’s first meeting him.
I’m assuming after the phone call with my mom, she then told my dad all of this – because he left the family group message and turned his shared location off(which they both do semi-regularly when throwing fits).
In turn, my husband and I stopped sharing our locations also – which we had already planned to do, but I guess it made it easier that my dad did it first. I was considering leaving it on if I felt they would be reasonable, but they acted as expected.
I believe that my dad is narcissistic and an ultra high functioning autistic, but I hate to diagnose him myself. I’ve begged him to get help, but they both refuse it. Anyways, it has put a major wedge in-between my mom and I. Although, she has always protected him and looked out for him rather than her now adult children and grandchildren.
It’s just all so disappointing.
Regardless, my partner is incredible and I’m so excited to have my precious baby. I love my life and the 2, soon to be 3 of us live in such a peaceful home environment.
Wish me luck, everyone xx
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dont let your father meet your child until you no longer care if they are kissed. you know its going to happen otherwise.
You are 29 years old. There is zero reason for you to be still sharing your location with your parents.
Go to the hospital, have your baby, tell no one.
Good luck! Just keep your location off and don’t call anyone and tell the hospital to not let anyone back to your room. You’re going to have to do stretches of no contact with your parents to break them into the new order
Don’t notify anyone when you go into labor. Instruct the hospital not to give out any information about you, and if someone shows up don’t allow them in. Good luck.
Your parents… holy shit wow
I hope you have a magical and peaceful birth. I think it sounds like you’re handling your parents well. Your boundaries are extremely reasonable and you deserve for them to be respected because not only are you meeting your baby for the first time but you are also going through a medical procedure.
Turning off your location when you go into labor will just tell them that you’re at the hospital. Unless you turn off your location now and leave it off permanently then turning it off later is just a big, neon sign telling them where you are. Just tell the hospital staff that you don’t want visitors.
You can’t really stop them from being in the hospital waiting room. But turn off the location sharing. Don’t tell them when you go into labor and they won’t be at the hospital. Problem solved.
It’s definitely time to turn off location sharing with your parents. They don’t need to know where you are all the time.
For the birth, tell your nurses that you don’t want visitors for at least the first 12 hours, and that your parents might show up anyway, and to please send them away.
You’re about to be a mom, and for your sanity and the health of your baby, it’s time to enforce the boundaries. “If you do X, there will be Y consequence”, and follow through on it. Be a Mama Bear. ❤️💪
You’re a grown ass adult. There’s zero need to tell them you’re giving birth/gave birth. Do it on the QT, relax and tell them when you get home sometime. Best of luck
You don’t have to tell anyone you’re going to the hospital, so no worries there.
Your immediate family is you, your spouse, and your child(ren), not your parents and siblings. Get used to that.
As for boundaries, setting them is one thing, enforcing them is another. You have to do both, even if it hurts someone.
It makes you mad that your baby will be put in danger? You will be the one putting your baby in danger, no one else.
Say no. Put your foot down, stop giving in. What is more important? Your baby’s health or your family’s feelings. You have to choose one.
My mother thought she was gonna do whatever she wanted too. She put a nursery in her house without asking us if we would even let our child sleep over. She bought a used car seat that was expired, without saying a word to us. Most of all she thought we would let her smoke around our child.
Guess who we don’t talk to anymore because they couldn’t respect boundaries.
My kids come first. I don’t give a shit about my senior citizen mother’s feelings when it comes to my children
At this point, I think it’s time to go no contact with your parents. At least until a week after the baby is born. And then super low contact for a month or two
If your partner’s parents/family are more reasonable, then can visit sooner
There was a lady on here a week or so ago who didn’t want her baby to be cared for with her niece, who got herpes from her grandmother or babysitter, and it did a serious number on her health when she contracted it
Now I’m not saying this is going to happen, but your father has made it clear he has ZERI respect for you and your partner’s wishes
So keep them at a distance
I mean obviously do the necessary now:
location stays off
notify the hospital of your wishes and instructions NOT to contact or give any info to family other than your husband
get a ring camera so you can tell them to go away through there
get locks changed if they have keys
Talk to your doctor about when it is safe to kiss the baby
Now longer term… that is tougher…. Maybe start going to a counselor yourself to really figure out your goals here and a plan to tackle them.
Edited for typo
You need to start practicing setting boundaries and enforcing them. That means informing your parents that they will not be informed when birth happens because they’ve made it clear that they won’t respect when you say visiting is unwelcome. That means informing them that they will not be allowed any unsupervised time with the baby or to hold the baby because they’ve made have made it clear that their desire to touch your child in a particular way is more important than your child’s health.
One of the best things you can do for your child is get good at setting boundaries. It will help you protect your child when your child can’t protect themselves and it will also teach your child how to do the same. This is an incredibly powerful thing to raise a person knowing how to do. Practice that skill for yourself and for your child.
You are 29. Stop sharing your location with your parents. That is completely unnecessary and has nothing to do with safety, it’s about control.
Put a password at the hospital for your file so your parents and anyone else can’t get any info about you. Take their names off the approved list if they’re on it. Tell the staff to block all visitors. They can and will do it.
Most importantly: DON’T TELL ANYONE THAT YOU’RE IN LABOUR. You can’t have visitors if no one knows. And don’t post anything until you’re ready to.
It’s time for you to take control of your own life instead of letting others control it for you.
I did not see my first grandchild in person until he was three months old because my husband (the baby’s grandpa) refused to get inoculations. My attitude was that whatever our daughter and her doctor said was the law. Mama and baby’s health and well-being first and foremost! Intentionally kissing a newborn is vile!
NTA. I’m a grandfather. My wife is a grandmother. Absolutely no good reason for grandparents to be present.
Turn off your location yesterday! That’s wildly controlling on their part to use it in the manner they are using it. Turn it off and do not tell them when the baby is born. Just tell them when you are ready to see them. Also alert the hospital staff of your situation when you are in labor. They will not allow anyone in the room or give any info to anyone if you ask.
While your father is clearly going to be a problem, I think you will fare better if you simply decide that you will have no visitors at the hospital. The conditionality of it all makes everything more difficult and make you look like you’re bring a bit of a prima donna. A simple decision that the hospital will be just for the two of you is actually gentler than all of the ifs, and, or buts.
I do hope that people who read this will think about how they interact with their adult children. We were able to see my grandson several hours after his birth. We did not push to be there in any way and we treat our son and daughter in law like autonomous adults who are entitled to our respect. It makes a big difference.
Don’t tell anyone when you go into labor, don’t share your location- keep it turned off. Make sure the hospital doesn’t tell anyone who calls or stops by that you’re there. Tell them ONLY when you want visitors. If that’s the same day, ok. If it’s two weeks/months later, that’s fine too. Get a ring camera so they can’t just drop by. Make sure your doors are locked at all times so they can’t just waltz in. Set and HOLD your boundaries. If dad wants to hold the baby, he has to do it while you’re watching and then you take the baby back if you leave the room. They can’t bulldoze over your boundaries if you don’t allow them too.
The staff won’t let anyone in that you don’t want there. Dad isn’t meeting the baby until it’s ok for the baby to be kissed since he’s already said he won’t respect that.
The solution is easy. Turn off location sharing, don’t notify anyone of the birth until you are ready for visitors.
Don’t let anyone know you’re in labor and/ or that you had the baby until you are ready for visitors. Also, make sure your father is aware that if he does not respect boundaries, he will be denied seeing your baby until he does respect those boundaries.
Your Dad is an absolutel piece of work. I’m sorry you were raised in a dynamic that made you think this was normal to let escalate to this point. With your own family growing it’s really time to reassess your life and choices about who you have around you and what kind of behaviours you’ll enable or deny having around
Leave your phones at home. Tell your L&D nurse that you don’t want any visitors as well as you Doctor. Labor and Delivery nurses do not play. They don’t give a shit about hurting people’s feelings. You are their patient and you are the only one they care about. FAFO.
Don’t call anyone when you go into labor. Register private if you can. Make it clear you don’t want anyone to know you’re there. Stop answering calls right away and texts. That way they can’t figure out when go into labor and try to show up.
I just spent a week with a parent who will not hear the word no. Just asking and asking and asking and asking and asking … boundaries are so important. If my dad said something like that he would not be holding my baby until I get a heartfelt apology AND the baby is out of the highest risk period for infections.
Girl just go to the hospital on silent. You do not need to share everything with everyone. Just keep quiet until you’re home if you can