Hi. I don’t want to give too many specific details in this post. My fiancé(34M) and I (29F) have been together for almost 8 years, engaged for 4 years. We got engaged in 2021, due to our family situation at the time (loss of my dad) I decided to move back home with my mom to support her and my younger brother. He moved in too with me that time to help us out, going through grief, help us pay for some things, helped declutter, basically to cope. He made our lives a bit easier and to cope with everything better.
At this time, I was unemployed. So him and my mom paid for most things. Then, in 2022 he decided to stop paying for things. He would buy food/snacks but it would be for him only. He was never pushed to pay for rent/water/electricity. All he had to worry about was his car payments, insurance and petrol to go to work and back. He would maybe buy food or make a meal over the weekend now and again.
He complained that he isn’t saving money because the petrol it takes for him to get to work and back is so much since we now live further from his work place (about 30 min drive) compared to the place he lived before which was around the corner, basically walking distance from his work.
2023-2024 I had a decent paying job. I managed to support my family and still enjoy my life. I paid (and am still paying) for most things, even though I am not working at the moment. The money I made really helped us alot.
To add, he was helping out his own family as well during 2022 until about a month ago. He probably helped them out prior to that too. So I understood why he couldn’t contribute as much since he had his own family to support as well.
But now, he stopped helping them. I tried asking him the other day if he could maybe help a little with the electricity bill too. He first asked “how much?” I gave a small percentage, because any little bit helps. He said he can send some money to me.
Today he’s asking about my mom and brother’s spending habits wanting to know how much they spent etc.
My fiancé earns more than everyone in our household. But is paying almost nothing to live here.
Also if I mention anything of him helping with something, he gets defensive and always asks what is my brother doing to contribute to the house (which is also valid) but he also recently started working himself.
The other thing is, when I tell him how much I’ve spent or how much I am spending, he will remind me how much he has spent throughout our relationship. And how much time and effort he has put in. It doesn’t feel like he acknowledges everything I have put in either.
He has been wanting to move out for years (with me) but I decided to stay because I was worried about my mom and wanted to make sure she and my younger brother are okay.
TL;DR:He does not want to help with the finances. What should I do? AM I asking too much from him?
Comments
Start charging him rent, utilities and groceries. Separate your finances entirely and stop subsidizing him. He isnt being a good partner and he has no right to question whether your mother allows her kids to live rent free – he is not her son, hes been living rent free and he cant contribute while nitpicking the rest of the household?
Nah. Gravy train is over. You aren’t overreacting you are underreacting to his taking advantage of you and your whole family while simultaneously making you feel guilty about it.
Honestly I would ask myself if i wanted to live like this forever since I doubt things will change after you marry. I understand him not wanting to feel taken advantage of but he’s staying rent free in your place atm and has the nerve to question anyone else in the houses finances? It also doesn’t sound like he has communicated to you in all of this either. He is holding past help over your head now and will continue to do so. All while barely contributing anything now, even tho he earns the most? I wpuld be thinking long and hard about the wedding and if I still want it to happen, if I were in your shoes.
Devil’s advocate, but how long do you think your brother and your mom ‘need’ you there for if its already been 4 years now? Its kind of not a realistic long term goal because he probably thought it would be temporary. I get that your mom is important, but you can still look out for her while not living with her. I’m not saying your fiance is any better by staying there and not paying anything, but if also wants to move out with you, then you need to take that seriously since that means he wants his own space with you, not you and your family.
Does he live with your family or is he a guest? How often does he stay? If it’s two nights a week, I wouldn’t charge him anything, particularly as he’s paid a lot in the past. If it’s five nights a week I’d be charging rent
I mean, he probably feels like there will never be an end to this? It’s been 4-5 years and you still live with your mom? What’s the plan. Will you take care of your family forever without building a future with him?
This sounds like a permanent situation? I mean it doesn’t sound as if you plan on leaving your mother’s any time soon. None of you work and the man has probably had enough of you all at this point.