My husband and I have been together for 13 years (married for 3) we have 2 kids (2 and 6) together. We’ve always had an up and down relationship in some ways but overall our relationship has been positive. We are currently on month 9 of couples counselling and our therapist has determined we have perpetual problems, and I would agree with this assessment. Some of our problems include differences in values around parenting (that cause tension/resentment towards me by my oldest), types of jokes that are appropriate (racist, homophobic remarks despite being diverse in those ways myself), and how we spend time together/dates. The number one issue is that my husband never plans dates for us or does anything to make me special consistently not constantly. The cycle we’ve been on for the last 13 years has been I’ll have a breakdown, cry a lot, then he’ll meet my needs for a few weeks before it fizzles out. This happens every 6-12 months. I ALWAYS put the most effort in to meet his love languages.
Is there a way to make a relationship work with perpetual problems? It really hurts me when we go through these cycles over and over again but I feel like divorce is selfish because we have kids and my husband is a good man, our relationship isn’t abusive or anything. Any advice on this?
Tldr: my husband and I have perpetual problems and I’m wondering how we can make it work.
Comments
I mean, someone who makes racist jokes to someone who isn’t white doesn’t fit my definition of a good man, but that aside…
He will only change permanently if he wants to. He is fully aware of what you want, and he’s fully capable of providing it. He’s proven that with the cycles of doing right. The issue is that he repeatedly chooses to stop putting in effort. He chooses to stop compromising. He chooses to stop hearing you until you make such a big fuss that it’s “worth” putting in a little effort to shut you up.
From a therapist, “perpetual problems” is code for “he doesn’t want to put effort into this, and is doing the minimum that won’t get his ass divorced”. It means your relationship will ALWAYS be you struggling to be taken seriously.
Someone can be a good man and a bad partner. Someone can be a good father but a bad husband. Being a good person doesn’t mean you’re a good match! Also, divorce is usually healthier for children. Amicable coparenting doesn’t damage them, and teaches them to stand up for themsrlves in relationships.