Throwaway for obvious reasons as I don’t want my husband and friends to see me posting about this.
I’ve been together with my husband (30) for 5 years, married for 3 of those 5. We both work full-time jobs, own our house and cars, no kids (childfree). I thought we were the perfect couple because all of our main life goals were perfectly aligned with one another. I never once thought his eyes would wander.
I have a coworker (21F) who I work with at my company. We aren’t the closest simply because we have opposite interests and personalities (I’m very outgoing and she’s a bit of a recluse) but we keep it civil in the workplace. We do follow each other on Instagram to stay connected for communication outside of work.
My coworker is occasionally rude, always cold and closed off and can be frustrating to work with as a result of that considering we work with a small team of close knit people and she’s the only one who refuses teamwork. I’ll admit, I have vented about this coworker to my husband a bit and he’s always had my back with my frustrations with her.
The other day I was using my husband’s phone and I saw he left Instagram open on her page. I was curious and I checked her page from his profile and he’s liked all of her posts and has replied to her story multiple times complimenting her. She hasn’t really responded to his messages but he’s texted her a bunch of times over the past few months. Some of his messages include things like, “Amazing playthrough, I love watching your reviews,” or, “That color really compliments your eyes, you should wear it more,” “Your makeup is so unique, I wish more women were as bold as you”. He’s even replied to her story when she talked about her ideal baby names saying “You deserve a perfect man and a perfect baby” and complimenting her name choices. This coworker isn’t pregnant, doesn’t have any kids and is not in a relationship so I don’t know why she’s posting about babies.
I haven’t confronted my husband about this yet, because I genuinely don’t know if this counts as cheating or flirting. He’s always said I was his exact type, so the idea of him suddenly complimenting a girl who’s my exact opposite is making me very insecure and the fact that he’s making baby comments to her considering her was the only man I’ve been with that didn’t try and change my mind about being childfree.
I need some advice with my husband and my coworker, I’m already disliking her more now that this has come out and I’m worried it’ll explode into workplace drama. Any advice with the both of them?
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This is highly inappropriate and needs to stop. He’s interfering with your work. This girl probably feels creeped out by him but is trying to be nice because you’re a coworker. Tell him to stop.
Oh god, he’s trying to cheat on you so hard and he’s not even getting ghosted just straight up ignored. How embarrassing for him.
Let me put it this way, would he be comfortable with you receiving messages like the ones he sent her from another guy?
Really quick before I say anything: it sounds like your co-worker isn’t reciprocating, so don’t forget that the person you are having issues with is your husband, not her (at least, from what context I could gather).
Your question is valid (whether it’s flirting or cheating), but I think what’s more important is that it crosses a line for you and regardless of what it is, it is definitely super weird. So that warrants an in-depth conversation with him just automatically.
As far as your co-worker goes, is she mean to you? Is she a bad person? Does she dislike you? Or is it one-sided? (I’m not trying to dog on you or anything, it’s completely valid if she just annoys you. I work with a lot of younger people, and they can be a lot)
This is so gross, I felt nauseous reading it. I would go to my boyfriend absolutely hysterical if I found him sending those message, regardless of my relationship with the person.
It’s definitely flirting, such a weird thing to do to someone nearly 10 years his junior – no wonder she doesn’t reply!
I don’t even have any advice, this is just awful.
Wow. I would be getting screenshots, giving him one chance to be upfront and if he denies it, show him the screenshots and tell him to go stay at a family or friends place. What an asshole.
He’s trying to cheat. He’s embarrassing.
It’s flirting, OP. Go confront your husband.
Yes, he’s crushing on her, and – worse – trying to make something happen.
I totally agree with the other commenter who said to remember that HE is the one making moves, not your co-worker, so try to focus your frustrations on him and not her. She is probably very creeped out by his sudden, intense interest.
I’m sorry, but perhaps be prepared to learn more about him that you don’t like, and maybe to discover that your marriage isn’t what you thought it was.
My god no wonder she avoids you. What a creep!! Your husband is awful.
What do you do?? Do not involve her. She did nothing. Your husband is an embarrassment. I couldn’t handle my significant other creeping on my coworkers personally but I don’t know where your lines lie. Regardless of what you decide to do with your disgusting thirsty husband, do not involve your coworker at all. She is doing the best that she can to ignore him and does not deserve interference at all.
So disgusting. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. A friend has had this happen to her and it really broke her heart. I hope you can confront your husband about this and find a way to move on. But there’s no guarantee he won’t do it again in future:(
Cheating isn’t one thing. It’s what you define as crossing boundaries.
This is absolutely an issue, even if it went no further.
You sound really judgmental and condescending about this coworker for no reason. “She’s introverted and I’m not, ugh” she’s done nothing wrong.
Your husband is a creep, but if he wasn’t I would hope for him and her to have a wonderful life together with lots of children, just based of the vibe you give off regarding this poor girl.
I’d be less harsh if this post didn’t seem fake AF.
Yep it’s flirting … he’s testing to see if she’s game.
Ew.
He says she deserves the perfect baby and husband. Sounds like he’s definitely applying for the role. If nothing has happened it’s only because she’s not into him the way he’s crushing on her. Sounds like he sees her as his perfect girl.Get proof of this and confront him. Do not get rude with her or jealous, she’s antisocial but she could have a boyfriend already since she’s picking baby names
Updateme!
He’s trying to cheat. He’s just so much of a loser that she’s not responding to his advances. Divorce the loser.
I think you should send him the screenshot asking why he is trying to be friends with your unfriendly coworker and complimenting her make up and perfect baby making. Ask if you were to send this to his male colleague would it seem creepy to him as well. Because he is messaging a 21year old and being quite a bit older seems a bit odd. Especially how he only knows her as someone you work with. I would also question why you can’t just talk to your husband about this. In a happy relationship you should be able to talk and address issues. Something is definitely not right though.
Your husband is an absolute weirdo and your response to this needs to be directed towards him, not her. Have you considered that the reason she seems more hesitant towards you is because she’s uncomfortable by the fact that your husband obviously has a crush on her? She is very young and is likely navigating the professional world for the first time, I’m sure she’s confused about how to handle this situation. I saw your response to another comment saying you suspect she likes the attention from him, and I don’t think that’s fair. She’s not flirting back, she’s probably trying to be civil and not make things weirder than it is. Your grown adult husband is the problem, not the younger coworker. I understand this is upsetting and I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it wouldn’t be cool to take this out on her imo. Also – How does he know her? Like have they met at work events or he just found her on insta and slid into her DMs?
I would be livid and extremely embarrassed.
It is inappropriate and he is flirting with her. How would he feel if you sent messages like that to one of his coworkers.
The only person you should be angry with is your husband. I wouldn’t say anything to her or put your job in jeopardy. It doesn’t sound like she encouraged anything.
Updateme
It counts as flirting.
This has nothing to do with your co-worker’s personality or whether you like each other or whether she responds to your husband. Your husband is totally out of line. He sounds rather pathetic, TBH. I’d kick him out. Seriously. There is absolutely no excuse.
You’re focusing on the wrong thing and it’s honestly super strange. The fact that you and her are opposites is completely irrelevant to the fact that your husband, who is THIRTY, is going out of his way to consistently compliment and engage with a girl, who is TWENTY ONE, as a married man. And this girl is your co worker.
And the chances that he would get defensive and gaslight you if you confronted him rather than taking responsibility and apologizing and blocking her are super high. Which is not how a man who loves you would behave. Although a man who loves you wouldn’t have started doing this in the first place.
This is NOT “just friendly” and it IS highly inappropriate. Your husband is a creep.
Update me!
He is cheating. Not physically yet but he obviously wants to. Take photos of what you found and get your ducks in a row.
No married man should be giving those compliments to someone they don’t know. Your coworker must wonder what the hell you have married and pity you.
>We do follow each other on Instagram to stay connected for communication outside of work.
Not to be Old on main but can you not just text/call each other if you need to be reached outside of work hours?
> I’m already disliking her more now that this has come out
That’s some misplaced anger, babe.
>I’m worried it’ll explode into workplace drama
You mean like she could go to HR and say her coworker’s husband is hitting on her?
With her, don’t do anything- especially if she barely responds. Does she know it’s even your husband? If she didn’t initiate, this isn’t on her. Just be the coworker you should be, nothing more or less.
With him, it’s totally inappropriate and absolutely attempting to flirt or seek her out. Inexcusable for a partner, as long as you’ve spoken about being in a closed relationship. It doesn’t seem like you have an open one, but I don’t want to assume. I would flat out ask him. He knows you work with her, so why not just say, “Have you been messaging and commenting to XX?” and go from here. If he denies it, you know he is lying; if he comes clean, then you need to make sure he knows where you stand.
Updateme