Throwaway for obvious reasons as I don’t want my husband and friends to see me posting about this. This is not my first time posting about this but I need more advice.
I’ve been together with my husband (30) for 5 years, married for 3 of those 5. We both work full-time jobs, own our house and cars, no kids (childfree). I thought we were the perfect couple because all of our main life goals were perfectly aligned with one another. I never once thought his eyes would wander. When we first got together my husband would always gush over how I’m exactly his type. He said I was like someone pulled his idea of a perfect woman right from his brain and created her. I always felt like we were made for each other and I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. I had no suspicions of my husband being unfaithful. Our sex life was still very active, we rarely fought and we had even gone on a date this weekend.
I have a coworker (21F) who I work with at my company. We aren’t the closest simply because we have opposite interests and personalities (I’m very outgoing and she’s a bit of a recluse) but we keep it civil in the workplace. We do follow each other on Instagram to stay connected for communication outside of work.
My coworker is occasionally rude, always cold and closed off and can be frustrating to work with as a result of that considering we work with a small team of close knit people and she’s the only one who refuses teamwork. I’ll admit, I have vented about this coworker to my husband a bit and he’s always had my back with my frustrations with her. He would even say that he couldn’t imagine having to spend time with someone like her and that I was practically a saint for putting up with her.
A little less than a week ago I found out he was having an emotional affair… WITH HER. I saw he left he’s liked all of her posts and has replied to her story multiple times complimenting her on Instagram. Everything from complimenting her clothes and makeup, to basically raving about the video game and book reviews she posts, to even complimenting and praising when she’s posted about baby names she wants to use. He’s made a lot of comments regarding her wanting and having a baby, saying she’ll make a perfect mom, that she deserves a perfect baby and husband, to even saying she any baby she produces will be perfect and adorable.
Some of his messages include things like, “Amazing playthrough, I love watching your reviews,” or, “That color really compliments your eyes, you should wear it more,” “Your makeup is so unique, I wish more women were as bold as you”. He’s even replied to her story when she talked about her ideal baby names saying “You deserve a perfect man and a perfect baby” and complimenting her name choices. This coworker isn’t pregnant, doesn’t have any kids and is not in a relationship so I don’t know why she’s posting about babies.
Me and my husband are staying apart from each other after I found this out. Nothing physical happened with this other woman, but I still feel disgusted and betrayed. Also, it’s worth noting that I’m 29 and my husband is 30, turning 31 soon and this coworker is 21. I know the age gap isn’t that bad but it’s still giving me the ick. She’s also someone who could probably pass for a teenager still because she does have a bit of a baby face given her face shape. I really hate writing/saying that because I don’t want to believe my husband is a creep.
I haven’t really talked to anyone about this (aside from a friend who said I was overreacting). I didn’t bring it up at work even though I’m close with all my coworkers (aside from the one my husband was messaging) but she’s been looking very smug and proud of herself lately so I think my husband told her I found out about them.
I need advice with my husband, to know if this relationship can even be repaired, but also with my coworker. HR won’t do anything because this all happened off the clock and it isn’t impacting my coworker’s ability to do her job, so I need advice on how I’m going to be able to continue to work with her after this. Our workplace is small (under 10 employees) and the degree I got is pretty specific to this job field. The job market is terrible in our area right now and I looked for related jobs but nothing that would fit. I feel stuck.
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didnt u already post this
HR can’t do anything about the fact that she’s having an affair with YOUR husband? I don’t want you to lose your job but man that’s a tough spot to be in. You’re not wrong in any way, and I’m so sorry this happened. I would seek out a relationship therapist immediately and go to a meeting with them to find out the root cause of why your husband felt the need to stroke this persons ego, knowing how you don’t really get along with her. Is there any resentment in your relationship at all?
So many people think that cheating is sleeping with someone other than your partner. In my eyes and it seems yours as well, attention to anyone other than you is cheating. You’re not wrong for that belief. My wife and I had a conversation very early on in our relationship about this kind of thing, as we both had trauma from past relationships. Entertaining a man’s advances or flirting? Cheating. Talking to someone about intimate subjects behind your partners back? Cheating.
You have no children with him.
Do you really want to put any more of your energy into a person that respects you so little that he would be secretly talking to your coworker behind your back? Let the little tweenager have him. They deserve to be miserable together for this behavior.
Honestly that sounds so wildly unexpected and out of character from what you’ve described as his personality it makes me think he has not been showing you his real self. Like maybe that he has tried to match your personality and wants and interests without telling you but it is not really his own. Or it’s one of those bizarre things men do when they’re feeling insecure in some way so pursue someone they think is sure to be interested in them as an ego boost. Regardless it’s obviously something that i think would be hard to feel like you know someone after
Do you have a pre nup? You haven’t been married long.
He had an emotional affair. He broke your trust in a big way. What happened when you confronted him? What does he have to say for himself?
Do you honestly think he can come back from this?
Ugh very messy.
Does she say any similar things to him?
Also why is he even following your coworker in the first place, does he know her?
Unless she’s reciprocating I don’t think it’s fair to say she’s involved in an emotional affair. What you described sounds like from her point of view, her coworkers creepy older husband sending her weird messages.
Also this may not be a popular opinion but I think men in their 30’s who are attracted to women barely out of high school are absolutely also attracted to teenagers but know that isn’t okay so they go after the next closest thing which is women under 22.
I’m a bit confused because this seems one-sided, sort of like he was all over her accounts, but did she do anything back?
If he can disrespect you and gaslight you by pretending to hate her, imagine what else he’s capable of hiding.
Expecting HR to deal with a personal matter is wild.
He didn’t sleep with her so there’s that but he probably wanted to. You are stuck if you and the girl work in the same field in a small company. You have to look at her every day. You may have to change careers? But what it boils down to is your husband didn’t physically cheat. Yes he emotionally over stepped & the main problem for you right now is regaining trust with your hubby. Can you forgive him? Of course you could forgive him but does that address your concern of him and the other girl still communicating.? Have a serious talk with your hubby and set some boundaries.
You are not overreacting, your friend is under empathizing. This is emotional betrayal at its core and you deserve better.
She is not just cold and rude, she is playing power games. And your husband handed her the deck.
Hold on…..This is all about what HE has said to her but nothing about what SHE has said to him
How are you so sure he’s not harassing her? She may not want to bring it up to you due to being uncomfortable, embarrassment etc
You may want to try and find out if she’s reciprocated before you look into options of what to do
And there’s no getting around this, Hard truth…..He IS a creep
Is she reciprocating any of this or is your husband just a disgusting creep?
Your coworker posted her version of this? Someone copied it to a comment on your first post. Does your husband know that she’s fucking with him just to ruin your marriage?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SBA44yi0YU
First, what is your husband saying about all this?
Second, don’t talk to your friend again. Talk to those who are willing to support you.
Third, how has she been engaging back with his comments? Granted, your biggest issue needs to be with him, but her engagement with him can tell you of she targeted him, or at least encouraged his attentions, to mess with you.
Fourth, the age gap is a VERY big deal, especially with her being 21.
But mainly, the first question. What did your husband say when you confronted him? How has he behaved? Has he downplayed it, apologized, groveled, accused you of mistreating this girl, offered to get therapy, offered to give you full access to his phone and location? Has he said he will cut contact with her, or blocked her social media? I mean, you clearly suspect he is still engaging with her since she is so smug.
And if you do tell your work friends, just make sure you do it off hours! Haha! But as long as you can trust one or two to be discreet and not put you in a bad position at work, you deserve support in that context.
But the key to whether your relationship is salvageable is knowing where your husband is at, and you really haven’t given us the information we need to advise. And if he’s willing to continue behavior with her that’s also making your work life harder and painful while wreaking havoc on your home life too, you need to drop him completely and separate your life from his with surgical precision.
UpdateMe!
Were they conversing or was it all just your husband messaging and commenting on posts? Sorry, it’s not super clear to me.
What was your husbands reaction to being confronted? Is he still in contact with her or did he block her? does he seem remorseful or no? Why did it start?
Honestly, regardless of his reaction I’d have a really hard time getting over that, and if he didn’t immediately block her and apologize then it’d probably be game over. The disrespect of it, just throwing a grenade into your personal and professional life with someone you’ve had issues with is just a lot. On paper it might sound minor to some people but I feel like his behavior would fundamentally change my entire sense of trust and security with him.
Maybe start seeing if there’s any jobs you’re interested in that would require moving? That’s a really tough spot to be in and I feel like the answers to some of my questions would really affect my next steps and whether I’d consider couple’s counseling but being around her is just going to make moving forward in any scenario much more difficult.
Reading this I see he has commented on her posts. But has there been any interaction from her? Have they talked outside of his comments on her posts?
As this is written it isn’t an affair at all. Maybe an obsession on his part – but I don’t see this as anything other than one sided.
What did he say when you spoke to him about it?
Okay first what did he say when you found out. I’m trying to figure out if he’s been lying about who he is and the mask came off or if something happened and it changed him or if he’s just a POS
The coworker will probably cause issues at work. As hard as it will be just keep your cool keep it professional and try not to be alone with her so she can’t lie about anything you did with no witnesses to prove you didn’t do anything (I hope that made sense)
Your marriage is something you’ll have to think on. Can you forgive this? Does he show any remorse? Is the marriage even worth trying to save after he did this?
Id wipe that smug look off her face the next time i saw her tbh
Hey, did he ever say that he was open to children with the possibility of just following along with what you said? It’s bizarre that he would go out of his way to have such intentional, overstepping exchanges with her that included being a mother.
I wouldn’t trust him with a barge pole.