We’ve been married for five years, and we have two children together, a son and a daughter. But we were very happy and excited to find out we would be having another child. We had been taking the if it happens attitude to having another child, so it was very nice to be having another baby, since I do enjoy looking after children. But we found out that she’s not very healthy at all. She has a genetic disorder, that happens by chance, and they say she will be very unhealthy, they can already see some aspects of this, and will likely die very soon after birth, often within a few weeks. And it’s hard. We found this out quite late. Later than normal. However, because of the laws, we have termination as an option, because of the health of the baby and the issues she will go through after birth. And both my husband and I are struggling with this and it’s making our relationship much worse. We have a person to talk to about this, but I’m not sure it’s helping very much.
As hard as it is, I don’t think I can go through with having her. Knowing she will be born in pain, and probably die so soon, I don’t take death well and I don’t think I could manage giving birth, which again I have struggled with in the past and I don’t think my anatomy is made very well for it, knowing that I’m just going to see her die. But I think my husband is struggling with the fact that she could survive. It’s rare, but some have lived much older than expected, sometimes even to adulthood. He believes that this could happen, and even if not, we owe it to her to be able to be with her when she does pass, and be able to experience her, even if it is for a short time.
But termination at this stage, it’s not going to be the kind where you can just take medication and it’s a lot of tissue and things like that. And I agree with my husband that I will probably not handle this well either. I probably sound like a very weak person but that’s just how I am. And we have to think about our other children too. Our daughter was so excited about having a little sister, and my husband has explained too much to her what is wrong, so she’s always saying things like if the baby can have medicine to make her better, and it makes me annoyed at him because she’s too young and she doesn’t understand and she didn’t need to be told about it, because he didn’t even ask me first.
I’m having a very hard time tolerating him. I’m having to have a therapist, she says it’s natural to feel this way when I’m going through such difficulties but I’m not sure that helps very much. I have never felt this way before and I just can’t stand him. I don’t want to hear him or see him, I just want to be left alone. It makes me feel very bad because this is all difficult for him too, and we need to get along to be able to make decisions about this, but because we disagree so much, it’s hard to do this. Of course we have disagreed before, like all relationships, but this just feels so difficult to deal with and I don’t really know what I can do. He is trying, and it makes me feel terrible because I feel like a bad person when it is none of our faults that this is happening, it just does sometimes.
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It’s the person you have to talk to a therapist? Because if not, it needs to be.
Hopefully the doctors who gave you the diagnosis can recommend a therapist that is familiar with this situation.
That said – you also need to be thinking about what happens if you can’t come to a solution fast enough. You’re the one that’s going to go through this physically, whichever way you choose, so you might have to make the call on which will be better for you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you get the support you and your family need.
This is one of those posts that is very far above reddit’s pay grade. You really need a specialized therapist for this.
IMO, his opinion doesn’t matter here. He’s going to grieve either way but you are the one taking the physical risk for no reward. There is no woman on the planet that would begin a pregnancy knowing it wasn’t going to result in a baby. Pregnancy has risk and it sounds like yours even has more risk to yourself.
The only person you are trying to save right now is yourself. You need to do what is best for your physical and mental health. Definitely speak with a therapist.
Different opinions can happen..but ultimately it should be YOUR decision….you are the one doing this. He needs to defer to you and support you either way.