We have been together for 10 years, married for 7. I’m not trying to discount my husbands feelings because they are incredibly valid but I just don’t know what to do. He says by me not initiating intimacy he feels gross, rejected and unattractive. I don’t think any of those things about him but our lives have changed quite a bit in the last few years and I’m finding it harder and harder to initiate.
We had a very active and healthy sex life before children, and we both miss that. When our oldest was 1, we started the process of building our house. We are now going on year 3 of building and we now have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Our arrangement going into building was that my husband’s main focus would be building the new house and getting it done (usually working all night after work where he also does construction until 9 or later at night and 12 hour days on weekends). My portion would be taking care of the kids and house (cooking, cleaning, managing finances, etc.) my husband works full time and I work 30 hours a week. It is a lot for both of us but we knew it going in and will be done later this year thankfully.
All of that being said, at the end of the day when the kids are asleep and we finally stop working on the house (because I help with that too when I can) we are both exhausted. I have zero libido at this point but often still am intimate with my husband because I know he has a high s** drive and it is his love language.
My libido is probably highest in the late morning when I have the most energy, but this is probably the worst possible time of day because we’re never able to be intimate then.
On top of all this, I do like to touch him, but I don’t feel like it’s possible for me to do so without it leading to more. He says he just wants me to touch him or initiate some type of contact but whenever I do it always leads to s**.
This has been an ongoing argument and we can’t seem to find any common ground or resolution to the problem. Do I need to just suck it up and make more of an effort for him before bed, even if it’s not what I want then? What about him and how can I make him feel wanted and desired without always needing to be intimate?
We keep saying we just need to make it through the building process and things will go back to normal then but I’m afraid they won’t. I feel like we are both feeling neglected and misunderstood.
- a burnt out, tired working mom/wife
Edited to add: We have a pretty healthy and loving relationship otherwise. We have s** 3-4 times a week and most of the time I do want it/enjoy it, it’s just the energy levels aren’t there for me. I feel like there’s something wrong with me and it leads to a lot of shame/guilt.
TL;DR; : How to make my husband feel more desired without s**
Comments
Its the man’s job to initiate sex
Marriage counseling. This is what marriage counseling is for.
Try scheduling it during the day time when you catch a break. You’ll be less exhausted
There probably is no way for both of you to get your “needs” met right now, so you both need to compromise — not just you. Couples counseling would be a great step, but also, can you afford to get more child care — or call in a favor from a family member to get weekend-long break or something?
What about if you tried a new rule for two months: He’s not allowed to escalate physical touch towards sex. But you commit to initiating and escalate sex 1-2x/week.
You’re having sex 3-4 times a week with two kids under 5, both of you are working and building a house, and he still wants more?? He is delusional, I’m sorry. You are having far more sex than the average married couple, and TONS more sex than I would expect from those particulars. He needs to be reasonable.
Well, you’re both exhausted. Young Children. A bit of chaos in your life. He has a high sex drive.
He was clear of what he finds lacking. How he believes your lack of initiating intimacy makes him feel unwanted, undesired.
I think everyone can agree, feeling wanted and desired is something we all want from our partners.
First thing you should tell him is how you would love to have non sexual physical contact. You would love to be held, caressed loved, without him always trying to make it go further. Something a lot of men don’t consider. So, use your words and make it known.
Hopefully he gets it.
Next, you may want to consider his point of view. He wants you to jump him. It’s up to you. You make your own choice.
I recommend the book “Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships”
by Jennifer A. Vencill.