Might get a bit long and perhaps crude because I want to accurately relay my wife’s thoughts and the way she phrases them. Apologies for any odd wording, English is not my native language.
Wife and I have been married for a bit over two years and while our marriage was technically arranged, we have known of each other since childhood. Both of us grew up religious and this is where the problem begins. For me it’s more of a source of comfort, while for her it’s a source of crippling anxiety and debilitating shame.
One of her major points of shame is sex. We’ve tried a few times, but she always bursts into tears, so I couldn’t in good conscience keep tormenting her. She has offered to keep a pillow over her head while I “do my business”, but I find that inconceivable. Just the simple fact that she is married makes her worried that everyone now assumes she has been “defiled” by marital activities.
Another tangential point, we’re Catholic, so contraception is forbidden. Which I disagree with and would have no trouble foregoing the rule if it helped her in any way. But to her, what she believes the rule signifies is a great source of emotional pain. She believes God created her to live a servile life at the mercy of others, with no control over what happens to her or her body, always under the thumb of a man and unable to reach the standard of the ideal Biblical woman (a virgin mother, like Mary). She believes the system was designed to keep women perpetually humiliated on purpose as punishment for the sin of Eve. I personally believe this is why she’s so afraid. She’s afraid God knows she’s mad at Him for making her a woman with a predetermined purpose she’s obligated to surrender herself to and will punish her for hating His design. (Not my belief, just what I think is going through her troubled mind.)
I am genuinely at a loss as to what to do. I’m not even sure therapy would work since she needs clear, concise answers and no one can guarantee she won’t go to Hell over her negative feelings. At least not in a way I would see her accepting as satisfactory.
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OP, this is way beyond reddit’s paygrade. My two cents is that your wife is using religion to externalise deep, emotional and psychological issues that likely stem from childhood trauma. The only responsible advice which I can give you is to support and encourage her to seek therapy.
Take the pillow offer, some people pay extra for that addon.
Has she went to confessional and discussed these feelings? Proverbs 31:10, 26 – “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies… She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.” Wives are precious and husbands are called to love their wives. Maybe talking it out with her the roles of a husband as per the Bible. If she is caught up in woman’s role so much pointing out how precious a husband must treat his wife. Also how spicy sleep between husband and wife is biblical. It’s not wrong it’s actually supposed to signify man and woman becoming one. Have you tried everything but spicy sleep to get her use to the idea of going all the way? She definitely has a block mentally and there are religious based therapist that pray and use the Bible for guidance. Maybe even try talking to to your local church priest. 2 years is a long time especially being so young. You need outside help.
Your wife needs serious therapy and a break from a religion that is making her this ill and unhappy.
Religion has done her untold damage, or at least the way she has been imbued with it.
This is a form of self-torture and it’s entirely destructive. It’s well beyond your capability to deal with this, not least because a positive outcome would be perceived as being positively biased towards your interests, even if that is not your intention.
She needs specialist help that helps her feel more positive about herself but still aligns largely with her belief in God, if not in Catholicism.
She is living with a religion that conspired to allow and support those who sexually abused children. She needs perspective on this. If this doesn’t allow her to adopt her own interpretation of Christianity, I don’t know what does.
That clitoris she has is evolutionarily ONLY intended to give her sexual pleasure. It has absolutely no other purpose but to give her orgasms. Does that mean God is a cruel god? I don’t know. I completely reject the concept of the existence of any god but that’s not a debate I’m going to get into.
The tip of her clitoris has 2.5 times more nerve endings in it than the head of your penis. The body of her clitoris surrounds the opening to her vagina. The elusive G-spot, inside her vagina, is also part of the clitoris. She has more ways of experiencing orgasms than you can shake a stick at. She is much more likely than you to experience multiple orgasms during a single sex session than you. She is more likely to experience a total body orgasm than you, which is extremely rare amongst men. The effect is that you feel the sensation of neural overload in the hands, feet and head. Yet she cannot experience any of that because she is a tortured soul as a result of the way she has been brain-washed as a child. I think that’s just another form of child abuse that leads to an abused adult.
Seek out support groups and therapy sources that support people struggling with Catholic beliefs with regard to sex. They do exist. But more than anything, your wife needs to believe more in her OWN judgement, not that of other people. Formal religion is a form of cruelty and violence.
What if this never lifts? Would you be willing to support her through this asexual relationship?
Are you a safe person to her that accepting the boundaries she currently and for the foreseeable time needs to have in place?
I think this is the only way to honour her and hold space for her on your life journey.
Is it possible she has been exposed to conversion therapy in some shape or form? Like confessionals or «spiritual conversations» or worse?