I 30f am currently living with my boyfriend 28m in another state. No family, no friends, no job for me. Things have been rough since we got here 11 days ago. I haven’t been in the best mood bc I’m feeling homesick. I had to leave my youngest daughter behind, I’m terribly heartbroken and depressed over not being able to see her. I have been distant and haven’t been very loving, affectionate or supportive to my bf. Since getting here, he has gone out 5 or 6 times with his sister. We are currently living in her house until we find our own place. I have an 8yo daughter from a previous marriage.
My bf and his (step)sister 30f have been hanging out a lot! Normally I wouldn’t have a problem but he hasn’t hung out with me at all. He has told me it’s bc my lack of affection and being distant, so it’s my fault I don’t get asked to hang out. Which I admitted to giving 0% effort due to my depressive state. He also claimed he was tired from working all day and wants to “decompress” when he got home. But he went out during the beginning of the work week at least twice with his sister after he was at work all day. Not once have I been invited to join them or do something just him and I. I have been left at home with my daughter everytime they go out.
Tonight, they went out again. He picked her up from work and they went directly to a bar. Again, no invite for me. They got home and I greeted them. My daughter was asleep in 1 of 3 rooms. BF’s sister’s kids are away for the summer so we are currently taking up two rooms. I went out to the garage to garden and was out there a little while. Came back to check on my daughter and noticed our currently occupied bedroom door was cracked. Didn’t think anything of it, thinking he was in there sleeping and went to watch a few episodes in the living room. Decided to go to sleep later that night and he wasn’t in our room…
Confused. I hear him snoring in his sisters room….The door wasn’t shut all the way but it wasn’t cracked. I opened the door and peeked in and they are in the same bed, under the same blanket. Not close to each other but it made me widely uncomfortable.
Is it weird that he would chose to sleep with his STEP sister in the same bed, under the same blankets, meanwhile we have an entire room and bed to ourselves? I did go to bed late and I have been every time he goes out. But did I drive him into his step sisters arms? Why share a bed with your step sibling when you have an entire room available? He was shirtless while asleep in the same bed. He had changed into pajama pants in our room then went into his sisters room to sleep. Like it was planned to sleep together. I’m feeling like they obviously have feelings for each other since they hang out a lot, text all day and now sleep in the same bed even after knowing other sleeping arrangements are in place. Someone tell me this isn’t wrong.
How do I bring this up without an argument? I’m extremely uncomfortable with him sleeping in his sisters room while his “family” are in the same house. It’s not like there is a bedroom scarcity. SOS
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“ He has told me it’s bc my lack of affection and being distant, so it’s my fault I don’t get asked to hang out. “
I would slap both of them 👋
This is weird as hell absolutely don’t sweep that under the rug. I understand your situation is difficult with children, but that sounds like something you potentially don’t even want yours around if you catch my drift.
Ok, I am so confused….
How long have you been dating?
Why did you move to a separate state, without your youngest – where you have no job, and are living in his step sister’s house?
You acknowledge that you are depressed right now – and it sounds to me like you should’t be in a relationship now.
To me, it sounds like you should move back home – as this relationship doesnt sound healthy.
Break up what he did is disgusting behavior. You should not stand for that, if they are doing anything together involving the same bed its just immoral and wrong. You need to dump him.
Go back home sis
How old were they when their parents got married? “Step-siblings since they were toddlers” makes for a different relationship than “step-siblings since they were in college”
Go back home to your daughter. Cut this man out of your life.
I’m pretty sure that you know all you need to know to end this relationship. Your happiness and well being is more important. 99% chance that this isn’t going to get better for you.
what in the hellalabama is happening here? get your children away from these idiots.
I think u should move back home not bc of them but bc you moved and the outcome isn’t helping u at all. Get a therapist.
Also, some people don’t like to hang around depressed plp unfortunately. It’s sucks but that’s how some human beings are. “It kills there mood” which I get being on both sides, regardless it’s still not ok.
It’s not weird if they have space between them. Everyone does “like” each other
Go home.
I don’t know why you abandoned one of your children for this idiot, but go home.
Stay in a shelter if you have to, admit to your family members, you made a mistake, take your child and go home.
Updateme
I stopped reading after “I had to leave my youngest daughter behind”. OP….there is no man on this planet that is more important than your child(ren). You never have moved away from your child. I didn’t read the rest of your story, but the title indicates this is a fucked up relationship. GO BACK HOME!! Start therapy and get your shit together and be a mom before you start looking at any other man.
OP said in a comment they’ve been siblings since ages 3 and 5.
You all need to watch less porn.
Updateme
Honestly, you haven’t been in this relationship long enough that you should be uprooting any child and much less leaving one behind.
Take your kids, go back home and find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. Or better yet, take some time alone with your kids and enjoy life.
Wait, so you abandoned one of your children for this??
It’s time to go home. This is not working out.
How could you join them even if they wanted you to? Just leave your 8yo at home alone?
Idk man. It sounds like you moving in was a mistake that’s not good for any of you. You left your own daughter? You need to own up to this dumb decision and go back.
He’s blaming you for his actions? Classic deflection. Don’t fall for it.
Take your daughter and go home to your youngest daughter. Why did you put moving with your boyfriend over your own daughter? Both daughters should be your number one priority not some guy.
Get your child and go back home to your other child. No wonder you’re depressed! Never pick a man over your children woman. Your children will never forgive you nor should they. You can fix this. Choose your children. Choose yourself. Lose this man.
You picked your boyfriend over your child? Fix this NOW. Go back and build your life without him.
This is so gross! Leave this loser and cause a scene. It’s gross! They grew up together and this is inappropriate
Updateme
You abandoned your kid for some dude??? Why in the ever living hell would you do that. Get your shit together and stop relying on men to fund your life and abandoning kids to chase after them. What a joke….
Step siblings that clearly have a lot more going on than you would like to admit.
He’s blaming you for being depressed so that he can carry on with his sister.
Take your child and go back home to your other child before this gets any worse. Fuck your ex could read this and have you deemed unfit to be around your child.
Your bf and step sister are two sick fucks that shouldn’t be around any children imo
Abandoning a child for a man is evil behavior. You know it so you feel bad.
Go back to your kid. WTF are you doing?
You owe your youngest daughter more than you owe this man, who you have barely been with. I would never choose a man over my child. Go home, you will be happier, being away from her is eating away at you. Updateme
I think the question you asked “how do I bring this up without an argument” says a lot. Basically it shows that you already have an idea that he will argue with you rather than listen and apologize.
Some of the other things you mentioned are red flags as well, considering that they didn’t invite you even once and he has gone out with sister 5-6 times during the week without really spending time with you. To me these are even bigger red flags than them sharing a bed and Id recommend bringing these things up when you talk.
He basically already gaslighted you when he said it was your fault. I would try talking to him about all of this once and if it doesn’t go well and is immediately combative, I would recommend ending the relationship and moving back home. I know it’s hard but the things you mentioned honestly seem like cues/signals that he’s not truly interested and/or has a lot of growing to do.
Even without hearing he slept in the same bed as his step sister, the situation sounds awful. You should have never left your child to move when you said it may be temporary. Stop looking for reasons to leave this man, there are already plenty of them. Get home to your child.
Sleeping in the same bed as your step sibling who you were raised with almost your entire life does not mean they are automatically having an inappropriate relationship.
If anything their closeness and his intimacy with her is showing you how fucked up your relationship with him is. You don’t need this drama or to feel insecure. He is not worth it. Go home already, reach out to family and admit you made a mistake.
You’re confused? I’m fucking confused. You left your daughter? Jesus. Go home. Get into therapy. Get an IUD or something more permanent. Get your crap together for your kids. This is not your life anymore, this is their’s until they are 18.
You’re asking yourself the wrong questions. It should be “how did I get to be such a selfish person that I could abandon my child?” and “when I get back home to my youngest (tomorrow if not sooner) what can I do to repair our relationship and earn her trust back”
Ur both LAME AF
First step: take responsibility for going with him and leaving your daughter behind. Second step: reverse that decision.
Pack your stuff up and GO HOME. Dont even explain why, just go.
Girl, why would you choose this inconsiderate, potentially cheating loser over your own child. He’s not worth it. Leave him and go home to your baby.
And, for the record, no one “drives their man” to cheat. He’s a fully autonomous adult making a choice. Don’t you dare put that on yourself. Sounds like he’s been emotionally abusing you for awhile if this is where your mind’s at. His poor choices are never your responsibility.
Edit to add: please check out the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You can get a free pdf here. I think you’re gonna see this guy a lot in its pages.
How the hell does anybody leave their kid behind to chase dick? That’s insane.
No no no just no. Pack your bags . How incredibly DISRESPECTFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! girl I would’ve done crashed out and slapped everyone because what the fuck? Yall are adults why the hell are they sleeping in the same bed that’s so fucking weird . The sister doesn’t gaf about you ! She thinks it’s okay to sleep w him . He also doesn’t gaf abt your feelings . Your feelings are so valid while his are literally not, to be acting so petty because you’re home sick and miss your daughter?? Get mad GET REALLLL MAD ! WHO do they think they are . Especially HIM. please go back to your loving daughter cs fuckkk that this is so weird , he sleeps w her again bust in that fucking room lmao , weirdos
You probably need to go home to your child and make them the priority, not a man.
That said, it may be just him trying to give you space and not something going on between them.
You have admitted you are depressed and not too engaged, and while he is wrong to blame you for your depression, being around someone who is depressed is not easy.
It’s sounds like your children are not his children, yet he brought you and one child with him to his step sister’s home.
You also said in a comment that they’ve been step siblings since they were 3 and 5, so while what you’re thinking is not impossible, it’s unlikely considering they grew up as siblings.
I’m not saying it’s not what you’re thinking, I just think in your depressed state, it’s possible you are not gauging the situation correctly.
Whatever the case, I think you should still go home to your child. You don’t seem like you’re in the right situation to be focused on some man, particularly one you think would cheat on you IN YOUR FACE.
You need to go back. Even if everything was perfect with your boyfriend, you should still go back. Why on earth would you abandon your child for a boyfriend?
You left your youngest child for some dick. That says more about you than anything that man could do
Let’s start with a basic rule you violated. Your children FIRST before any bf or gf. As you have now learned, bouncing around with some loser who sleeps with his stepsister is a recipe for wrecking your and your kids’ mental and physical well-being. Break up with your bf and go back home. Your kids need you to be a stable force in their lives. Stop acting like some hippie vagabond. You have to be an adult.
Thats a really bad situation. Do not trust him!
Why try to avoid an arguement?
Go home sis.
This is only going to get worse.
Cut your losses and go.
Get your girls back together and move forward. You’ll be so glad you didn’t waste anymore time on a relationship that isn’t going to work, and by your own words, isn’t enough to help with your depression.
Trust me, your depression is going to turn into anger towards the bf and his “sister”, and it’s going to end badly.
If you start quickly and quietly implementing your exit strategy, you’ll be gone before they even know what happened.
Sorry to say I don’t think they’d mind. Three’s a crowd.
You’re not just homesick… your gut is telling you that something is wrong. Take your daughter and go home. Go get your other child. You can do it.
The sister is the least of your problems.
Just get your ducks in a row and get a a plan to go home. Go back to your kid and next time you meet someone- don’t move states, and above all – don’t you EVER leave kids behind!!!!
Imagine being the youngest child and seeing your mother take your sibling to another state and leaving you behind. I hope the child doesn’t end up resenting you, or the sibling subconsciously. You picked a man over your child and they will remember that.
No job, no family or friends…why are you stay for a boyfriend not even a fiancé or a husband. Go back to your daughter, and seek therapy. Sounds like it may be a deeper issue.
I mean, his sleeping with his step sister is weird, but like, WTF ARE YOU DOING ABANDONING YOUR DAUGHTER TO LIVE WITH SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE?!?!??? That is super fucked up what the hell is wrong with you?? Pack up your shit and go tf home holyyyyy hell lady!
I get it, hun, trust is a fragile thing, and when it’s shattered, man, it feels like our hearts are breaking too. It’s okay to feel gutted right now.
The way it sounds to me is that your bf is getting the connection and tranquility from his sister that he’s not getting from you because you’re stressed and depressed and have a child to watch after. I don’t think they’re doing anything inappropriate there way some others here think.
This is not going to get better. It’s been less than two weeks and I can just imagine the stress you’re going through, which in turn prevents you from having a healthy relationship with your bf.
Seems that this move was not properly planned and you should not have left home without your other daughter. If it was me I would run back home and if and when he comes back, then we can rethink whether the relationship should continue.
the brainrot is strong in these comments — people cannot imagine that siblings can be close and give each other friendly emotional support, especially while catching up after not seeing each other for some time — he’s seeking comfort from his sister because your relationship is fucked and has been for a long time, it seems.
I still don’t get how many children are involved… you say you abandoned your daughter, and babysit her at the same time… so I guess you have a new baby with him? that would be an explanation why they don’t count you in when going to a bar … would you bring a toddler? it’s still a dick move, but no surprise…
obviously you don’t communicate, and do not have a healthy relationship to begin with … being depressed doesn’t help, of course, which warrants the question why have a child with him when you already have trouble enough with the first one?
they are not fucking, this isn’t step-sibling porn, he has distanced himself from you as you have admittedly from him —
leave, go home, try to heal emotionally and be there for your child. he is not mature enough do deal with a depressed partner, and you are not well enough to be in this situation — abandoning your child for your boyfriend’s seasonal work hints at way more fundamental problems you have to deal with yourself
I do hope you get help, and focus on yourself and your mental health
Deadbeat mom
Help me step bro I’m stuck in the dryer
Ma’am, you chose the boner rodeo over you child. Go. Back. Home. To. Your. Daughter!