Hi all,
So as the title says lately it seems like my bf of almost 2 years has been making assumptions it seems and it’s weighing on me. There are 2 big assumptions that have happened recently that im not sure how to start a conversation about. First today we went out to dinner to celebrate that he got a new job finally. Almost a year ago when he had gotten a job, I had treated him to dinner but that job only lasted a week (he has hearing sensitivities and was trying to work as a dog trainer). So going out to dinner tonight i really wasn’t planning to pay for both as well ive already done that once for a job that didn’t work you know? He just assumed I was paying for the full thing (I showed him the receipt to try to subtly be like “here is your amount”) and one the way out from the restaurant he thanks me for dinner (it was about $80)… just assumed I was paying but never asked/offered to pay.
The other thing that has been bugging/weighing on me is that last month I booked a flight on my card as we are going to see his niece in another state for her first birthday. I communicated the totals and dates as I was making the plans and sent him a venmo for the amount… well without talking with me about it first he decided he did the math is paying me back $30 a week for 19 weeks. Basically pay me back until the trip happens. It was like $550 I fronted for the tickets so this kinda rubbed me wrong because well thats a lot of money and why didn’t you say something first??? A couple weeks ago I tried joking a bit about the $30 a week thing as a casual way to bring it up and he was like “yeah well I dont make as much as you so this is how I have to do it”… that also rubbed me wrong because I really am looking for a partner and why do I have to front the money for a trip to see his family? I was expecting i would be paid back immediately or like within the same month you know?
These things are getting to me and im not sure how I start the conversation with him about this without either of us possibly getting defensive. Its not the first time he just assumes things without checking (he ate my leftover birthday steak last year thinking both pieces were his when my mom specifically wrapped them differently; his family dog escaped at our air bnb for the 4th, i texted him that she bolted quickly basically as a cry for help to receive an “oh no” and keep in mind my heel/achilles are bad right now so I had to chase the dog down the hill and wrangle her because she thought it was a game. When I got back I asked why he didn’t come help and he just assumed I already had gotten her and it was more of an fyi than asking for help). Sorry for the long ranty post but advice on how to approach this is appreciated. Its my first long term/serious relationship and we only see each other on the weekends.
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it sounds like he’s taking advantage of your kindness and that’s super unfair. i wouldn’t have paid for either of the tickets to go see his niece until he had his paid for just in case he doesn’t make things right. but it’s always easier said than done. i’m sorry you’re dealing with that. you deserve better imho.
Money issues are always a big factor in relationships, especially in marriages. It’s always best to talk things out instead of dropping hints. It’s ok to be upfront, especially when nowadays, one will always make more money than the other. If you let things fester, it only gets worse.
He’s training you to be a doormat and it’s going really well for him.
It sounds like all these assumptions have to do with money and/or laziness and he’s trying to get the best advantage for himself as possible. Don’t front anymore money. Let him know you don’t have it and if he needs plane tickets, he has to pay for them right away. If he asks why you don’t have it, reiterate you don’t have it. If he wants to go, he will need to pay up front. Next dinner you have with him, make sure you state beforehand that you are going Dutch.
As for chasing the dog, your BF is just lazy.
Yes, he’s making assumptions, but you’re also not communicating. If you expect him to pay for his half of a meal, then you need to be up front about that before you go to the restaurant. If you need help with the dog, then you need to ask for it. Both of you need to get better about clear communication, and if it comes to money that he’s supposed to pay you back, you either set up a written contract that spells out exactly how you’re getting paid back before you spend a dime, or you take your chances on never seeing any of it.
Try honesty first. Tell him that you would appreciate it if he could pay you right away or at least offer when you pay for things up front. Watch his reaction for information. If he gets upset, then he’s using you. If he apologizes and makes an effort going forward, then you know he cares. It’s tough to be in these situations
Why are you dropping hints instead of saying up front what your expectations are? It sounds like this:
Hi honey. How do we want to work out paying for your flight? Then, agree on a plan.
The dinner out to celebrate his new job doesn’t sound like a celebration if you think he should pay for it. Normally, a celebration means someone is being honoured, and rarely are they expected to fork out for it.
Your lack of communication sounds childish, but it makes me wonder what else is going on here. Does he not know how to manage money? Are you the one footing the bills all the time?
Either way, clearly communicating your expectations at the outset is a good policy.
As I read this, I wonder why you two are together. Are there positive aspects of being together? If so, are the positive aspects great enough to overlook the problems? Unless you are both willing to discuss the current issues that you mention – and future issues if and when they arise – and if you both are willing to make necessary changes, I would call it quits.
If he can “just assume” you are going to pay- you can (and alrdy should) have this conversation. What would have happened if you had assumed he was paying since he suggested the dinner? What if you desperately needed that money/card for something else? The fact he is treating your bank account as his back up plan is absurd. I’ve been married 30+ yrs & don’t even do that to my husband & we’re on the same account. That said- start being clear before. You should never have booked without a clear plan. As far as dinner- start clarifying everything- he will get the point. But as far as long term bf- he doesn’t sound like a keeper. At all.